Bare Exposure

Reviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 01/03/03 12:44:52

"It takes a really untalented filmmaker to make boobs unappealing."
1 stars (Total Crap)

Softcore veteran Ralph Portillo brings viewers yet another awfully written, awfully acted T&A snorer, this time following the adventures of a group of roommates who have to put on a wet T-shirt contest in order to keep one of their number from being hurt by the mob. Large breasts ensue.

Actually, large misshapen breasts. I donít know which cross-eyed plastic surgeon performed the pre-production breast enlargements on this group of giggling gals, but whoever it was did a really bad job. Ashley Rheyís milk duds are okay I suppose, though they seem to point polar north, but Tammy Parksí mushmelons look like theyíve been glued on. In the wrong place. In fact, one of her breasts looks like itís trying to make an escape. Itís not often that I can be distracted by a bad breast, when I hit the pause button several times just to try to figure out what happened to a womanís nay-nay, without any actual desire for the breast itself, somethingís awry in softcoreville.

So Rhey and Parks are roommates who like to screw around, but the third in their group is a stiff. When she moves out and tells tale to the father of one of the girls, he sends out a private detective to get more information. Why heíd do that and not just call up and chew out the girls is beyond me. What was he doing, collecting evidence for a trial?

The new third roommate is played by Andrea Suzanne, a woman who is good looking enough, but as far as her acting ability goes, I think I could be more convincing as roommate #3Ö and Iím a guy. Itís no surprise that Bare Exposure was her first and last feature film.

And of course, the private dick on their tail is a big swinging moosejock who eventually gets a boner for one of the girls and helps them out when one of their friends gets in gambling trouble with the mob. The answer to all their problems? Hold a wet T-shirt contest to raise the money needed. Of course. What problem canít be solved with a wet T-shirt contest? Especially in a Ralph Portillo film.

Actually, to blame Ralphy P for this crappy outing would be just wrong, as itís written by the worst screenwriter in the world today, according to IMDB statistics, JaLee Bailey. JaLee has penned twelve softcore flicks now and not one of them has received an IMDB rating of more than 4/10 Ė in fact most of them are rated around 2/10. Now, anyone can write a dog of a script, but when you write twelve in a row, why on earth would anyone keep hiring you? Could there be any greater indication that the producers of these movies donít care than the fact that JaLee Bailey isnít forced to live on cat food to survive?

Youíre not likely see Bare Exposure on TNN anytime soon, in fact youíre unlikely to catch it on Cinemax Ė itís that bad Ė but if you do find yourself in front of a TV screen and this film is playing, pray for a merciful end.

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