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Overall Rating

Awesome: 14.71%
Worth A Look: 2.94%
Average: 5.88%
Pretty Bad: 4.41%
Total Crap72.06%

4 reviews, 44 user ratings

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Boat Trip
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by Chris Parry

"I watched this worthless garbage so you wouldn't have to. I suffer for you."
1 stars

In the opening montage of the vileness that is Boat Trip, Cuba Gooding Jr dances in his living room to a James Brown song, as his dog watches. He then goes out to propose to his girlfriend but ends up vomiting on her instead and getting dumped. Then he comes home and tells the dog what happened, before saying "you don't care, you can lick your own balls." If this alone doesn't warn you that Boat Trip is one of the worst excuses for a feature film released in the last twenty years, the following words should do the trick: "Pick up now or I'm going to fart into the phone." Seriously, movies get no worse than this. Well, Master of Disguise perhaps, but that's it.

There isn't a cliche or convention of bad movie-making (or bad TV-making) that Boat Trip doesn't mire itself in from the very first frame. You've got a terrible script, unbelievably dumb humor, a premise that screams "I Love Lucy" episode, the ever-present 'zany comedy' score, the word 'dude' spoken by old people, a fat sidekick, gratuitous skin without ever going to actual nudity (except for repeated shots of Cuba Gooding Jr's naked ass), Cuba Gooding Jr dancing, Cuba Gooding Jr dressing as a woman, a Will Ferrell cameo, and not one actual laugh for the entire 90 minutes.

Added to this, the first half hour of the film is spent leading in to the big joke of the premise - that the cruise Gooding and his buddy are going on is actually a gay cruise. Only, that joke is given away in the advertising of the film, so really a good third of this movie is entirely wasted time.

Scratch that - the entire film is a waste of time. If this were a TV sitcom it would never have made it past the pilot stage. If it were a puppy, you'd take it to the vet and have it put to sleep. If it were a skin disease, you'd have whatever limb it was found on amputated at the base.

Never has an Oscar been more wasted than the Oscar Cuba Gooding Jr brought home for Jerry Maguire. Some actors might have taken that as the launchpad for a great career, but Gooding has gone the total other way, voluntarily charting a career path that has headed straight into the toilet. Who is this guy's agent, Jerry Springer? There are porn actors who wouldn't have taken a role in this crap. There are check-out chicks at my local K-Mart who wouldn't have taken a part in a film this bad, and many of them have crack habits.

The storyline: Gooding and his fat buddy (I keep calling him that because that is his only realistic characteristic) decide to help Cuba get over the loss of his girlfriend by going on a cruise. The travel agent decides these two are assholes (I wholeheartedly agree) and in turn sends them on a gay cruise. Much gay stereotyping ensues. Comedy, however, doesn't.

Like an episode of Will and Grace gone horribly wrong, Boat Trip sashays from Scooby Doo reactions to the kind of questionable sexual humor that would get you a warning from your boss if you brought it within a hundred feet of the workplace.

"I must be dreaming. Somebody pinch me."
"Hey, not my ass!"

Okay, can somebody staple my sides together please?

Perhaps the strangest aspect of this movie is that of all the gay stereotypes included within it (and we're talking hundreds here), nobody seems to be gayer than Cuba Gooding Jr - and he's playing the straight guy. I have no idea if this guy likes his donuts filled with jam or chocolate, but the way he prissys about this ship, he certainly doesn't seem out of place. And even if he did... what's the problem with going on a gay cruise, anyway? You're still on a cruise; who cares if the guys at the next table are gay, straight or fond of inserting guppies? Deal with it, move on, get a tan, try not to fall off the side of the boat and sue the travel agent when you get home - cha-ching!

But no, 'gay' is apparently the next step down from having SARS, so being a straight man on a gay cruise is like putting your tongue on the mens' room door handle, at least according to the Special Needs class that put this script together. Actually, it wasn't a Special Needs class, it was a writer named Mort Nathan (who used to write scripts for Archie Bunker's Place and The Golden Girls) and another by the name of William Bigelow (who admits to having penned episodes of Silk Stalkings, Renegade and Pacific Blue). That such a pair of hacks are even allowed near a word processor without helmets is a dire statement about the society in which we live.

No negative film review could possibly do justice to how bad this cinema experience is. Blowjobs performed on bananas, rampant stereotyping of thw worst kind, enough mugging for the camera to put Benny Hill out of business, repeated shots of Gooding's naked behind... Heck, this movie even steals jokes from other films, with a 'Something About Mary' sperm joke and the Porky's 'unwanted sex with a repugnant old woman' routine deserving of particular scorn.

Yet, no matter how repugnant a film like this can get, there's always someone who'll sell their soul to get on the video box. Witness Kevin Thomas of the Los Angeles Times when he says, "In its frenetic, good-natured way, Boat Trip is indeed a trip."

