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Overall Rating

Awesome: 2.17%
Worth A Look: 2.17%
Average: 23.91%
Pretty Bad: 10.87%
Total Crap60.87%

3 reviews, 28 user ratings

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Ballistic: Ecks Vs Sever
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by Chris Parry

"You know a film sucks when they won't show the critics."
1 stars

And boy, does this film suck. This sucks like The Punisher sucked. It sucks like Judge Dredd sucked. It sucks like the network TV version of Mallrats sucked. Yes folks, Ballistic: Ecks Vs Sever sucks even worse than it's title. If you can make heads or tails of this contrived, meaningless John Woo rip-off, then more power to you. So far as this judge is concerned, it felt like the Chow Yun Fat movie you make when Chow Yun Fat tells you he's too busy to come out and play.

I think I can cut this story up into one sentence for you. Alcoholic former super-agent is brought back to find femme super-agent because she kidnapped a boy, only it's drunken former super-agent's boy really, only somehow now it's not his boy at all, it's femme super-agent's boss' boy.. or something. I don't know, pretend it makes sense and move on.

Antonio Ban-day-yas is drunken former super-agent. He gets to be in one of those fantastic cliched, "We need you, agent, you're the only option we have left" speeches. Oh, and he hasn't shaved since 1972 apparently. Why is he sad? His wife's gone missing or something. Not surprised, the dude would have been leaving wicked bad whisker burns. It's a ridiculous cliche, but just pretend it makes sense.

And then there's Lucy Liu (who sounds like a square dance - ("take your partner by the hand, Lucy Liu her, round and round"), queen ass kicking super female agent. She has the kidnapped boy, who for some reason has been injected with some sort of super robotic killer frog thing. She's being chased by the law, but rather than escape she prefers to stick around and kill every last officer, doing multi-million dollar damage to downtown Vancouver in the process. She tells innocent civilians to run, but she shoots cops just doing their job. I dunno, just pretend it makes sense.

Then there's the director, Kaos. Yes, that's right, Kaos. His real name is Wych Kaosayananda, so I can understand his desire to shorten things somewhat. Stand by for M.Night Shyamalan to shorten his name to Shy-M sometime soon. Kaos'big problem is that he loves to blow shit up, but he doesn't really have any reason to, so he just makes up reasons. Bullets blow up cars and disintegrate concrete, but they never actually hit a target unless they're fired by Ban-day-has or Liu-ser. She on the other hand could throw a pebble at a stop sign and it would set off a chain reaction that results in sixteen police cars becoming fireballs.

One particularly cool, if completely useless, shot comes when Kaos Theory has the camera follow a dead policeman falling off a building. Not content with a simple drop, we see the flailing policeman the whole way down as the camera tracks down the building and stops when he splats on the roof of a car. What is this guy, a violence freak? Did the kitten torturing scenes get cut out to achieve an PG-13 rating?

This is all unjustified silliness, from start to finish. Ban-day-has is nigh incomprehensible throughout the film, Liu says about three words, the bad guys meld into each other to become a general feeling of paranoia that everyone is in actual fact the bad guy, and the climactic finish gives you the feel that they ran out of LPG to blow up after the first hour.

A big budget doesn't normally bring a result this hokey, but when you're essentially making a Hong Kong Chow Yun Fat movie without Chow Yun Fat and without Hong Kong actors and crew, it becomes harder to excuse the cliches that have been present in every Chow Yun Fat movie since the dawn of time. Slow-mo flying bullet cases is expected with the Fat, but when Lucy Liu is dishing them up (or worse, Ban-day-has) it just cries out 'wannabe'.

From start to finish, this is one dumb movie. It gave me the 'leave early' urge that only the Master of Disguise and FearDotCom have given me so far this year. Rank it up there amongst the true wastes of time Hollywood has ever foisted upon an unsuspecting public. And for God's sake, fire whoever approved that title.

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originally posted: 09/28/02 03:50:05
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User Comments

7/21/12 Quigley I've seen glaciers move faster than this film's plot. One of the most boring films ever. 1 stars
8/30/06 Jarkko Perälä This movie barely makes any sense 1 stars
6/10/05 malcolm as much ass as sexy lucy liu kicked, it just wasn't intersting 2 stars
1/06/05 D takes a little appreciating. 4 stars
1/05/05 Joe England Still, Lucy Liu is brilliant in her portrayal of an Easter Island head statue come to life. 1 stars
8/06/04 Samurai Z yes mate stickin your finger in your nostril much2 better than watcin thic megacrap!!! 1 stars
5/19/04 John hard to believe how bad this is 1 stars
4/10/04 Jack Sommersby As bad as its reputation has indicated. Godawful and inexcusable. 1 stars
3/28/04 Kev Worse than Battlefield Earth!!! 1 stars
1/23/04 Chloe Brody Definitely THE worst movie ever!!! 1 stars
1/20/04 michel Terrible in every aspect! Avoid this like the flu! 1 stars
10/12/03 Goofy Maxwell Coulda been Mad TV meets video game but Kaos takes it too seriously & gets lost in details. 2 stars
3/20/03 Andrew Carden Fantastic Action Scenes Overshadow A Contrived, Silly Piece. 3 stars
1/10/03 Jiz The story was a snoozer but the action scenes were the most hillariously bogus shit ever! 1 stars
1/09/03 qemm Jeez... it takes a genius to produce such crap 1 stars
11/14/02 Jenny Tullwartz Pretty dumb action; heroes and villains seem indistinguishable most of way through. 2 stars
10/07/02 Yo Mama! wasn't that was shiny and fun, Lucy Lui was no means memorable 3 stars
10/02/02 Mister Char it was a new type of awful. definately a first. 1 stars
9/29/02 Uncle Salty Should have been called Ballistic: Total Garbage vs. 8 Dollars 1 stars
9/28/02 strider3700 think bad summer action movie that they pushed back abit 3 stars
9/28/02 MLBCHAN total crap, saw it free and was jipped 1 stars
9/27/02 lordcrunchyfrog Ballistink 2 stars
9/24/02 Buddha Totally crap. Cliche city. 1 stars
9/23/02 Yakobusan it was a super nice sweet action ride! 5 stars
9/22/02 MyztiQ i liked it just for the martial arts scenes. just kinda fun 3 stars
9/22/02 Jon Action scenes can actually be boring, this movie proves it. 2 stars
9/22/02 malcolm hong kong style fun 3 stars
9/22/02 Brian I saw it for free and still feel ripped off... 1 stars
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  20-Sep-2002 (PG-13)



Directed by
  Wych Kaosayananda

Written by
  Alan McElroy

  Antonio Banderas
  Lucy Liu
  Ray Park
  Miguel Sandoval
  Terry Chen
  Aidan Drummond

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