Reviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 10/26/02 04:32:38

"This is rated R? You're kidding me, right?"
1 stars (Total Crap)

You’ve no doubt all seen them before – those late night soft-core sex romps that show around 3am and have a cast full of buff bods that screw anything that moves and engage in a ridiculous storyline that seems to serve no purpose other than convincing the female cast members that this isn’t just a tit-flick. Vipers (AKA Dark Passions) is a rarity in this genre, in that the story is really not even an issue, allowing the camera to zoom in on nothing more than the cast members having repeated sex. No, no, even more repeated sex than you’d usually find in one of these Cinemax-style flicks – I’m talking LOTS of sex. Sex in bucketloads. Sex that starts as soon as the previous load of sex ended. Sex sex sex sex sex.

Which leaves getting a review that stretches anymore than two paragraphs as a difficult task, so I guess we should look at what storyline Vipers actually has – that ought to fill some space, eh?

So a rich bitch named Sela (Michelle von Flotlow) lives in a big mansion with a philandering husband (as all women in these films do). She’s an ornery old tart, which is probably not helped by those around her who continually mispronounce her name as either Sheila or Sayla – anything but Sela. Continuity errors that basic can only happen in soft-core straight to video ‘erotic thrillers’…

So Sela has advertised that she wishes to hire a caretaker. Along comes Simon (Morgan Daniel), a former-martial artist looking for a job, who naturally stumbles across Sela’s husband (Burke Morgan) and the maid (Taimie Hannum) screwing on the front lawn. In the open. While Sela is home. “You won’t tell, will you?” asks hubby. Uh, well if you don’t want to get found out you might like to GET A FREAKING ROOM, you moron!

So next thing you know, Sela is boffing Simon in every room of the house, and the buxom daughter (Shayna Ryan) is home from school and boffing some random dude in the guest house. And then the husband gives the maid another seeing to in the shower, then the wife gives Simon another seven or eight seeings-to, then the daughter, wife and maid enter one of Simon’s dreams and perform a four-way… (pause for breath)

Oh wait, we were talking storyline… The wife wants the husband ‘taken care of’, but Simon won’t do anything illegal, then the husband catches him screwing his wife (there’s a surprise) and things get messy. Of course, all this storyline happens within three minutes – the three minutes where nobody is having sex with anyone – and martial artist Simon has all the athletic fighting skills of my grandmother with a full colostomy bag strapped to her knee.

All in all, at least Vipers doesn’t make any bones about what it is, and if all you’re after is a late night shag-vid that doesn’t bother with anything remotely close to acting or story, you’ve found one. And then some.

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