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Overall Rating
2.95

Awesome: 21.77%
Worth A Look: 22.58%
Average: 9.68%
Pretty Bad: 20.97%
Total Crap25%

4 reviews, 100 user ratings


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Mars Attacks!
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by Chris Parry

"Flaming white hot death to anyone involved in this crappy film!"
1 stars

Rename this film "CAMEO'S FOR THE SAKE OF A DECENT POSTER!" and you'd be better prepared for the crap on offer.

There was a time when we all expected great things from Tim Burton. He was the man. The NKOTB. The pre-Tarantino Tarantino.
Eddy Scissorhands had been deemed a classic, spawning three X rated spoofs (Edward Penishands 1, 2 + 3) which is always a sign of success. Batman had rocked da house and sold a small GNP's worth of Michael Keaton lunchboxes (surreal thought when you look back at it) and Ed Wood had taken the 50's C grade sci-fi genre to new heights of popularity.

Then it all went wrong. Horribly wrong. Twisted like a Thalydamide baby.

Now, Burton competes with Joel Schumacher for the title of "Director who can make the punter eat the most shit without them working it out". Schumacher currently holds the title (thanks for Batman And Robin, cunt) but Burton held it previously after this steaming hunk'a'crud.

Mars Attacks tells the story of... well.. a bunch of people... and what happens to them when aliens attack and try to kill us all. I think it's supposed to be funny. I think it's supposed to be good.

<really low voice>
It is none of these things.
</low voice>

What Mars Attacks! is, is a film where any large/medium/small name actor in Hollywood who was doing nothing on a weekend could turn up and have a part on a film. No need to have any real involvement in the story, or decent lines, or any lines, just turn up, be famous and they'll put your name on the poster.

And so the fuckerheads turned up. De Vito. Sarah Jessica Parker. Pierce Brosnan. Michael J. Fox. Glenn Close. Annette Benning. Martin Short. Rod Steiger. Tom Jones. Lukas Haas. Natalie Portman. Pam Grier. Christina Applegate. Rebecca Brousard. Burton's girlfriend - Lisa Marie.

And Jack Nicholson. In fact, Jack went back to the end of the line and pretended to be someone else so he could get a second part, greedy bastard.

So what you have here is not so much a movie, but a copy of Entertainment Weekly, without the articles. It's a star-perve. Danny DeVito's character is *SO* pointless that I found it the funniest part of the film. He does nothing. He runs behind some other characters, says maybe three lines, dies, and his name is on the poster.

Can you say "cynical moviemaking", boys and girls?

The effects are crap. The series grew from a set of Topps Trading Cards and the film is about as worthless as those are these days.

I have nothing good to say about anyone involved with this film, except Lisa Marie... cos I met her.. and she's built.. and likes muscle cars.

If you really want to watch funny aliens, forget this shit. Go see Independence Day or something where at least they tried to look like they tried.

Tim Burton, apart from Schumacher, you're the suckiest knobhead director going. And this film is the major reason. That and your tendency to think Akiva Goldsman can write better than my mom.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=651&reviewer=1
originally posted: 08/28/98 14:45:44
[printer] printer-friendly format  

