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1

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Total Crap100%

1 review, 0 user ratings


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by Chris Parry

"Remarkably enough, I've actually seen a worse film than this one. Only one."
1 stars

Oh my God, where’s the quality control in softcore films these days? What, has Executive Producer Marc Greenberg been doing with his time, searching for talent at a Wendy’s Drive-Thru window? I don’t want to get into specifics here of who’s ugly and who’s not, since it’s not the fault of the ladies if they’re not up to standard, but holy shit on a stick, there are some women in this skin film that I wouldn’t even rate five beers on the IBSS (International Beer Sex Scale) – and anyone who knows me knows my standards aren’t tough.

I’m going to say it right now – Marc Greenberg, give me ten grand, a month and Gabriella Hall’s phone number and I’ll show you how to shoot a softcore flick that doesn’t stink like a floater just pulled out of the Hudson.

In all honesty, writer/producer/director Ellyn Michaels must have phoned this one in. She could have got a better result if she’d done the entire film in sock puppets. Mexican sock puppets. With no sub-titles. The prospect of watching this film a second time would come somewhere below ‘ contract ebola’, ‘pick peanuts out of poop’ and ‘spread the word of Christ to the people of Afghanistan’ on my list of things to do. I’ve seen less fat in the background of a Richard Simmons video. I’ve seen better breasts on my plumber, Earl. I’ve seen more realistic sex on after-school specials and ‘very special’ episodes of Family Matters. I’ve cracked more wood watching traffic lights change. I laughed more when my grandmother broke her hip.

Are you getting me? Are you hearing what I’m saying? Am I making myself clear?

So after the murder of a fashion designer, a model and her lover attempt to extort money from the widow. There’s your story. If it’s what you came for, you need to broaden your movie interests, because this is honestly just a really bad excuse for some really bad simulated sex. And any man will tell you, it’s rare to find sex and bad in the same sentence. Congratulations Marc Greenberg, you’ve done it again.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=6419&reviewer=1
originally posted: 12/02/02 06:40:11
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USA
  02-Feb-2000 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  02-Feb-2000 (MA)




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