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Overall Rating
2.6

Awesome: 17.98%
Worth A Look: 13.48%
Average: 12.36%
Pretty Bad: 22.47%
Total Crap33.71%

6 reviews, 53 user ratings


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Blue Crush
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by Chris Parry

"Female empowerment? Is that what you call blowing a QB and wearing bikinis?"
1 stars

Good grief. Either women have hideously low standards or Hollywood wouldn't know female empowerment if it broke off in it's ass, but what is it with all these movies dealing with 'female empowerment' that rely on jiggling breasts and skimpy clothing to get an audience? It wasn't long ago that we were being told that Coyote Ugly was all about female empowerment, when in actual fact it was about wetting your T-shirt down, dancing on a bar and getting dollars thrust down your G-string. Before that we had Striptease, about a mom ready to go to any lengths to keep her kids fed. Hmm, funny, all we remember about that one is Demi Moore's cans. Well, Pretty Woman was about female empowerment, right? I mean, Julia Roberts may have been a whore, but at least she got bought some cool stuff! Not going to fly? Okay, well what about Showgirls! That was surely about female empowerment! Well, about as much as Blue Crush is...

Honest to God, how come every movie about female empowerment uses gorgeous girls in every single role? Where's the ugly girl getting the guy? Where's the geeky chick in the chemistry club winning the Nobel Prize? How come every single female 'scientist' in movies has to be a Nicole Kidman or Mira Sorvino or Elizabeth Shue? Where are the truly empowered women - the doctors and lawyers and computer scientists? Why is it that, in order to be empowered, a girl has to dance on a bar, be a hooker, or ride a wave in a skimpy bikini?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I dig the whole breast thing, I'm a fan of the flesh as much as the next guy, but why not just come out and say "this is a movie about girls in bikinis who surf a lot?" Why not admit that the target audience is, in actual fact, teenage boys? Why gussy it up like a two dollar hooker going to the King's ball? You ain't fooling anyone here, sistahs, we know you're shallow.

Here's the thing; women are empowered when they use their heads. Riding a wave when common sense tells you it's a dumb thing to do remains a dumb thing to do. When a movie is trying to tell you that riding a wave is more important than school, we're a long way from empowering a generation - we've moved towards the gradual destruction of it.

In actual fact, if you were to swap the surfboards for bartops, Blue Crush is Coyote Ugly - only with smaller chests and awful music. The story is the same, the performances are as bad, the script is every bit as awful and underdone. It's a surf movie, people, not an intellectual study on how girls can be anything they strive for.

To bother you with storyline would be to waste your precious time, something you need not do by buying a ticket to this mess. Suffice it to say that a surfer broad wants to ride a big wave, but everytime she falls off a board she has flashbacks about a near drowning and her loudmouth mom, so she doesn't know if she can do it. And she gets laid and orders room service (wow, it is like Pretty Woman!) and loses her job because she's an arrogant ass (who really deserved to lose her job, truth be told). Of course, in the end everything is wonderful, but you never for one second are led to expect anything but a happy ending in this rose-colored bikini-a-thon. It is to female empowerment what the Patch Adams courtroom scene was to drama.

In fact, if we're to believe the morals and ethics and ideals on display here, if your kid sister is in a nightclub instead of school, smoking weed and downing hooch while some homeboy surf-bum grabs her tang, if she tells you to leave her alone, you should, and then you should go surfing and blow a football player. Yeah, follow that dream, kids!

Sure, the surf photography is great, but being as it's used in place of dialogue and meaningful storyline, it only serves to grate after a while. That's probably for the best though, being as the dialogue consists of lines this bad: "You're fired, you can pick up your last paycheck next week - Surf's up, Maryanne." With scintillating repartee like that, you'd be expected to assume that this thing was written by non-English-speaking Ugandan refugees but sadly actual real-life English-speaking people wrote this garbola. And they got paid for it. Paid more than your local doctor makes in a year, no doubt.

Ladies, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling all empowered. I'm going to get my kid sister addicted to crystal meth, nail a football player, quit school, quit my job, and then go surf. Hollywood tells me it will all be better if I just do that.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=6071&reviewer=1
originally posted: 09/05/02 08:51:21
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User Comments

