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Overall Rating

Awesome: 1.33%
Worth A Look: 6.67%
Average: 2.67%
Pretty Bad: 5.33%
Total Crap84%

4 reviews, 51 user ratings

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Swept Away
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by EricDSnider

"It's a shame what a bad woman can do to a good man."
1 stars

Guy Ritchie showed such promise with "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" and "Snatch," with an exciting visual style and wicked sense of humor. At some point in all that, he married Madonna, whose own sense of glamour and originality waned with the 1980s and who has clung tenaciously to our collective consciousness like a frequently made-over barnacle.

Perhaps Ritchie's marriage to the Material Girl is immaterial, but it seems like a good enough explanation for why "Swept Away," his latest film, sucks so bad. Madonna stars in it, and if she has ever acted with any believability or depth, it must have occurred at a time when cameras were not rolling. She plays Amber Leighton, an Uber-rich Uber-bitch taking a yacht tour in the neighborhood of Greece and Italy with her long-suffering husband Anthony (Bruce Greenwood) and two other couples.

While onboard, Amber abuses the hired help with great ferocity, in particular a hapless fellow named Giuseppe "Peppe" Esposito (Adriano Giannini, whose father played the role in the 1974 film this is a remake of). Then Amber and Peppe wind up on a desert island together, where his survival skills make him the master and her the servant, which leads to a good deal of unsettling sado-masochism, which eventually melts into what the movie would have us believe is love but which is really an outrageous plot device that would be laughable if it weren't so creepy.

Ritchie (who wrote the screenplay in addition to directing) manages what I would have thought was impossible. Here is Madonna, who I already don't like and who isn't winning any points with her flat, ridiculous performance. Her character is a complete jerk who deserves anything bad that should happen to her. And yet, when Peppe began abusing her on the island, I actually couldn't root for it. In theory, yes, bad characters deserve come-uppance. But in practice, you don't torture or strike women in a situation like this, no matter how awful they've been. Ritchie manages to make us dislike both main characters, which is a dubious achievement indeed.

Gone are Ritchie's style and wit. Gone is the mischievous sense of fun that pervaded his other films. Here instead are drudgery and inanity. It is too tempting to say "Swept Away" is a shipwreck, so we will leave that to the reader, who surely has already made the comparison.

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originally posted: 10/25/02 07:29:34
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User Comments

11/05/15 David Hollingsworth Not even good enough for a Razzie. 1 stars
2/20/15 Chris Jarmick Stick with original version. This one is dreadful. 1 stars
1/02/12 Linda Apart from beautiful scenery. Tippahorn should of played the lead. Adriano bored me as wel 2 stars
12/18/09 Jeff Wilder Madonna in a Guy Ritchie film. The result could only be a total disaster. And it was. 1 stars
1/21/09 FranSanSamba did not know they could make movies that bad, even if they should trye, and they didnt? 1 stars
1/06/09 FrankNFurter Madonna is worse than Keanu Reeves.That's right...this movie is that bad--not hyperbole! 1 stars
12/17/06 Denise If only this movie would have been filmed during a Tsunami! 1 stars
12/12/04 Robbo This movie sucked an incredible amount of ass... 1 stars
10/03/04 Daveman Pah, what's the point? It looks like I'm only preaching to the converted. 1 stars
8/14/04 Randal King Not enough plot... 3 stars
8/07/04 ELI I wanted a shark to come out of the ocean and eat Madonna 1 stars
7/25/04 Scott Street I love this movie. I mean know one should win an Oscar 4 stars
5/25/04 Ray It is so bad that it scared me!!! 1 stars
5/02/04 Michelle I think I might actually be the only one who liked it. Adriano is talented and sexy too... 4 stars
4/07/04 M big maddy fan, y she get hit so much?? not the best movie but hey its go madonna in it!! 4 stars
2/25/04 Charles Tatum A bad idea to begin with, constant screaming was bad enough 1 stars
12/24/03 Boris the Bullet-Dodger Jill, you ignorant slut. This movie almost sucked as much balls as you do. 1 stars
7/29/03 Asshat Dear God, please make her stop! Wasn't "Shanghai Surprise" punishment enough? 1 stars
7/02/03 James Stephens Script? WHAT script? She's at her best when she's quiet. 2 stars
6/01/03 Rob Hegarty Madonna was good. Guy shouldn't have messed with the script. Don't pan it w/o seeing it. 4 stars
5/27/03 mr. Pink One of the worst movies of 2002, but it is beautifully shot. and Madonna gets slapped a lot 3 stars
5/13/03 Mr. Hat (I'm Back, Mo'fos!!!) Really underrated. It's a Guy Ritchie movie! C'mon! & Madonna's still kinda hot! 4 stars
4/04/03 Jack Bourbon Since I will never see it, I'll just go on and give Madonna's "artistic work" a "Sucks." 1 stars
3/20/03 John Smith 5 stars
3/12/03 God Yep, the movie I've ever seen, and the worst movie ever made, PERIOD 1 stars
3/01/03 snowconehead It's movies like this that really deserves the "Sucks All Ass" rating. 1 stars
2/25/03 Croweater Destined for the DVD/VHS bargain bin at K-Mart near you real soon! 1 stars
2/14/03 Andrew Carden Good Direction, but A Contrived and Overdone Remake. 2 stars
2/07/03 Daniel Painful, unbearable 1 stars
12/27/02 alien assassin Madonna is the most overrated performer since Grace Jones !!!! 1 stars
12/13/02 realitychick Anyone who supports Madonna should get Bitchslapped!! 1 stars
11/25/02 Bob Gerring Pay Modanna to stop. 1 stars
11/20/02 She's Not Even That Good Looking Appalling; I wanted to beat her too. 1 stars
11/11/02 Chiendog A feel-good movie, like a kick in the nuts. What the fuck was Wertmuller thinking? 1 stars
11/10/02 sarcaustic madonna should be desperately seeking another profession before it's 'whos that girl'? 1 stars
11/10/02 Vicious Toy/Electric Crotch This film is laughingly bad. Madonna' stiff, the story's ridiculous. Good to poke fun at. 2 stars
11/07/02 Lady who hates romantic comedies 3 words: MADONNA CAN'T ACT 1 stars
10/30/02 Uncle Salty Actually so bad it could only be worse if it caused cancer. Madonna once hot, is now a hag. 1 stars
10/26/02 Becky This movie sucks more than a three dollar whore on a four dollar cock. 1 stars
10/23/02 Uncle Salty How about you pay me the 9 bucks for the movie, I punch you in the face, & we call it even. 1 stars
10/22/02 Miggy Awful remake...horrible direction, writing... 1 stars
10/20/02 KCobain Nothing redeemable about this trash. 1 stars
10/19/02 Dawn Davenport What a total piece of unwanted trash this was. Swept Away? More like washed up! Ugly rag! 1 stars
10/16/02 judy OH...MY..GOD...WHAT AN EMBARASSMENT 1 stars
10/14/02 Angry Black Man Hey UK! You can keep the bitch!!! 1 stars
10/13/02 Chancey Sugarpants Madonna's such a talentless actress she must've been blowing the director... oh, wait.... 1 stars
10/12/02 Jake I didn't think things could get worse than Next Best Thing. She topped herself! 1 stars
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  11-Oct-2002 (R)
  DVD: 11-Feb-2003



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