User Comments

3/25/18 morris campbell silly fun better than ID4 IMHO 4 stars
10/22/17 Ken There's nothing hilarious about this film at all. 1 stars
10/19/13 Rod Has its flaws but it's still a lot of fun! 4 stars
5/04/10 PAUL SHORTT FUN SCI-FI SATIRE 3 stars
8/28/09 Kong's hairy oxters How can one take this seriously when the author can't even spell the plural of "cameo"? 5 stars
8/22/09 Jeff Wilder Funny to watch ONE time. But doesn't hold up to repeated viewings. 3 stars
8/12/08 Shaun Wallner Funny Flick!! 5 stars
3/27/08 kera The Martian Leader and the troopers were the best!!! 5 stars
10/24/07 Ivana Mann Making references to '50's sci-fi does not=creativity.Tim Burton needs some original ideas. 1 stars
5/17/07 Dave I think I'll stick with Independance Day 1 stars
2/16/07 Vip Ebriega Lazer-blast, non-stop laughs all the way. 4 stars
1/28/07 mets1986 One of Burton's best... 5 stars
8/10/06 Dragon The Artist Reshoot in black&white, perhaps it would have worked.Strictly a cult classic wannabe 1 stars
8/02/06 dan simply lol 5 stars
6/22/06 TB It was the funniest movie 5 stars
6/11/06 Dave Webber Great retro fun!!! 5 stars
2/03/06 Anthony Feor It gets 2 stars because Peirce is in it 2 stars
12/22/05 cody a cheesy 5o's flick, with poor acting, silly plot, but corny fun! 2 stars
8/14/05 sbpat21 underrated, Tim Burton does it again! 4 stars
8/13/05 ES This was a film made in the style of old badly made 50's movie ith updated effects= great 4 stars
8/06/05 Zack Hilarious, brilliant film! 5 stars
6/14/05 Indrid Cold Tim, if you spent $ on the writing instead of just the FX, this might have been good. 2 stars
2/06/05 Jeff Anderson Tim Burton's passionate & elaborate ode to 50's sci-fi. Danny Elfman's score is AWESOME!!!! 5 stars
12/10/04 Kristina Williams it's a SATIRE, people 5 stars
11/19/04 screb so lame but there at least one bellylaugh 2 stars
10/26/04 John afger 5 minutes the movie is already in deep trouble and it just gets worse 1 stars
9/25/04 Lord Durvok 2 K-Dog is a loud-mouth simpleton. This was still a fun little movie, though. 4 stars
9/03/04 T.B. Funny Martians and Silly Cast 4 stars
8/20/04 DM Simply not funny 1 stars
8/06/04 Anthony G Horse shit 1 stars
6/02/04 Sean Scanlan Worst movie 1 stars
5/09/04 Sean Scanlan Ugly, and dumb 1 stars
4/23/04 Gray could have been better 3 stars
4/08/04 polX Very funny. It is supposed to look the way it does. 5 stars
2/11/04 Jingo P. A MASSIVELY missed opportunity, but it could be worse.... 3 stars
2/10/04 Whatevr If only there was a rating that was worse than 1... 1 stars
1/16/04 Ubu the Ripper Only worth watching for brief glimpses of lovely Natalie Portman. Other than that, it blows 1 stars
9/23/03 Alan Have you people no sense of humor. As with any Tim Burton film, it is just plain fun. 4 stars
9/01/03 francis not funny, not scary, not exciting, not anything 2 stars
8/15/03 Okeanos Pointless 2 stars
6/08/03 earl hoffert very very flawed but still funnier than anything anyone else makes 4 stars
5/12/03 Jack Bourbon It's a spoof of disaster flicks, primarily "Ind. Day," you ignoramuses. AWESOME. 5 stars
5/08/03 Shadaan Felfeli The big names do soften the blow. 3 stars
4/15/03 The Big See Just like "Independence Day", only WORSE! And that is really something! 1 stars
3/22/03 Jack Sommersby Atrocious and simply unbearable to sit through. 1 stars
1/31/03 ryan andrews this movie sucks my ass hole you bitches 1 stars
1/09/03 R.W. Welch Goofy. 2 stars
11/20/02 meatpopsicle classic stupid comedy 5 stars
10/16/02 Charles Tatum The cast should sell their Oscars and pay the audience back 1 stars
10/08/02 Kitfo brilliant pastiche of 50s sci-fi, marred only by Jack Nicholson 4 stars
8/29/02 dada I laughed. Quite a lot. 5 stars
6/06/02 Melissa in NYC Uber-funny! 5 stars
4/24/02 Danielle Ophelia It's Burton and therefore gorgeous and fascinating, but ultimately pointless. 3 stars
2/26/02 Butterbean I understand that this movie was going for 50's camp, but it just didn't work out. 2 stars
12/01/01 Scottish Kilt The worst and wierdest movie of our time, wasnt even funny. 1 stars
