Star Wars: Episode 2 - Attack of the Clones

Reviewed By Steve in Prague
Posted 05/20/02 20:49:58

"Strike 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
3 stars (Average)

20 minutes of the most horrendous love dialogue since "Pearl Harbour" kill any chance this movie had at being good.

Some things I do not understand:

1. How come its been ten years since Anakin saw his Mom? I can understand not seeing the Queen, but Christ don't Jedi get shore leave? You mean to say he missed his mom so much that in ten years he couldn't say "listen Obi-Wan I'm going to pop in to see my mom for a day ro 2". And of course, the moment he finally sees her again, she dies ten seconds later.

2. How did a retard like Jar Jar Binks get elected TO THE SENATE?!?!?!?!?!?!?

3. As powerful the Jedi Council is supposed to be, they cannot tell when the Dark Lord of the Sith is STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OIF THEM!?!??!?!?!?!?!

4. R2 D2 can fly?!?!? When the fuck did I miss THAT?!?!?!?!

5. No one editing the film said "Hey Mr.Lucas, in this scene Natalie Portman's nipples are clearly showing up maybe we should re-shoot it?".

6. Annakin Skywalker's nightmares look like masturbation!??!?!

7. The Queen's starship sounds like a WW2 B-17 bomber right down to the propeller sounds?

8. If the Republic is supposed to be the embodiement of democracy then WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO STOP THE FREE EXPRESSION OF IDEAS BY THE SYSTEMS WHO WISH TO LEAVE THE REPUBLIC??!/!?!?!

9. How does C3 PO maintain power to his head when its removed from his body? Solar energy????

10. Why use the Clone Army to attack the Trade Federation droids? Why not just shoot them from orbit with the early-type star destroyers?!??!?!?!?!

So many questions. On to the review. The bad: Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Jar Jar Binks. The good: ewan MacGregor, Samuel L Jackson, Yoda. The great: Ian McDiarmid Christopher F'N Lee!!! and the guy who played Jango Fett (who I have found out is Maori and is one hell of an actor who deserves ultra-stardom).

The horrible: The fact that the audience laughs at the dialogue between Annakin and Queen Amaporra(whatever). Stilted, wooden, badly acted, nonsense that makes the dialogue in "Pearl Harbour" look like Chaucer.

A great looking movie but souless, you really do not care for any of the characters you are supposed to. Actually, the minor characters (Count Dooku, Palpatine, The Federation Droids) have more soul and depth than anyone else. This is Lucas's flaw..HE CANT WRITE.

The final 30 minutes save this flick from being a total bomb. My advice to Herr Lucas: Get Timothy Zahn, the author of the "Dark Force Rising" series of Star Wars novels, to pen the final installment. Oh and please please PLEASE get Jeremy Irons to play a young Gov. Tarkin.

I dont really have a closing statement excpet to say: CHRISTOPHER F'N LEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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