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Overall Rating

Awesome: 1.33%
Worth A Look: 6.67%
Average: 2.67%
Pretty Bad: 5.33%
Total Crap84%

4 reviews, 51 user ratings

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Swept Away
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by Erik Childress

"Too Ugly To Even Be Laughably Bad"
1 stars

Measuring films in terms of their own badness is an oft-going debate amongst film lovers. Some films are pure, unfiltered crap. Others argue that films with higher aspirations that fail are worse than the Sorority Boys and Swimfans of the multiplexes. I’ll always subscribe to the theory that crap is crap no matter what the price. Guy Ritchie’s remake of Lina Wertmuller’s 1974 Swept Away festers in just such a dungpile that you’d swear you were watching monkeys flinging their feces at you.

Monkeys is indeed what you’ll be witnessing too as Swept Away zips us way back into a sexual political zone that hasn’t existed since the South first discovered women. Madonna plays rich bitch (a stretch?) Amber Leighton to Adriano Giannini’s scruffy servant fisherman, Giuesppe Esposito. She’s on vacation with her pharmaceutical king husband (Bruce Greenwood) and a not-so-eclectic group of bored, drunk, rich idiots ripped from the pages of Syd Field’s chapter on how to make people with money dispicable. Giuesppe is the frequent target of Amber’s insults (she calls him “Pee Pee” instead of Peppe – oh, the hilarity!) and he lets his boat rage flow in the kitchen amongst the crew. Giuesppe gets so infuriated with the materialistic girl that he dumps fish over her head and throws her ass…oh, but that’s only a dream; a poor man’s fantasy to tell her what we really think of her music. But the nightmare continues.

Amber & Giuesppe try to catch up to the rest of the sousses and wind up stranded on a deserted island where power is about to switch hands. Particularly the one that continually smacks Madonna if she doesn’t respond to the Master’s wishes. Hey, the bitch deserved it, right, so I’m gonna tell ya what? At the screening I was at, people actually applauded her getting the upper backhand. I wondered why people didn’t put their hands together for Jennifer Lopez catching a beating in Enough. If we could only get Sony to greenlight Mariah Carey getting bitchslapped by Suge Knight, we’d have one helluva family DVD 3-pack for Christmas.

If you breakdown Swept Away like a car ride on its destination to a pile-up site with a dynamite truck, you could count 30 minutes of rich vs. poor sitcom material, 20 minutes of misogyny and rape, 20 minutes of falling in love and 20 minutes of weepy wanting. Think Indecent Proposal, the dyslexic version (now complete with shouting after a rising helicopter) and you’ve got some assembly required that will never put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

That egghead on a brick wall is precisely the persona Madonna wants to emit in this film too. Her thespian outline for Swept Away consists of frowning, crying, smiling and more crying. (When she says “Tell me what to do,” a guy behind me yelled “Take acting lessons!”) Then she actually has the gall to try and pull off the scene where she asks Giuesppe if she could possibly compare to all these 18-year olds back on the mainland. YOU ARE MADONNA!!! YOU LOOK LIKE MADONNA!!! THAT BODY & THOSE BREASTS I SEE ON SCREEN BELONG TO MADONNA!!! How can you possibly sit there with a straight face (and I’m including the screenwriter, director, her agent and every member of the crew) and insult a nation of women like that? Probably figured after seeing the rest of the film, this is hardly their biggest problem.

Kind of like their deserted island. Tom Hanks struggled more with noises in Cast Away than these jackasses do. They’ve got a coke bottle from The Gods Must Be Crazy that’s always filled with perfect water from a running rock drip, an endless supply of lobster and octopi and enough equipment leftover from Ike & Tina Turner’s visit to Gilligan Isle to actually make a crossbow. They have it so good that they actually consider living there forever. Are you shittin’ me with this shit? When Top Secret parodied The Blue Lagoon, it couldn’t rise to this level of absurdity.

Many critics praised the original film while the feminists lashed out and probably with good reason. I’ve yet to see it but the word is that the modern version of Don Juan De Marxist has been toned down. You can take the battle of the sexes to the breaking point, but then don’t expect us to swallow teary phone conversations and instantaneous romance. We’re actually put in a position to loathe Bruce Greenwood, the only decent character in the movie because common sense be damned – he actually wants to preserve his marriage. Oh, the insanity! Variations on this story have been played out in Nicholas Roeg’s 1987 sandy cock-n-tits opus Castaway (one word) and more pleasantly the same year with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell in Overboard, only without the island and Kurt never socked Goldie. In Swept Away, Amber actually ponders introspectively after the psuedo-rape before making love to Giuesppe. There you go, a nice message for the girls. Think before you willingly give it up to the man who rapes you.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have actually argued on the interview circuit about whose idea it was to remake this. Ritchie claims it was his and Miss Erotica says it was suggested to them by actor Steven Weber (I assume it was a joke.) How long will it take for them to disown their ownership of the idea not to mention each other after the stench of these reviews hit the street? Maybe we can dump them on a deserted island. I certainly won’t miss the auteur of Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and its remake, Snatch (c’mon, you know it’s the same film.) Yes, dump these two on an island, let ‘em beat each other to a pulp. Call it Survivor: CareerSnatch.

