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Overall Rating

Awesome: 2.94%
Worth A Look: 2.94%
Average: 2.94%
Pretty Bad: 10.78%
Total Crap80.39%

2 reviews, 90 user ratings

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Master of Disguise, The
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by Chris Parry

"Quite honestly, I've never seen anything less competent. And I mean that."
1 stars

Over the course of my existence, I've seen a whole lot of bad movies. Some were bad because they didn't try to be anything but. Some were bad because the filmmakers just had no idea what they were doing. And some were noble of intent, but just didn't make the grade. And then there's the bottom 1% - the films that are so dumb, so half-assed, so without forethought or competence or point or a deserving place in the world of cinema that you actually get angry watching them. The Master of Disguise is such a worthless exercise that it's a fair bet nobody involved will ever work in cinema again. And that would *almost* be justice.

Dana Carvey plays a man called Pistachio Disguisey. That's about as much as you need to know about the storyline in this utter waste of time. Pistachio Disguisey. We're clearly dealing with comedic characters about half a step down from I.P Freeley and Ben Dover here, and I'm not about to give the storyline any more credit than it deserves by going any deeper into it. Of course, it doesn't help that I couldn't for the life of me follow what was going on, through my non-stop yawning, checking of my watch, and the continual rolling of my eyes.

The Master of Disguise screenplay is about as funny as Schindler's List. Allow me to demonstrate - one of the ongoing gags in the film involves an arch-criminal who has a tendency to laugh out loud until he farts.

Oh. My. God. Is that not the funniest thing you've ever heard? HE LAUGHS TIL HE FARTS!

I mean, someone at an early point in this film's production obviously thought that was just the funniest thing they'd ever heard. So funny in fact that it deserved to be in every fourth scene. And what's amazing is that nobody, at any stage of this project, thought it wise to point out that not even a five-year-old with developmental disabilities could possibly think that was even remotely funny. It's mind-boggling! These people actually spent millions of dollars shooting a film where one of the central jokes involves a fart. Could I be any less surprised that it was Executive Produced by Adam Sandler?

Dana Carvey was on a good thing when he was riding the Mike Myers/Wayne's World comedy train, but as Myers showed when he risked getting sued by Universal for refusing to make an unfunny movie based on his Sprockets character, continued success means not allowing your reputation to be damaged by appearing in movies that will leave an audience feeling cheated. Credit Myers for taking the high road, while clearly Carvey is taking a road so low that there may be no return.

How low? Here's a clue. The entire plotline only goes 69 minutes. That's right - 69 minutes. If I though the writers were the slightest bit capable of it, I'd have thought that was some sort of intentionally juvenile '69' reference, but it isn't. It's all they had that came even close to being usable. So what do they do to fill the film out to a barely feature-length 78 minutes? That's right, they give us TEN MINUTES OF OUT-TAKES!

And since that's not really enough to fool us, what do we get after the out-takes? We get the scenes that weren't funny enough to make it into the movie. And after that? Last minute schtick bits, filmed with the sole intention of padding another minute or two out of the running time.

Oh yes, good people of film land, this is indeed a most heinous experience, one with precious little regard for the consumer and comedy at large.

Put simply, Dana Carvey's career is finished. It ends here, Dana. Get back on the stand-up circuit, you unmitigated hack. Passing this below-straight-to-video fare off as a movie is criminaly fraudulent, and should you ever manage to get your gaping maw into another flick, I'll personally lead the consumer boycott and class action lawsuits for the return of every single ticket purchase.

Also sure to find it hard to survive this catastrophic cinematic experience are Brent Spiner, Jennifer Esposito and James Brolin. Perhaps they can be foriven for not knowing a funny line if it anally invaded them, since none has ever claimed to be the slightest bit comedically-based (smart casting when you're making a comedy, wouldn't you say?), but Carvey not only surely knew that this was a pile of crap, but he also shamelessly went on TV to promote it, trying to convince us to buy a ticket.

Movies don't come any worse than this, and Carvey's performance matches the movie's level of competence perfectly. He needs to take a lesson or two in professional standards (not to mention comedy) from Mike Myers, then get out from the under the putrid wing of Adam Sandler (he who brought us the comedic talents of Rob Schneider) and rediscover what it means to be funny. Or he needs to just walk into the desert and save us from an experience like this again. That might be the noblest thing Carvey could do at this point.

