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Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens
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by Chris Parry

"It's terrible, but you have to watch it. I order you to."
4 stars

Okay, I don’t even know what to make of this flick. As much as I love Russ Meyer and all he did for late night masturbation sessions, this movie makes little sense, features sex scenes that almost overlap from one to the next, actors that stink and a set of cheekbones that surely wouldn’t fit through a revolving door. It’s also a whole lot of fun to watch and I imagine it was fun to make.

Written by Roger Ebert (under the pseudonym R. Hyde), Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens is a sex farce/satire/comedy/porno flick with homages to Our Town and jibes at the Catholic church thrown in. There has to be more boob flesh per square foot of celluloid in this film than any other film of all time. You could film a boob named Booby McBoob drowning in a sea of boobs and you’d struggle to get more boob on the screen than King Leer does right here. It’s almost frightening.

Lamar (Ken Kerr) is a boob. A hillbilly boob that works in a junkyard owned by Junkyard Sal (Jane Mack), a black woman with boobs that are only beaten in size by her outrageously mutant cheekbones. She has two other boobs working for her and they frequently battle with the Lamar boob because he gets to screw Junkyard Sal between wrecking cars and lifting things.

Meanwhile, back home, Lama is having trouble with his girlfriend (Kitten Natividad). See, she likes having sex, but not in the way Lamar likes to deliver it (the back door). She too has humungous boobs and shows them frequently as she’s being uber-rogered by her man.

So she decides that maybe Lamar needs a change of scenery and opts to dress up as a Mexican girl (not a stretch, since she’s Mexican and her costume consists of a wig), seduce Lamar and give him what for. Only it doesn’t work, so she drags him off to the dentist, who happens to be gay and most interested in Lamar’s butt fetish. To the point where Lamar ends up locked in a closet while the dentist bashes away at it with a sledgehammer and meows like a pussycat.

Like I said, none of this makes any sense. But it is funny. And there is much nakedness. And as bad as the actors are, there’s little doubt they’re having a blast doing what they’re doing. Even the sex scenes are as animated as you are ever likely to see. I honestly don’t think I could nail a woman they way these women get nailed and that’s a tough admission for an alpha male to make.

Sometimes a bad actor in a bad movie can find a cult following and turn that notoriety into a long career. Not this crowd… Ken Kerr didn’t do another movie for five years, then he appeared in something called Thundering Ninja and was never heard from again. Jane Mack appeared in this film and then promptly disappeared. Kitten Natividad, though having appeared in many films, has never yet managed to be in one that didn’t depend on her flailing her ridiculously large sized boobs around like giant orbs of death. In fact, it’s a good bet that Russ Meyer has been responsible for more plumbers, waitresses and insurance salesmen being able to boast “I was in a movie once” than any other director.

And why not? When all you need is for someone to say some bad lines, do a double take, then strip naked and pretend they’re having sex, why would you obsess over the minor details? Meyer knew his audience – frustrated teen males – and he fashioned movies to suit that market. None of his colleagues had the balls to do it, even when Meyer movies were making a fortune, because none were prepared to go where Meyer spent his career.

But it wasn’t a death sentence by any means. Ebert climbed out of the Meyer scriptwriting stigma and became perhaps the most widely know, if not important, film critic on the planet.

Though Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens is far from quality filmmaking (It’s pretty far from quality anything, to be honest) it’s a slice of American cinema that, like it or not, is important. If you consider yourself to be a film freak, this movie, like Pink Flamingoes before it, is a film that you have to see just so you know where cinema has been, and how far it can go.

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originally posted: 11/29/02 12:20:16
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User Comments

8/26/09 Josie Cotton is a goddess Very funny; a must see. "Sex is just a pain in the ass!" ha, ha! 4 stars
12/17/06 martin fennell enjoyed it 4 stars
6/05/05 Dean Walker Russ Meyer was the last truly great auteur that ever lived. 5 stars
6/07/03 H. Frost Funny and Clever; Watchable Non-Hardcore By Adults 4 stars
4/05/03 Hugh Jass Porn for lunatics. I love this insane, filthy flick !! 5 stars
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  02-Feb-1979 (NC-17)


  02-Feb-1979 (R)

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