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Overall Rating
2.3

Awesome: 12.86%
Worth A Look: 12.86%
Average: 17.14%
Pretty Bad: 5.71%
Total Crap51.43%

4 reviews, 46 user ratings


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Swimfan
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Chris Parry

"If I was looking for one word, that word would be 'dire'."
1 stars

Swimfan. Remember the title, for in years to come, when your buddies are bored and watching crappy cable movies while playing poker and someone says "what was the dumbest movie title of all time," quick as a shot you'll blurt out "SWIMFAN!" and impress everybody with your wicked smart rate of recall. That's about the only memorable thing in this movie, a slow-moving, plothole-heavy morass that wants you to think "what if this happened to me" when all you're really thinking is "I wonder if the Swimfan is going to get nekkid."

Jesse Bradford is a high school swim team champ with a great girlfriend and the big college scouts coming out to watch him swim in a week. Life rocks. Then he meets a girl who has cheekbones seemingly filled with helium (Erika Christensen) who wants him. And he kinda wants her, because he's a dumbass who wouldn't know a bad situation if it bit him on the pecker with sharp pointy teeth.

Hey, is there really such a thing as 'swim scouts' that peruse high schools looking for people to give scholarships to? And if there is, why would you bother showing up at a school across the country when all you really need to do is call and ask for the kid's times?

So the Swimfan gets all obsessed with the swimmer, appearing wherever he shows up, befriending his girlfriend, introducing herself to his mom, etc etc, and Jesse has a shit-fit, only not the kind you and I would have (you know, the one where we yell at the chick and tel her if she doesn't back the fuck off we're getting a restraining order), no, Jesse has little "I don't want to hurt your feelings.. we're friends" shitfits. These aren't really shitfits at all, they're pussywhippings, but director John Polson knows that the old restraining order routine would be tough to work into a plot with more holes than a post-iceberg Titanic.

Polson seemingly employed no lighting technicians on this film, since every single scene is darker than a Todd Solondz sub-plot. If Polson had needed to shoot Jesse Bradford actually walking on the sun, you can guarantee he would have had the sun turned off for the scene. I'm convinced Polson had a gigantic hangover throughout the entire shoot and the lights were making his head hurt. Either that or they shot this thing during the California power crisis and decided to do their part.

Christensen is a decent stalkerette. She looks like a crazed penis vixen at the best of times, and when Polson opts to have her mascara run she looks mighty unholy. This is the kind of girl who we've all dated at one time or another. She usually managed to get pregnant to some poor slob at age 19, thus ruining his life and ensuring she didn't have to go beyond a comfortable couch for the next ten years of hers, then when he left she cried that she gave him her best years. You know the type - I narrowly escaped at least four of them myself and that, my friends, is scarier than anything Swimfan can conjure.

One final parting shot at a movie that deserves many more, why must the geek in Hollywood movies always be, for a male: buff, and for a female: hot. Slapping a pair of horn-rims and a little Bryl-Creem on a guy who can bench 350 and has a chin you could chisel marble with does not make him a geek. It makes him a 'Hollywood geek', and that just doesn't play in Peoria, you know?

You could write a thesis on what's wrong with Swimfan, but why would you waste your time? In a few weeks everyone will have forgotten it ever existed (they already are) and John Polson will have gone back to acting. Badly.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=6111&reviewer=1
originally posted: 09/18/02 05:17:44
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User Comments