Faced with having to watch this again, watch home video of small animals being mutilated, or gouging my own eyes out with a rusty screwdriver, I think I'd go for the animal torture video. Master of Disguise is honestly that bad.

It comes down to this - if I found out tomorrow that Carvey had succumbed to a terminal bout of arse cancer, I wouldn't shed a tear. A little harsh? Until you sit through this mind-numbingly bad, 69-minute 'film', you have no basis upon which to judge.

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originally posted: 08/29/02 14:11:06
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User Comments

4/27/16 Ken Dana Carvey's so stupid. Why did he make this tripe? 1 stars
7/30/14 D. The R. Need a new rating for this one: WWC, Watch While Comatose. Seriously, OK for toddlers. 2 stars
2/21/14 Justin R. Don't see this film at all! 1 stars
11/26/11 Dana Carvey must die... well, retire at least. Horrendous. Makes you feel dumber by seeing it. 1 stars
11/17/11 Dr.Lao Pretty much killed the movie careers of Carvey and Spiner, and its not hard ot see why 1 stars
1/16/09 Shaun Wallner Very Boring! 1 stars
10/17/07 Beau It was just a boring movie 2 stars
5/07/06 chienne Way up there with Eyes Wide Shut - f***ing tripe!!! 1 stars
10/11/05 Mike Bu I couldn't disagree more. I thought it was lighthearted and sincerely side-splitting. 4 stars
9/19/05 Nick Carvey has wasted 1.5 hours of my life, I can never get that time back. 1 stars
9/09/05 JJ So so very bad 1 stars
5/20/05 susan varney they couldn't disguise this terrible movie 1 stars
5/18/05 Cindy Lovell I can't believe they wasted film on this 1 stars
5/12/05 doug Disgusting 1 stars
4/23/05 H Lin terrible 1 stars
4/22/05 Pippin007 Its dumb! The story is poorly done. 2 stars
4/21/05 Colleen Goldrick Not that great 2 stars
4/18/05 Rhianna Correa Kids loved this movie 3 stars
3/29/05 craig varney dana carvey couldn't disguise this crapola it stinks 1 stars
3/24/05 Colleen Goldrick too silly 2 stars
3/12/05 Jeff Anderson Hopelessly inane & embarrassing! Spiner's flatulent character is a JOKE, what was the point 1 stars
3/10/05 Steph its okay... 4 stars
2/23/05 Colleen Goldrick Pathetic 1 stars
2/05/05 Susan Chamberlain I thought it was stupid. 1 stars
1/19/05 Keaton the Black Jackal What? Whaddya mean the rating system can only go down to one star? An utterly dreadful film 1 stars
1/05/05 Joe England Well, I thought the farting was the best gag... which doesn't say much for the rest of it. 2 stars
1/03/05 croweater888 this made $40,322,713 at the boxoffice...can you believe it?? 1 stars
10/18/04 Hadassah I loved it. Dana Carvey is so cute! 5 stars
8/16/04 Dallas Moye Gag 1 stars
8/07/04 Worst movie ever Toxic. Harmful to children and adults 1 stars
7/19/04 Karla Knechtel I think it is hilarious in a really cheesy kind of way. 3 stars
6/23/04 Taylor Fladgate Horrible. Just...horrible. and sad. 1 stars
6/14/04 Spiderfan50 Wow. It was so random! I loved it as a no-brainer comedy!!! 5 stars
5/31/04 Troy Kuprash Horrible, Just Horrible 1 stars
5/06/04 Ajax The worst movie of all time. And not even funny in that Ed Wood way. 1 stars
4/06/04 cinkcool unwatchable 1 stars
4/06/04 Ken Stryker wow i saw all the funny stuff on the commercial, wouldnt buy for a nickel movie 1 stars
1/16/04 Ubu the Ripper This should make the Guinness Book for the worst movie ever made. Sucks all ass. 1 stars
1/15/04 J Movies was funny, but it was poorly made. Poor Dana 3 stars
1/13/04 MelissaNYC Maybe Carvey shouldn't have fixed his heart in the first place. 1 stars
12/18/03 bad shit 1 stars
12/12/03 Joey Cole I want to suck my daddy's dick off while watching this!! 1 stars
12/06/03 Mr. Hat (previously Joe Zappa) OK. SNL people have good ideas. Now, how about some halfway decent filmmaking for once???!! 2 stars