5/22/15 David Hollingsworth Poor man 1 stars
3/27/12 CoolChick So what they're hot??? THE PLOT SUCKED. More like female DEPOWERMENT. 2 stars
11/08/08 Tiffany Losco I really liked this movie. Love the surfing 4 stars
6/07/08 PAUL SHORTT A DEAD IN THE WATER DUD 1 stars
6/01/07 zack sanoe lake is the only reason why I likehe movie, Kate Bosworth ok, and that other chick 3 stars
9/25/06 David Pollastrini all the women in this film are hot! 4 stars
2/09/05 Jeff Anderson The leads are attractive & natural & Stockwell's love for surfing is commendable. IT SHOWS! 5 stars
10/19/04 TITS GREAT FILM N WOULD I FUCK THE LEAD 5 stars
9/07/04 Jim Story: Nonexistent. Bikinis: Skimpy. Surf Footage: Amazing 4 stars
7/27/04 Karin Johnson You couldn't pay me enough money to watch this shit again. 1 stars
6/28/04 Kade I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! I think its the best movie ever!!!!!!!! 5 stars
6/03/04 ROSE IT WAS AN AWESOME MOVIE 5 stars
5/24/04 LARRY CIELOSZCZYK LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
5/07/04 andrea premecz I think its the best movie ever. But I guess if your not for surfing you won't get into it. 5 stars
1/09/04 TheOthersFan Let's have us some more do-the-nasty sequences and less daytime soap melodrama 2 stars
1/05/04 DM Hmmmmmm, do you think Dr. Chumley disliked it? 1 stars
1/04/04 Nicole UNBIELEVIEBLE once u get a test u can't let go, u can't stop watching it 5 stars
12/10/03 Dave T ABOSULT CRAP, 1 OF THE SHITEST MOVIES IVE EVA SEEN, WORST STORYLINE, DUN WASTE UR MONEY ! 1 stars
11/22/03 BluDud3 Crap + bad boobs 1 stars
10/06/03 Kitty It was okay, though not as great as I expected. 4 stars
10/02/03 Frank Soucy it sucked 1 stars
9/05/03 Ingo Ok, so the tube shots are great. But that doesn't make a good movie. 2 stars
7/27/03 crazy one of the best movies i've seen. awesome. 5 stars
7/24/03 MDR That shit is hott 5 stars
3/23/03 Lauren Gramann it was really good I loved it 5 stars
3/04/03 velvet Sunscreen, better storyline,more curvy bodies, no moaning, Michelle R no longer rules. 2 stars
3/02/03 JR This review was right on!!! 1 stars
2/24/03 the clergyman '' don't criticize a lie you ha..BLAH BLAH - I hope you die matthew. very soon. 1 stars
2/21/03 Mister Bigglesworth If Ashley Judd, J-Lo, or aging Meg Ryan could surf, this would be their "date" genre flik. 2 stars
2/18/03 Jessica Surfing rocks.Chix rule.And Girls DOMINATE!And life sux withought the surfing 5 stars
2/17/03 Matthew Koenig Don't criticize a way of life you haven't lived. 4 stars
1/15/03 Muppet the wonder surfer Sanoe Lake is hot. 3 stars
1/13/03 Simone The movie was just like any stupid teenage love movie with the same type of plot. 1 stars
1/04/03 surfer surfing is surfing, chicks are chicks, and hollywood is for pricks 1 stars
12/06/02 LJ Friggin awesome movie. Anyone don't like it, they can blow me. Blue Crush is sweeeeeet. 5 stars
9/20/02 Stinger Ignore the criticism...enjoy the surfing & incredible footage 4 stars
9/13/02 Holly MacDonald AWESOME! 5 stars
9/12/02 laron chapman AWESOME AND ACTION-PACKED 5 stars
9/09/02 Patrick This movie was great, the scenery was amazing during the movie 5 stars
9/09/02 Movie guy A GREAT FILM 5 stars
9/08/02 Cliché Master Commits one of the worst cinematic crimes possible...it makes chicks in bikinis boring. 1 stars
9/08/02 Tits for the boys… …that's what this movie is about. And Kate Bosworth SUCKS! 1 stars
9/04/02 NavyUboat Hawaii, NorthShore, Waves ++, her inability to overcome - -, new found love - - 3 stars
8/27/02 James Drake The worst movie ever shown at a theatre. It sucks smelly ass. 1 stars
8/24/02 ^ZuLu^ boring stereotype teen-romance and not even beautiful pictures 1 stars
8/24/02 Rampage not even worth a matinee... >_< 1 stars
8/24/02 kitt4film@hotmail.com This must be be for guys cause I'm not buying this stuff. 1 stars
8/23/02 Headshot This is a cool summer movie. It has girls, big waves and bikinis. Nothing more than this... 3 stars
8/23/02 The Chronic Mastubator Probably the mos useless movie in a long time. Dumb & annoying.. completely pointless junk! 2 stars
8/20/02 Ramblin Wreck I moderatly enjoyed this movie the first time I saw it....when it was called "Rip Girls" 2 stars
8/19/02 .Choadushouse. Blue Crush = Crossroads - Britney + Lots of Surfing 3 stars
8/18/02 Peter Brook Some nice tits, some nice asses, some nice surf. All else blows, bigtime. 1 stars
8/17/02 K-ronik Make as many excuses as you like, but this just wasn't great. 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  16-Aug-2002 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  05-Dec-2002




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