9/09/01 hilary Total Crap 1 stars
9/06/01 Gary Really needed a sharper script. A great cast with not enough to do. Too many characters. 2 stars
8/09/01 E-Funk I think I get what Burton was going for...but it still wasn't very enjoyable. A let-down. 2 stars
8/03/01 KC Au So-so. Best line "I'll tell you one thing : they ain't gettin' the TV!!" 3 stars
8/03/01 the scarecrow I love Tim Burton but this was not his best movie. 3 stars
7/28/01 Steve Repetative, predictable, what a waste of a cast! Couple laughs, but pretty lame. 2 stars
7/15/01 officer 412/l why dont more people like this movie i love it. most people never got it 5 stars
7/01/01 Rampage boring and pathetic 1 stars
5/21/01 Ray McCoy Burton's worst film, uggh 2 stars
5/18/01 Bada Bing Crosby Tim Burton's '1941'; nice to see the legendary Tom Jones in a movie , though 1 stars
4/09/01 Gary This is the dumbest movie since Mars Attacks! lol 1 stars
4/05/01 Hawkeye Would have been great, if only it had a plot. 2 stars
2/26/01 The Bomb 69 good campy stuff, some of it over the top but I believe that was intended 4 stars
1/30/01 Tami Middleton I was actually embarrassed walking out of the theater. What a waste of money! 1 stars
12/27/00 Turtle How did they get a bunch of super stars into a super crap film? 2 stars
11/29/00 The Evil Penguin One of Burton's worst films. Sorry. 3 stars
11/27/00 Tim Burton I admit it, it's my worst movie to date. 2 stars
9/12/00 Jed Has its potential & moments but overall it is a terrible tim burton blunder. 2 stars
9/10/00 doktor eric one of the all time great and defining movies! 5 stars
8/23/00 K-Dog Killer As usual K-Dog has the opposite opinion to everyone else. What a dick head. Shit film 2 stars
6/27/00 dan Jack Nicholson Is the President of the United States 4 stars
6/15/00 Bender Nicey goofy spoof of crappy Si-Fi movies 4 stars
6/10/00 Mike Farwell Haliarous 4 stars
5/15/00 seldom scene now i see why it flopped at the box office:this is a spoof of a spoof. 2 stars
5/03/00 That Guy Completely unfunny. Every actor is wasted in this movie. I'd rather knit. 1 stars
3/19/00 David Rogers It wasn't funny, but there's something else about it that makes me like it. 4 stars
2/25/00 Bozo I love a large & varied cast & this has that in spades, but not much else for me to enjoy 3 stars
11/24/99 the Grinch "It's the universal symbol for DONUT! Funny, but didn't reach potential. I love tom jones. 4 stars
10/26/99 Karahde Khan Go and see 'Plan 9 from Outer Space' instead, it's funnier. 1 stars
9/28/99 Lloyd Walters Irony is lost on Americans 5 stars
9/19/99 Aaron White Recommended for absurdists and Chuck Jones fans... a bitter pill wrapped in bold cartooning 5 stars
8/23/99 Physh Tim Burton makes em the way they should! Good, not excelent. 4 stars
8/11/99 Japtalian I can't believe the people who didn't like this movie. Y'all suck ass!! 5 stars
7/30/99 Matthew Bartley Very funny,good design...and Natalie Portman 4 stars
7/01/99 Elizaveta I LOVE Jack Nicholson's death! 4 stars
4/24/99 lucas jackson fuck,this movie was funny,it was not suppose to be serious 4 stars
12/01/98 Mr.Pink "Don't run away, we're your friends!" 5 stars
11/16/98 Lord Of The Dunce A sincerely sucky big name big budget big waste of my time. 1 stars
10/22/98 Johny It is what it's meant to be, but it isn't great 3 stars
10/15/98 MR HOLLYWOOD !! A harmless comedy,some memorable scenes and FX though silly to the max,aliens talk is cool! 4 stars
10/01/98 katherine I liked it because of the spacey sort of storyline, but some of it was so dumb!!! 3 stars
9/26/98 Maegs but dammit, the alien speak was funny. And EVERYBODY died--a good plus 2 stars
9/23/98 Jason Rosenbaum I've seen it twice. It's hilarious. 4 stars
8/29/98 Matt I like this movie more than most people I meet, and i still wish i hadn't paid for it 2 stars
8/25/98 Mister Whoopee Cameos for the sake of another name on the poster. Why was De Vito in it? Pointless. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  13-Dec-1996 (PG-13)

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