11/01/03 culprit64 Can I give it a negative star rating? Seriously it fucking sucked big floppy donkey dick! 1 stars
10/21/03 shawn down with dana 1 stars
10/07/03 Gary funny as hell 5 stars
10/03/03 Samuel Justus what was with the farting, wait..nevermind what the fuck is with this movie?!? 1 stars
9/17/03 doug good god jesus 1 stars
8/17/03 Mr adventure any movie with big butts like that is fine by me! bring the sequel, more butts@! 1 stars
8/04/03 Curious George omg so bad 1 stars
7/13/03 Ghetto Smurf A thought-provoking,suspense thriller,with a surprise twist at the end.Whoops, wrong movie. 1 stars
7/06/03 Brian It had some good moments, his career isnt over. 2 stars
7/05/03 Pete Oh my eyes are burning. My little sisters eyes are burning. yeaaaarrrgggggggggggggggggggggg 1 stars
6/26/03 cochese I weep for mankind, this movie made money. 1 stars
6/24/03 Jon Lyrik The most sloppy and amateurish comedy since Kung Pow! Enter the Fist. 1 stars
4/22/03 scream bad 1 stars
3/19/03 beyatch 1 stars
2/25/03 Croweater hilarious! brilliant! superbly acted! wonderfully scripted! A landmark movie!......NOT! 1 stars
2/19/03 Dana Carvey must DIE!!! Very violent things should be done to people who liked this movie 1 stars
2/18/03 taj We can no longer blame Hollywood; this shitpile cut a tidy profit. 1 stars
2/14/03 Andrew Carden Amusing Characters, Horrid Film. 2 stars
2/11/03 Ubu the Ripper I was embarrassed for Dana Carvey. His career is at its nadir. 1 stars
2/10/03 Chiendog Dogshit! Carvey has truly become a "Master of Disgust." 1 stars
2/03/03 The Aussie Film Reviewer Proof that no matter how bad it is, there'll always be $38m worth of idiots prepared to go. 1 stars
1/19/03 Pete The last seal has been breached. ay god save us all 1 stars
1/18/03 Lester Jones bad, bad movie 1 stars
12/16/02 Motherfucker If I ever see you on the street Dana Carvey I'll bash your fucking head in 1 stars
12/04/02 Stephanie Throckmorton Watchable comedy. But as Yogi Berra would say, 90% of it is half silly. 4 stars
11/20/02 Goofy Maxwell Carvey's got a turtle head pokin' out of his neck. 2 stars
10/30/02 Buddha This mess made $39m at the box office. That's a few mill more than K-19. Shame, USA! 1 stars
10/11/02 SiliconHero "Pistachio Disguisey"? I think I see pigs flying... 1 stars
9/14/02 eli anyone else notice that carvey's accent is stronger than his father and grandfather? 1 stars
8/29/02 Buddha I downloaded it for free, and still couldn't make it through. Totally without a laugh. 1 stars
8/20/02 Dana Carvey is a humourless cunt Fuck this movie! Worst picture in the history of mankind! Kill whoever did this shit! 1 stars
8/19/02 Shaun no need for a movie this bad 1 stars
8/15/02 Ian Franzen WOW, just WOW. 1 stars
8/14/02 K-ronik Dire stuff. Not even a film. It's like they gave up on it and released it anyway. 1 stars
8/13/02 snowconehead say it ain't so, garth? 2 stars
8/12/02 Priscilla Mack This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen 1 stars
8/11/02 The Chronic Mastubator God damn!! This was almost as bad as Country Bears... and that's pretty bad. 1 stars
8/09/02 J. Dana... Why have you subjected us to this crap?! You are desparate. Be gone! 1 stars
8/07/02 Kooze Oh my God. 1 stars
8/06/02 Chase Utter, total crap. "Master of Disguise" masters the art of sucking. 1 stars
8/06/02 Sarah Smith? Hollywood shill? Honestly, the movie studios should shoot their 80-IQ PR people. 1 stars
8/04/02 bob Worst movie I've ever sat through in a theatre 1 stars
8/04/02 Leopold Bloom Yep, yep, it blows. 1 stars
8/03/02 Joe Deblow "Pistachio Disguisey" - nuff said 1 stars
8/03/02 Peter Smith this is a piece of shit 1 stars
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  02-Aug-2002 (PG)



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