Sure Kevin - a bad acid trip maybe. A trip on Air Iraq perhaps. A trip face-first down a flight of concrete stairs, sure.

To cover their asses (no pun intended), the makers of this film "consulted with many openly gay individuals, including the film's casting director and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, in an effort to insure that its setting, subject matter and characters were fair and not offensive to any particular group while maintaining the film's comedic nature." If GLAAD think this kind of thing is advancing the cause of acceptance of minority groups, GLAAD must stand for Got Little Aptitude for Advanced Dumbness. That the producers can even explain away this horsecrap with an excuse as preposterous as "we have a gay person working on the crew, so like, we love gays" is the final stab in the back of tolerance and understanding.

If I made a movie that portrayed all Italians as incestual morons, I'd expect a horse's head to be left in my bed. To be sure, Cuba Gooding Jr deserves to find a day-glo pink vibrator under his pillow every night of the week.

And if you ask me, he probably does. ZING!

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originally posted: 05/02/03 12:37:06
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User Comments

5/28/08 Romonia Kesler I loved one song in the whole movie 3 stars
8/26/07 Sugarfoot Horrid 1 stars
5/02/07 jenarader you guys are all sh#t its the best movie ever 5 stars
5/01/07 Heather Best Review EVER! The movie is crap! 1 stars
3/31/06 Anthony Feor Anymore of this and i will lose it 1 stars
11/02/05 fat old man I liked it but I do not like the fat old persondown from me 5 stars
11/02/05 fat old woman i enjoyed your movie esspecialy because i was eating a big bucket of chicken 5 stars
11/02/05 nictodoto you are sick like dick 5 stars
11/02/05 james it was very good and fuck the gay people though 5 stars
7/19/05 Will Full of hilarious gay jokes, gays need to get a sense of humour. 5 stars
7/07/05 Gary L. Jamerson It was very great I liked it very much!!!!! 5 stars
5/13/05 marc loved it, very funny if your not homofobic 5 stars
3/03/05 michael weber hilaris ! gwagwagwagwa ; huhuhuhuhuh 5 stars
12/27/04 Louie I've had bowel movements much more enjoyable than this. 1 stars
8/18/04 tatum An embarrassment to all of humanity, gay or straight 1 stars
5/18/04 Daveman Not as bad as it's made out to be, but still bad. 2 stars
4/26/04 christina the movie was great 5 stars
3/17/04 Jamy Williamson I thought this movie was funny. 4 stars
2/09/04 Whatevr You only need to see the commercial to see where this movie is going. 1 stars
1/14/04 emilio betech we should sue the guy who made it and distributed it. it's offensive, idiotic. 1 stars
1/03/04 I Would Chris Parry rivals Collin Souter as the best reviewer on he shite. BOAT TRIP WAS WANK!!!!!! 1 stars
12/13/03 J This movie was stupid 3 stars
12/09/03 DaChuck I'm scared of the nightmares I'm going to have after watching that crap! 1 stars
10/14/03 des worst movie ever 1 stars
10/13/03 Girl funny 3 stars
10/12/03 Jenn R. 1 star is more credit than it deserves. I was offended by the entire movie. 1 stars
9/05/03 Chris Insulting to all that watch it. 1 stars
9/05/03 Dawn Dear God, NO!!! 1 stars
6/14/03 Doug Sooo funny.... 4 stars
6/07/03 Drew Hutchinson This one and View from the top should be burred to sea in one wooden box 2 stars
5/31/03 Priscilla Postlethwaite Mixed bag. Humor and seriousness sometimes clash. Not good feeling overall. 3 stars
4/24/03 Ralph R. Clemente Sucks 1 stars
4/21/03 randall thoren horrible, disgusting, crap 1 stars
4/18/03 Jin I'm starting to wonder about Gooding. 1 stars
4/16/03 Squeedily Spooch GENOCIDE ON GAYS! 1 stars
4/13/03 natasha homophobs, you are total idiots. horatio sanz was amazing, everything else was awful 1 stars
4/10/03 Andrew Carden Sanz Provides Any Of The Humor In This Horrid Piece Of Hollywood Dreck. 2 stars
3/31/03 JewBoy69 Ya down with the gays! 1 stars
3/30/03 Large Farve Please make it stop... Please... Nice to see some tolerance in the world, thomas 1 stars
3/29/03 thomas b i hate homos!! cant we just kill them all? 1 stars
3/26/03 Bluto McBlurt Good god! How could this happen? And how could it get a release? 1 stars
3/24/03 Kyle ...WHY GOD, WHY? WHAT HAVE WE EVER DONE?! 1 stars
3/23/03 Choda This movie is totally perverted, but mildly funny. 1 stars
3/23/03 The Aussie Film Reviewer Absolutely repugnant. The sort of thing you'd expect from an Uzbekistan comedy. 1 stars
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  21-Mar-2003 (R)
  DVD: 17-Feb-2004



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