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Overall Rating

Awesome: 21.05%
Worth A Look: 0%
Average: 0%
Pretty Bad: 0%
Total Crap78.95%

1 review, 13 user ratings

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Golden Apples of the Sun
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by Chris Parry

"The people that made this didn't make another for 17 years. I approve."
1 stars

If you ever see a more pretentious load of horseshit than this movie in your life, call the Guinness Book, because Golden Apples of the Sun has more crap per line than any other film in cinematic history. Itís the theatrical equivalent of having a drunken lunch with a first year philosophy class. From a Ďspecialí school.

Richard: "Yeah, well, you probably think the Song of Solomon was an allegory for Christ's love for the church..."

And what if I do? I meanÖ what? Sorry, allegory for what? Who? Song of huh?

If that was the only pretentious line in this thing, itíd be bad enough, but thatís only one line from nearly an hour of this film that features noting more than a man and a woman walking through the woods, talking absolute shit. The male of the pair (Percy Harkness) thinks heís el macho hunter and can identify what bird a specific feather came from because his dad took him fishing once. The female (Elizabeth Suzuki) has no idea about anything at all, so no matter what BS her companion serves up, she thinks the sun shines out of his tooter. And so they walk. And they talk. And they walk more. And they talk more. And the audience is driven slowly to drink.

And at one point, there are breasts. Then there are no breasts anymore but there are a couple of Vietnam vets. They do scary things, like sing folk music. Our heroic pair must be averse to folk music, because they threaten the vets with a rifle and shoot their bike. Bad mojo brews, culminating in one of the longest, most boring scenes of psychological torture in a chicken coop Iíve ever seen. In fact, itís the only scene of psychological torture in a chicken coop Iíve seen.

You will not find a more monotonous film gracing your TV screen throughout the course of your natural life. Itís so bad, there ought to be a warning, ďDANGER: WANKERS WITHIN.Ē I mean, did they edit anything out of this movie or just use all the film that was shot? Was there even a script or did they just let these two boring people talk for hours?

Iím honestly baffled by this film. Maybe if I knew what the fuck the Song of Solomon was itíd make sense, but I somehow doubt it. By wankers, for wankers, about wankers.

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originally posted: 01/15/03 20:12:55
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User Comments

9/27/10 Jeremiah Mercer The most amazingly AWESOME film ever produced!! 5 stars
5/08/09 Chad Larson They need a new movie classification for this movie...A Negative Star! 1 stars
8/26/08 jim harkness the strangest worst real film ever made! no relation. 5 stars
6/09/07 Chad Larson It scares me that these people were able to sell this and may have made money from it!!! 1 stars
7/11/06 ian afford the biggest pile of toss ever !! 1 stars
5/18/05 Andrew + Jon After nearly two hours of this nonsense, we still have no idea what was going on... 1 stars
4/17/05 pierre racine one of the greatest masterpiece of cinema,better all fellini`s horseshit 5 stars
4/02/05 Hippo Shaped The worst directed, edited, scripted, cast and lit film i've ever seen 1 stars
8/10/04 Mike H I just can't get over how horridly, sludgily freaking awful this movie is. 1 stars
7/09/04 philum that folk song was amazing! ...but the movie itself bit ass 5 stars
4/05/04 Barry Andover I thought "Caged Terror" was going to be a women in prison flick, LOL. 1 stars
10/29/03 TEPTIME burnout back-to-nature bummer. AVOID! 1 stars
6/06/03 Kenneth Emery This was absolutely the worst movie I have ever seen. Kelvin scale rating of absolute zero 1 stars
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  06-Jun-1973 (NR)


  02-Feb-1974 (M)

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