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Overall Rating

Awesome: 12.5%
Worth A Look: 0%
Average: 0%
Pretty Bad: 12.5%
Total Crap75%

1 review, 2 user ratings

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Prelude to Love
[] Buy posters from this movie
by Chris Parry

"Shockingly bad."
1 stars

So here’s a movie with a title that has absolutely nothing to do with the actual movie. Prelude to Love? What on earth does that have to do with a story about a modeling agency that is being harassed by a competitor who has convinced the agency’s top model to steal information for him? There’s no prelude there. There’s no love there. There’s some screwing, some really bad acting, some horrific writing and the kind of production design and cinematography that you’d see on an amateur wedding video. But there’s no prelude, no love, and quite honestly not much point in even watching.

In case you hadn’t worked it out yet, this is another of the proud, the many, the Cinemax softcore cable specials that feature only enough story to be considered a movie, and not enough nudity to be considered porn. Why do we review them? Because you might actually pay to see them, and we can’t have that… at least not without you being forewarned.

Lanie (Ashley Rhey) and Eric (John Hillard) run a modeling agency. I seem to recall they were in some way related, by marriage or some thing, but remembering such details of a movie like this is sort of like writing down the license plate of the bus that’s about to mow you down – there’s more pressing matters at hand.

An evil competitor (we know he’s evil, because he has an employee who ends each sentence with the word ‘boss’ – “no problem, boss… sure, boss… I’m on it, boss”) wants to buy up the agency for next to nothing, but first he has to convince the owners to sell. Thus he recruits Jennifer (Tamara Landry), their top model, to snoop around after hours and find things to pass on to evil boy.

Evil guy then calls up all the models and reschedules them so they miss their shoots next day. Ooooh! Evil! Then he calls all the agency’s clients and starts asking them to switch to him… Oh my God, the man is as evil as Hecubus from Kids in the Hall.

Realizing that their agency is being hoodwinked (a word like hoodwink seems appropriate in a movie like this), Lanie and Eric stay back late one night and wait for the place to be broken into again because, well, they might break in again. The day after the first break-in. The very next day. When the place is likely alarmed, he locks have been changed and the cops have been notified.

Yet, wouldn’t you know it! There is another break-in! And the burglar takes off her mask to reveal who she is, so she… uh… can read a piece of paper. It’s true, a model really can’t wear a mask and read at the same time. Too hard, don’t you know.

So rather than bust the model while she’s breaking in, they turn to each other, mouth things like, “oh my God!” and then just let her walk out. Because, maybe she’d beat them up if they tried to stop her… or something. I dunno, I don’t write this shit.

While all this is happening, a new model called Carrie (Doria Rone) meets the love of her life at a café and blows it, thus causing her to be depressed for about five minutes. In actuality, she is approached by a large guy with the worst mullet you’ve ever seen in your life, who says, “Wow, you’re a model? I bet you’d never date a guy without lots of money…” She then tells him that she might, but right now she’s sleeping with her boss in case it helps her career. At this point, most guys would call the chick a slut and storm off. Not mullethead. He instead nods understandingly and bids her fond farewell… then spends the next week coming back to the café in case he meets her again and she’s finished screwing the boss. She, in turn, spends the night obsessing about this ‘great guy’ she let walk away who might have been the one. Then of course she screws her boss again.

So cutting to the chase now, this movie is a steaming pile of excrement. It’s dung. It’s unholy poopy of the highest order. I have honestly never seen acting this bad, even in softcore cable flicks. It’s as bad as bad can be. I think if you asked a really good actor, or even a mediocre one, and asked them to act intentionally badly, they couldn’t act as badly as these folks act when they’re trying their hardest. It’s depressing stuff. It’s honestly excruciating. No, really, it’s bad.

I’d go so far as to suggest that director Ralph Portillo shouldn’t direct again, but he’s not only directed a lot since, he’s also moved towards mainstream, with such ‘family fare’ as the Mario Lopez kids movie, Big Brother Trouble and the $1m Daniel Baldwin/Angie Everhart yawner Bare Witness. Which just goes to show that anyone can make it in showbiz, even cheapo porno directors.

And Prelude to Love is most definitely cheapo porno of the softcore kind. Sure, there’s plenty of flesh to keep you entertained, but the rest of the flick is so mind-bogglingly awful that it’ll be a sex-starved man that can make it to the end.

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originally posted: 11/02/02 12:52:07
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User Comments

6/01/04 dapo the writers focus wasn't story but sex 2 stars
11/22/02 selim good 5 stars
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  02-Feb-1995 (R)


  02-Feb-1995 (MA)

Directed by
  Ralph Portillo

Written by
  Jalee Bailey

  Ashlie Rhey
  Tamara Landry
  John Hillard
  Doria Rone
  Dan Frank
  Lynn Wolff

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