Hardball (1997)

Reviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 12/02/02 07:18:28

"Surely there has to be someone amongst these three writers that can write."
1 stars (Total Crap)

I used to think of Michael Dudikoff as a tough guy. I used to think, though he wasn’t much of an actor, at least he was a bad mofo who could dish out the pain and feed your guts to the dogs. That was then. Bounty Hunter 2: Hardball is now – and now, my friends, is a very sad time for anyone with the surname Dudikoff.

In this sad excuse for action fare, Dudikoff is the world’s dumbest bounty hunter. No, seriously, he’s so dumb he could be a lead in Dumb and Dumber 2: Dumb as Buggery. This guy’s so dumb he’d call for a hit on 20. No, scratch that, he’d double down. He’s so dumb that retarded kids would pick on him. If he were any dumber, he’d require a helmet. If you played rock, paper, scissors with this guy, he’d come up with a shadow puppet of a rabbit. There are Innuit people in northernmost Canada who see sunlight for only two weeks of the year, have no schools and drink heavily – and they’re smarter than Michael Dudikoff is in this film.

I’m telling you, he’s dumb.

Thankfully, he has a partner that will save his dumb dumb dumb ass from whatever ridiculous trouble he gets into. This partner, played by Lisa Howard, is a female – a female that kicks much ass, can actually act and doesn’t require a minute of thinking music to call a coin toss.

So anyway, Dudikoff and partner accidentally foil a jewelry store heist, leading a crime boss (played by Tony Curtis of all people) to call for their deaths. When Dudikoff’s home is blown up by an assassin, he doesn’t freak out and get all distraught, he simply whines about it to an old buddy, then asks to borrow some cash. “They blew up all my stuuuuuff!”

So his partner won’t talk to him anymore because he’s an ass and his boss won’t give him any more cases because he’s an ass and the bad guys want him dead. Because he’s an ass.

What follows is not butt kicking action, but more like pebble kicking action. Or even pebble skipping action.

And ‘skipping the action’ is exactly what you should do if you find this playing on late night TV. Skip it. Bin it. Burn it. Ignore it.

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