7/13/10 Tarit I don't understand why everybody's slamming this movie. I loved it and Erika is so hot 5 stars
12/27/09 art SWIMFAN BURRIES IT"S 1993 ROLE MODEL"THE CRUSH" 3 stars
8/30/09 Candace Troy Powers Better thanFATAL ATTRACTIONorOBSESSED. Cuts to essence of what those drowned in too much BS 5 stars
6/15/09 art ERIKA CHRISTENSEN IS BEAUTIFUL,SO WHO CARES if THE MOVIE IS BAD? 3 stars
4/28/08 art IT"S REALLY A REHASH OF THE 1993 FILM THE CRUSH 1 stars
1/28/07 David Pollastrini Fatal Attraction for the high school set 4 stars
8/16/06 Rio To quote Nick Digilio: It's called SWIMFAN!!! 2 stars
11/30/05 Sean D It tried. It tested. And the shit-o-meter went off the scale! 1 stars
3/27/04 Nicole This movie is freaky ..the girl is such a freak! "TELL ME YOU LOVE ME..SAY IT" 4 stars
3/18/04 Jen Pretty good, nothing too special. They could have done better. 4 stars
3/17/04 Brando AH GOD! 1 stars
2/23/04 Naturezrevenge Boring teen titty movie. Pornos have more plot. This movie has as much substance as air. 1 stars
12/25/03 anonymous I don't like Erika Christensen 4 stars
10/11/03 samantha Its ok:) 2 stars
5/09/03 Ashley Corpening C'mon Greg Muskewitz, Julia Stiles makes Erika Christensen look like Meryl Streep! 4 stars
5/08/03 Natalie Stonecipher Holy Crecking Infuddable! Madison makes Alex Forrest look like Erin Brockovich! 4 stars
5/07/03 The Quirkfetch Kid Oooooooooh! Quiver-quiver! I'd like to give Madison a Krazy glue enema! 3 stars
4/23/03 Fergus what a fucken bore. He needs a fucken eyedog. Blonde over brunette? Ewwww. 1 stars
4/08/03 Ian OK film but follows too much of the plot of Fatal Attraction. 3 stars
2/16/03 scott A GREAT FILM 5 stars
12/24/02 Julie So boring and predictable, I took a nap. No thrills to be found here. 1 stars
12/07/02 BAM GREAT 5 stars
11/25/02 Jewles What a waste of time and money. I lost all respect for the actors in this flick. 1 stars
11/21/02 Jay Some give Shiri acting lessons, she sucks the big time bad. 1 stars
11/08/02 Ashley Corpening C'mon Greg Muskewitz, Julia Stiles makes Erika Christensen look like Meryl Streep! 4 stars
11/07/02 Natalie Stonecipher Holy Crecking Infuddable! Madison makes Alex Forrest look like Erin Brockovich! 4 stars
11/07/02 The Quirkfetch Kid Oooooooooh! Quiver-quiver! I'd like to give Madison a Krazy glue enema! 2 stars
10/12/02 qtpie A GREAT FILM 5 stars
10/08/02 Dave Madison is TOO fine! 1 stars
10/07/02 TheOthersFan Makes you jump, but not much else. 2 stars
10/05/02 Maria Coronado I thought the movie was alright, but i thought that jesse was going to stay with the blond. 4 stars
10/04/02 DJ Very good movie 5 stars
9/29/02 Movie guy A GREAT FILM IT ROCKS 5 stars
9/23/02 Marc Wilson Shiri Appleby? Which one was she, the plain brown dull one? 1 stars
9/18/02 lizzybear it was great and shiri appleby did a great job a lot of you have to agree with that! 5 stars
9/16/02 D The movie wasn't THAT bad. The review was hilarious though. 3 stars
9/16/02 Uncle Salty It'll make you want to stab yourself. Anyone telling you different is being paid.i 1 stars
9/15/02 jen clayne crawford is so attractive!! it was highly entertaining 5 stars
9/14/02 MelissaNYC Ashlee, quit smokin' crack! This movie was shitty! 1 stars
9/13/02 Star Roswelsky The actors should have known better! But actually promoting this crap. Shame on them! 1 stars
9/11/02 Jason Keeler Why would anyone think this movie awesome? It is obviously targeted to the IQ 70 crowd 1 stars
9/11/02 k sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks 1 stars
9/11/02 Chancey Thunderpants It's like a teen version of Fatal Attraction. So, no thanks! This blew! 1 stars
9/10/02 .Choadushouse. Bradford = worth your time. Appleby = Insanely CUTE. Movie = predctable and RuinedByPreview 3 stars
9/10/02 Warbandit a crapatcular movie to boot and it sucked donkey feces 1 stars
9/08/02 Cliché Master Well, this film is better than getting kicked in the balls...right? RIGHT!?! 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  06-Sep-2002 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  10-Oct-2002




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