Mars Attacks!

Reviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 08/28/98 14:45:44

"Flaming white hot death to anyone involved in this crappy film!"
1 stars (Total Crap)

Rename this film "CAMEO'S FOR THE SAKE OF A DECENT POSTER!" and you'd be better prepared for the crap on offer.

There was a time when we all expected great things from Tim Burton. He was the man. The NKOTB. The pre-Tarantino Tarantino.
Eddy Scissorhands had been deemed a classic, spawning three X rated spoofs (Edward Penishands 1, 2 + 3) which is always a sign of success. Batman had rocked da house and sold a small GNP's worth of Michael Keaton lunchboxes (surreal thought when you look back at it) and Ed Wood had taken the 50's C grade sci-fi genre to new heights of popularity.

Then it all went wrong. Horribly wrong. Twisted like a Thalydamide baby.

Now, Burton competes with Joel Schumacher for the title of "Director who can make the punter eat the most shit without them working it out". Schumacher currently holds the title (thanks for Batman And Robin, cunt) but Burton held it previously after this steaming hunk'a'crud.

Mars Attacks tells the story of... well.. a bunch of people... and what happens to them when aliens attack and try to kill us all. I think it's supposed to be funny. I think it's supposed to be good.

<really low voice>
It is none of these things.
</low voice>

What Mars Attacks! is, is a film where any large/medium/small name actor in Hollywood who was doing nothing on a weekend could turn up and have a part on a film. No need to have any real involvement in the story, or decent lines, or any lines, just turn up, be famous and they'll put your name on the poster.

And so the fuckerheads turned up. De Vito. Sarah Jessica Parker. Pierce Brosnan. Michael J. Fox. Glenn Close. Annette Benning. Martin Short. Rod Steiger. Tom Jones. Lukas Haas. Natalie Portman. Pam Grier. Christina Applegate. Rebecca Brousard. Burton's girlfriend - Lisa Marie.

And Jack Nicholson. In fact, Jack went back to the end of the line and pretended to be someone else so he could get a second part, greedy bastard.

So what you have here is not so much a movie, but a copy of Entertainment Weekly, without the articles. It's a star-perve. Danny DeVito's character is *SO* pointless that I found it the funniest part of the film. He does nothing. He runs behind some other characters, says maybe three lines, dies, and his name is on the poster.

Can you say "cynical moviemaking", boys and girls?

The effects are crap. The series grew from a set of Topps Trading Cards and the film is about as worthless as those are these days.

I have nothing good to say about anyone involved with this film, except Lisa Marie... cos I met her.. and she's built.. and likes muscle cars.

If you really want to watch funny aliens, forget this shit. Go see Independence Day or something where at least they tried to look like they tried.

Tim Burton, apart from Schumacher, you're the suckiest knobhead director going. And this film is the major reason. That and your tendency to think Akiva Goldsman can write better than my mom.

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