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Overall Rating
1.6

Awesome: 10%
Worth A Look: 0%
Average: 5%
Pretty Bad: 10%
Total Crap75%

1 review, 14 user ratings


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Lovers' Lovers
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by Chris Parry

"If your name is Serge Rodnunsky, perhaps you shouldn't read this."
1 stars

Some people get into moviemaking because they want to make big budget explosion-filled blockbusters. Others want to make artier fare, filling 54-seat independent cinemas full of people that wear black turtlenecks and talking about how they don’t know why they bother. Then there’s Serge Rodnunsky. Serge’s goal in life seems to be to make movies with bad scripts, small audience, terrible actors and no recognition – nothing matters but coming in under budget. Sure, the guy is prolific (he wrote, directed and/or produced seven features in 2000 alone), but he’s also a terrible hack.

Sorry Serge, if you’re reading this, but you’re not a very talented filmmaker. Nor are you a talented writer. In fact, as an editor you leave a lot to be desired and as an actor, let’s just say that’s a box better left unopened. Serge was the man who gave us the John Ritter action classic Tripfall, as well as the Stephen Baldwin/Brian Dennehy epoch-making event, Silicon Towers. If that in itself doesn’t make you want the guy’s autograph, he wrote and directed the Rowdy Roddy Piper/Tawny Kitaen landmark Dead Tides!

Now sure, every director can have a bad stretch in their career from time to time, and even John Carpenter used Roddy Piper as a lead… once. Serge Rodnunsky used him too… only he used him TWICE.

So Lovers’ Lovers is one of Serge’s earlier works, which doesn’t mean it’s edgier or grittier or artier than the later stuff. No, what it means is he couldn’t afford Corey Feldman yet, so he decided to cast himself as the romantic lead. That might have worked if Serge had any acting ability whatsoever, or if he even looked the part. But sadly, Serge is about as good-looking as Gilbert Gottfried and every bit as annoying. He has this seriously fake laugh that he uses at least two dozen times in the first ten minutes of this film and every time he does it, you feel like someone’s running fingernails down a chalkboard. “Huh. Huh. Huh. Huuuuh…” Make him stop!

So enough of the personal stuff, let’s talk about Serge’s movie. Lovers’ Lovers is awful. It’s seriously awful. It’s as awful as someone secretly emptying a colostomy bag on your corn flakes.

Serge directed it. Serge wrote it. Serge starred in it. Serge edited it. Serge had his brother Albert finance it. Serge had his other brother James wield the camera. Serge had his other brother Pierre compose the music. None but Serge has ever worked in a feature film since. I approve of this.

So Serge is a doofus who meets a weird woman (Jennifer Ciesar) at a party. She’s sitting on the floor in front of the fridge eating chicken. I’m not sure which is supposed to be weird, that she’s eating chicken or sitting on the floor, but either way we’re supposed to register that she’s WACKY! So she offers sex to Serge, because with his Michael Bolton hair, Bronson Pinchot nose and Billy Crystal body he’s clearly very attractive to members of the opposite sex. They can’t resist him, as is evidenced when he gets home next day and we meet his girlfriend (Cindy Parker).

Quite simply one of the hottest women ever shown on film (if not the most talented), I’m sorry, I couldn’t go along with this mismatch of casting for a second. This woman (who stands in her underwear with a perfect body going through the whole “am I fat” routine) would not be seen dead with a Rodnunsky, yet this entire film is based around the fact that his girlfriend and Wacky Girl (who is also ridiculously hot) both want him. It’s like casting the kid that played ‘Paul’ on the Wonder Years opposite Famke Janssen in a remake of From Here to Eternity. No, sorry, it just doesn’t work.

But that’s been Serge’s M.O. over the years. He’ll cast some everyman goof as the male romantic lead and have him working opposite a knockout. Witness John Ritter and supermodel Rachel Hunter playing husband and wife in Tripfall if you’re looking for exhibit A. Roddy Piper and Tawny Kitaen would be Exhibit B. Brian Dennehy and Stephen Baldwin … let’s not go there.

So anyway, Serge’s girlfriend is cheating on him while he cheats on her with Wacky Girl, meanwhile the guy that Serge’s girlfriend is cheating with is Wacky Girl's ex. Eventually they all end up in the same bedroom, after many, many long lingering shower shots of Cindy Parker soaping herself up. While I enjoyed these shots immensely, they look like they were shot by my mother and edited by my father. The camera runs up a leg, stops at the hip, threatens to show some crotch but doesn’t, threatens to go up to a breast but doesn’t, and the shot just goes on forever, as if the editor is waiting for the camera-person to get to the good bits.

The real crime of this film is that it stars Jennifer Ciesar in the female romantic lead. Not that I don’t like Ciesar’s work, in fact just the opposite, she’s the only one in this entire film that has any acting ability whatsoever. That’s the crime – that she appeared in this low-grade crap and effectively stymied a career that could conceivably have gone serious places. After Lovers’ Lovers, Ciesar appeared in next to nothing for several years.

The one other actor that had any potential out of this group was Ken Steadman, who gets maybe four lines at the beginning of the film and is never heard from again. Steadman kicked on to other things before dying in a car crash on the set of the TV show Sliders. That Lovers’ Lovers might be the work for which he’s remembered can make a guy feel pretty ill.

Tits, ass, pretentious dialogue, actors that disappeared from sight, producers, cinematographers and musicians who never worked again, terrible editing, terrible camerawork, more tits, more ass, and the one responsible for all this gets to enjoy a long career. There truly is no God.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=6411&reviewer=1
originally posted: 11/28/02 07:36:25
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User Comments

5/16/05 Brandon W. Gentry Chris Parry is about a jackass. nice comment maybe i can see some of your work? 5 stars
5/01/05 craig varney should be titled losers losers 2 stars
3/16/04 Paul Carone SERGE 1 stars
12/19/03 J Miller Jennifer Ciesar is one of the few appealing elements of this movie. 3 stars
6/23/03 Hottie bad bad bad 1 stars
5/28/03 Andrew Carden Cieser Is Good, but The Film Is Quite Awful. Goes On Too Long Also... 2 stars
5/20/03 Deadite I love it when Perry is on the warpath. 1 stars
5/19/03 I'm the REAL Serge Rodnunsky! Stop mocking me! Don't you think I KNOW my movies suck?? 1 stars
5/17/03 Serge Rodnunsky I am appalled by this review. I fucking hate you you homo Christ PLZ DIE NOW K TNKX 5 stars
5/16/03 Kaonashi Serge Rodnunsky should go suck a fuck. 1 stars
5/15/03 Gentile Mofo Holy moly, what a wankfest. I'm surprised Rodnunsky didn't make himself the female lead too 1 stars
1/04/03 Klute As poorly directed as any movie I've seen. Looked like a home movie. 1 stars
1/04/03 Elizabeth Ciesar Jennifer is so talented , this movie was revolting 1 stars
1/03/03 Jennifer Ciesar Your'e right...this film does seriously suck! 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  02-Feb-1994 (NR)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  02-Feb-1994 (MA)




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