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originally posted: 10/11/02 17:08:47
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User Comments

11/05/15 David Hollingsworth Not even good enough for a Razzie. 1 stars
2/20/15 Chris Jarmick Stick with original version. This one is dreadful. 1 stars
1/02/12 Linda Apart from beautiful scenery. Tippahorn should of played the lead. Adriano bored me as wel 2 stars
12/18/09 Jeff Wilder Madonna in a Guy Ritchie film. The result could only be a total disaster. And it was. 1 stars
1/21/09 FranSanSamba did not know they could make movies that bad, even if they should trye, and they didnt? 1 stars
1/06/09 FrankNFurter Madonna is worse than Keanu Reeves.That's right...this movie is that bad--not hyperbole! 1 stars
12/17/06 Denise If only this movie would have been filmed during a Tsunami! 1 stars
12/12/04 Robbo This movie sucked an incredible amount of ass... 1 stars
10/03/04 Daveman Pah, what's the point? It looks like I'm only preaching to the converted. 1 stars
8/14/04 Randal King Not enough plot... 3 stars
8/07/04 ELI I wanted a shark to come out of the ocean and eat Madonna 1 stars
7/25/04 Scott Street I love this movie. I mean know one should win an Oscar 4 stars
5/25/04 Ray It is so bad that it scared me!!! 1 stars
5/02/04 Michelle I think I might actually be the only one who liked it. Adriano is talented and sexy too... 4 stars
4/07/04 M big maddy fan, y she get hit so much?? not the best movie but hey its go madonna in it!! 4 stars
2/25/04 Charles Tatum A bad idea to begin with, constant screaming was bad enough 1 stars
12/24/03 Boris the Bullet-Dodger Jill, you ignorant slut. This movie almost sucked as much balls as you do. 1 stars
7/29/03 Asshat Dear God, please make her stop! Wasn't "Shanghai Surprise" punishment enough? 1 stars
7/02/03 James Stephens Script? WHAT script? She's at her best when she's quiet. 2 stars
6/01/03 Rob Hegarty Madonna was good. Guy shouldn't have messed with the script. Don't pan it w/o seeing it. 4 stars
5/27/03 mr. Pink One of the worst movies of 2002, but it is beautifully shot. and Madonna gets slapped a lot 3 stars
5/13/03 Mr. Hat (I'm Back, Mo'fos!!!) Really underrated. It's a Guy Ritchie movie! C'mon! & Madonna's still kinda hot! 4 stars
4/04/03 Jack Bourbon Since I will never see it, I'll just go on and give Madonna's "artistic work" a "Sucks." 1 stars
3/20/03 John Smith 5 stars
3/12/03 God Yep, the movie I've ever seen, and the worst movie ever made, PERIOD 1 stars
3/01/03 snowconehead It's movies like this that really deserves the "Sucks All Ass" rating. 1 stars
2/25/03 Croweater Destined for the DVD/VHS bargain bin at K-Mart near you real soon! 1 stars
2/14/03 Andrew Carden Good Direction, but A Contrived and Overdone Remake. 2 stars
2/07/03 Daniel Painful, unbearable 1 stars
12/27/02 alien assassin Madonna is the most overrated performer since Grace Jones !!!! 1 stars
12/13/02 realitychick Anyone who supports Madonna should get Bitchslapped!! 1 stars
11/25/02 Bob Gerring Pay Modanna to stop. 1 stars
11/20/02 She's Not Even That Good Looking Appalling; I wanted to beat her too. 1 stars
11/11/02 Chiendog A feel-good movie, like a kick in the nuts. What the fuck was Wertmuller thinking? 1 stars
11/10/02 sarcaustic madonna should be desperately seeking another profession before it's 'whos that girl'? 1 stars
11/10/02 Vicious Toy/Electric Crotch This film is laughingly bad. Madonna' stiff, the story's ridiculous. Good to poke fun at. 2 stars
11/07/02 Lady who hates romantic comedies 3 words: MADONNA CAN'T ACT 1 stars
10/30/02 Uncle Salty Actually so bad it could only be worse if it caused cancer. Madonna once hot, is now a hag. 1 stars
10/26/02 Becky This movie sucks more than a three dollar whore on a four dollar cock. 1 stars
10/23/02 Uncle Salty How about you pay me the 9 bucks for the movie, I punch you in the face, & we call it even. 1 stars
10/22/02 Miggy Awful remake...horrible direction, writing... 1 stars
10/20/02 KCobain Nothing redeemable about this trash. 1 stars
10/19/02 Dawn Davenport What a total piece of unwanted trash this was. Swept Away? More like washed up! Ugly rag! 1 stars
10/16/02 judy OH...MY..GOD...WHAT AN EMBARASSMENT 1 stars
10/14/02 Angry Black Man Hey UK! You can keep the bitch!!! 1 stars
10/13/02 Chancey Sugarpants Madonna's such a talentless actress she must've been blowing the director... oh, wait.... 1 stars
10/12/02 Jake I didn't think things could get worse than Next Best Thing. She topped herself! 1 stars
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  11-Oct-2002 (R)
  DVD: 11-Feb-2003



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