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Overall Rating

Awesome: 13.64%
Worth A Look: 11.36%
Pretty Bad: 11.36%
Total Crap: 13.64%

2 reviews, 32 user ratings

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Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood
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by Rob Gonsalves

"Dennis Miller makes the movie."
3 stars

'Bordello of Blood' may sound a bit like 'From Dusk Till Dawn,' but it's more consistently funny. Sure, 'Dusk' had Quentin Tarantino's zesty dialogue and Robert Rodriguez's ballistic direction, but 'Bordello' has a great joker in its deck: Dennis Miller. Why did such a smart man want to do such a dumb movie? I don't know, but the movie would be pretty sad without him.

Miller is supposed to be Rafe Guttman, a cynical private eye whose office is above an old porno theater. But Dennis Miller can really only play one character, and that's Dennis Miller -- the snide, ironic fountain of pop-culture references. Picture Miller barging into a cheesy '80s horror flick, and you'll know why Bordello of Blood is oddly appealing.

The movie itself is unapologetic trash, like the HBO Tales from the Crypt series inspired by the notorious EC Comics of the '50s. Wallowing cheerfully in its own sleaze, Bordello is sometimes fun, sometimes lame. It isn't particularly well-directed (by Gilbert Adler) or written (Adler and A L Katz), and a subplot lampooning televangelists is tired, to say nothing of dated (are there even any televangelists left to skewer?). The agnostic Miller is retained by a pink-cheeked Christian soldier (Erika Eleniak) whose punk brother (Corey Feldman) has disappeared into a spooky mortuary. The place turns out to be a whorehouse run by vampire queen Lillith (Angie Everhart). Lillith and her hell-whores seduce men, drain them, and (I love this touch) sell their cars.

Horror buffs will check off the nods to The Lost Boys, Phantasm, Frankenhooker (gotta love those exploding vampire wenches), and The X-Files ("Let me advance a Duchovnian theory," Miller cracks). There's plenty of crimson to satisfy gorehounds, as well as copious T&A; it's the sort of grisly sexist romp that, in junior high, I might have considered, like, totally awesome. I'm older now.

A friend of mine has a running joke: Whenever I see a movie featuring an attractive woman, he wants to know, "Is she naked?" In the interest of journalism, I must report that Angie Everhart is not naked (every other vampiress is, though), nor is she an actress. Her function here is to pout, wear form-fitting purple, and have a bad attitude. Dennis Miller, of course, is the king of bad attitude, and he deserved a wittier queen to spar with. Judging from some of the allegedly funny one-liners his castmates are saddled with, I'd guess that Miller ad-libbed most of his own barbs. Even when he's in the thick of things, he's off to the side goofing on the movie, like an obscene doodle in the margin of a textbook. Only this book has very little text.

'Bordello of Blood' isn't much of a movie, though it suggests a new career for Miller, if he wants it: He could be a freelance ironist in other movie genres. Can you imagine him in a Western? Or a war movie: "Fuck, man, don't show me a picture of your sweetheart back home, okay? That means you're gonna get killed. Go find another foxhole." Or 'Escape from L.A.': "Snake, babe, love the eyepatch. Nice big black target right there on your face, but hey -- it's a statement."

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originally posted: 01/26/07 11:11:01
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User Comments

12/28/09 Dane Youssef Silly campy fun. No "Dusk 'Til Fun." But still worth seeing once. Miller's a hoot. 2 stars
10/20/09 art HAM CITY! 1 stars
1/28/07 mets1986 Pure cheese.....but the Velveeta of cheese 4 stars
8/10/06 Dragon The Artist The title says it all about its raciness,& everything in it was a cheeseball!! 2 stars
10/26/05 Allison Funny! You gotta love the Super Soaker scene! 4 stars
8/18/05 ES After demon knight it was a total let down, now we know how the franchise died 1 stars
2/16/05 Wilt Chamberlin Funny as hell! Very entertaining! 5 stars
7/07/04 American Slasher Goddess This makes Demon Knight look like a classic in comparison 1 stars
4/10/04 dr. horror phd a sequel like this was just plain wrong,and you know this, man (chris tucker's smokey ) 1 stars
1/26/04 Eric Dennis Miller sucks.Thank god for Corey Feldman and the hot ladies. 4 stars
7/23/03 Double G I had to go potty in the middle so it got stinky 3 stars
6/27/03 cochese K-Dog is an idiot reviewer. he likes this pile of shit but hated Fight Club? What the fuck 1 stars
10/16/02 Charles Tatum Needs a transfusion 3 stars
6/24/02 Baal Stylish gore and lots of naked chicks. Check it out, it's really cool! 5 stars
9/29/01 Andrew Carden The Only Good Thing Is Whoopi. 2 stars
9/26/01 Shane Robert Myers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It sucked because it was just vampires, nude women and it... was'nt that good! okay!!!!!!!! 3 stars
8/10/01 Mr. Hat The 1st victim was stupid anyway...lettin' someone dart him in his nuts........ 2 stars
11/15/00 Jeff loved it 5 stars
10/18/00 doc rogers Boobs and Blood---what more could you want? 4 stars
9/13/00 Boy In The Designer Bubble I've seen scarier things in my granny's Depends. 2 stars
6/26/00 Guy Nameless Pure fun, not bogged down by any pretensions of seriousness. Dennis is hilarious 5 stars
10/17/99 Brian Average.Miller was funny,but he was just Miller.FDTD set the bar high for this kind of film 3 stars
5/11/99 Lucas Jackson Oh what the fuck it was just like a long tv show,it was good,but to long 3 stars
1/15/99 DRMJSP Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but Dennis Miller is funny as hell. 5 stars
12/14/98 Homer's Tulebox So-so. What can I say? 3 stars
10/17/98 Sailor Moonn Ate My Balls Yadda yadda... in other words... so-so 3 stars
9/15/98 Chip Taylor Ride on, Dappy! 5 stars
9/08/98 Johny Liked it, but DEMON KNIGHT was better 3 stars
9/05/98 pooky the bald Dude. It's fucking Corey FELDMAN! WHOOO! 3 stars
9/01/98 MikeF it was just ok. I like dennis. 3 stars
8/25/98 Miss Stress NO! 1 stars
8/24/98 The Capital City Goofball Dennis Miller *AND* Corey Feldman! Come on! That's the dream team! 4 stars
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  16-Aug-1996 (R)
  DVD: 07-Sep-2004



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