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Overall Rating

Awesome: 17.98%
Worth A Look: 13.48%
Average: 12.36%
Pretty Bad: 22.47%
Total Crap33.71%

6 reviews, 53 user ratings

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Blue Crush
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by DrChumley

"If Only It Had Been My Head Against The Reef"
1 stars

Let’s be completely honest with ourselves. There are only two reasons anyone would ever go to see the movie Blue Crush: eye candy and surfing footage. Well, the movie delivers in one of those two areas. We can sum it up this way: Baywatch it ain't.

This movie was beyond terrible. It beat me up, stole my wallet, slashed my throat, and left me for dead. By the end of this insufferable travesty of a film I was drooling on myself and babbling away like an extra in Awakenings, and despite my desperate desires to the contrary, the words to express my deep, abiding hatred of this “movie” simply don’t exist.

Anne Marie (Kate Bosworth) is high school dropout who lives with her friends Eden (Michelle Rodriguez) and Lena (Sanoe Lake), and is a guardian for her younger sister Penny (Mika Boorem.) There’s also a gang of local surfers headed up by Drew (Chris Taloa) who serve absolutely no purpose other than to annoy me.

Once a junior champion surfer, Anne Marie nearly died in a drowning accident. Three years later she lives in a hovel on the beach, works as a maid at a local hotel, and surfs a lot. And she’s been invited to the big pipeline masters competition. But she’s scared because she might get “crushed” again and maybe this time she’ll die—to which I say, “Oh, please! If there is a God in heaven!!!”

In her wacky escapades at the hotel, cleaning up a particularly disgusting room, she runs into a hunky football quarterback from some pro team (Matthew Davis) who manages to convince her, over the course of two surfing lessons, to sleep with him. She surfs the pipeline, and they all live happily ever after, blah, blah, blah.

Now, I knew not to expect a lot when I went into this film. I knew it was not going to be a masterpiece, but even a popcorn film usually has a little bit of redeeming value. Alas, meet the black hole of cinematic quality. There are so many awful things about this movie, it’s hard to know where to start.

The script for Blue Crush, written by Lizzy Weiss and John Stockwell (neither of whom have a recognizable writing credit to their name) is atrocious. This hackneyed, disjointed, pathetic story is like a cross between an ABC after-school special and an episode of Married, With Children. The writers obviously couldn’t decide where the story should go, so they put in everything: the fat comic relief, the angsty, pot-smoking teenager with a good heart, the tough-as-nails friend, the hunky romantic lead, the inspiring sports mentor, the permanantly shirtless gang of local surfer morons, the absentee mother, the bitchy, big-breasted, backbiting trophy girlfriends, and again, blah, blah, blah.

The problem is, none of it fits together. I didn’t expect to find Jane Austen in a surfing movie, but a movie has got to have a coherent plot for me to enjoy it, and this one really didn’t. Weiss and Stockwell were more concerned with getting everything in, and not nearly as concerned about cause and effect. The result is a story with too many worthless subplots that go completely unexplored, and a nonsensical, dismembered storyline.

And then there were the actors. The four female leads and Davis did a passable job with their roles. Not for one moment did I believe any of what they were doing, but it wasn’t painful most of the time. The “acting” got entirely out of control, however, when Stockwell (who also directed) allowed the actors to “improvise.”

A note to all directors: In music, dance, and acting, improvisation is one of the most difficult, advanced, and highly respected abilities. It is a skill that few can do well. It’s why Wayne Brady is on Whose Line Is It Anyway and I’m not. Therefore, unless you are willing to cast actors who know how to improvise, don’t let them improvise. You’ll be doing yourself (and me) a big favor. The improv dialogue in this movie was so bad, I actually choked on my popcorn and had to leave the theater twice during the film.

Another casting note: if anyone ever casts the horrendously untalented Chris Taloa again, I will forever boycott cinema. Pecs and a six-pack do not an actor make. And if I have to watch one more anorexic, flat-chested, stringy-haired skank-ho parading around in a manky bikini top and crusty cut-offs, I’ll slam my own head into the reef until I’m dead.

The cinematography was the only good thing about Blue Crush. DP David Hennings managed to capture some visually stunning scenery and surfing action, and I did love the wipeouts. If I didn’t find most surfing as boring to watch as a nice round of golf or the third frame of a national bowling title, it might have saved the film from going Titanic.

Put simply, I can sum up my feelings about this movie in two words: WHO CARES? My life isn’t exactly tough, but even I can’t manage to care about someone whose greatest problem in life is surfing a big wave. Call me back when the Gestapo is coming after you or you’re about to be sold into slavery. otherwise, do us a favor and drown next time.

It is worth going? Only if you’re the kind of person who likes root canals.

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originally posted: 08/24/02 16:47:20
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User Comments

5/22/15 David Hollingsworth Poor man 1 stars
3/27/12 CoolChick So what they're hot??? THE PLOT SUCKED. More like female DEPOWERMENT. 2 stars
11/08/08 Tiffany Losco I really liked this movie. Love the surfing 4 stars
6/01/07 zack sanoe lake is the only reason why I likehe movie, Kate Bosworth ok, and that other chick 3 stars
9/25/06 David Pollastrini all the women in this film are hot! 4 stars
2/09/05 Jeff Anderson The leads are attractive & natural & Stockwell's love for surfing is commendable. IT SHOWS! 5 stars
9/07/04 Jim Story: Nonexistent. Bikinis: Skimpy. Surf Footage: Amazing 4 stars
7/27/04 Karin Johnson You couldn't pay me enough money to watch this shit again. 1 stars
6/28/04 Kade I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! I think its the best movie ever!!!!!!!! 5 stars
5/24/04 LARRY CIELOSZCZYK LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
5/07/04 andrea premecz I think its the best movie ever. But I guess if your not for surfing you won't get into it. 5 stars
1/09/04 TheOthersFan Let's have us some more do-the-nasty sequences and less daytime soap melodrama 2 stars
1/05/04 DM Hmmmmmm, do you think Dr. Chumley disliked it? 1 stars
1/04/04 Nicole UNBIELEVIEBLE once u get a test u can't let go, u can't stop watching it 5 stars
11/22/03 BluDud3 Crap + bad boobs 1 stars
10/06/03 Kitty It was okay, though not as great as I expected. 4 stars
10/02/03 Frank Soucy it sucked 1 stars
9/05/03 Ingo Ok, so the tube shots are great. But that doesn't make a good movie. 2 stars
7/27/03 crazy one of the best movies i've seen. awesome. 5 stars
7/24/03 MDR That shit is hott 5 stars
3/23/03 Lauren Gramann it was really good I loved it 5 stars
3/04/03 velvet Sunscreen, better storyline,more curvy bodies, no moaning, Michelle R no longer rules. 2 stars
3/02/03 JR This review was right on!!! 1 stars
2/24/03 the clergyman '' don't criticize a lie you ha..BLAH BLAH - I hope you die matthew. very soon. 1 stars
2/21/03 Mister Bigglesworth If Ashley Judd, J-Lo, or aging Meg Ryan could surf, this would be their "date" genre flik. 2 stars
2/18/03 Jessica Surfing rocks.Chix rule.And Girls DOMINATE!And life sux withought the surfing 5 stars
2/17/03 Matthew Koenig Don't criticize a way of life you haven't lived. 4 stars
1/15/03 Muppet the wonder surfer Sanoe Lake is hot. 3 stars
1/13/03 Simone The movie was just like any stupid teenage love movie with the same type of plot. 1 stars
1/04/03 surfer surfing is surfing, chicks are chicks, and hollywood is for pricks 1 stars
12/06/02 LJ Friggin awesome movie. Anyone don't like it, they can blow me. Blue Crush is sweeeeeet. 5 stars
9/20/02 Stinger Ignore the criticism...enjoy the surfing & incredible footage 4 stars
9/13/02 Holly MacDonald AWESOME! 5 stars
9/12/02 laron chapman AWESOME AND ACTION-PACKED 5 stars
9/09/02 Patrick This movie was great, the scenery was amazing during the movie 5 stars
9/09/02 Movie guy A GREAT FILM 5 stars
9/08/02 Cliché Master Commits one of the worst cinematic crimes makes chicks in bikinis boring. 1 stars
9/08/02 Tits for the boys… …that's what this movie is about. And Kate Bosworth SUCKS! 1 stars
9/04/02 NavyUboat Hawaii, NorthShore, Waves ++, her inability to overcome - -, new found love - - 3 stars
8/27/02 James Drake The worst movie ever shown at a theatre. It sucks smelly ass. 1 stars
8/24/02 ^ZuLu^ boring stereotype teen-romance and not even beautiful pictures 1 stars
8/24/02 Rampage not even worth a matinee... >_< 1 stars
8/24/02 This must be be for guys cause I'm not buying this stuff. 1 stars
8/23/02 Headshot This is a cool summer movie. It has girls, big waves and bikinis. Nothing more than this... 3 stars
8/23/02 The Chronic Mastubator Probably the mos useless movie in a long time. Dumb & annoying.. completely pointless junk! 2 stars
8/20/02 Ramblin Wreck I moderatly enjoyed this movie the first time I saw it....when it was called "Rip Girls" 2 stars
8/19/02 .Choadushouse. Blue Crush = Crossroads - Britney + Lots of Surfing 3 stars
8/18/02 Peter Brook Some nice tits, some nice asses, some nice surf. All else blows, bigtime. 1 stars
8/17/02 K-ronik Make as many excuses as you like, but this just wasn't great. 2 stars
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  16-Aug-2002 (PG-13)



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