Worth A Look: 35.45%
Pretty Bad: 7.41%
Total Crap: 17.99%
9 reviews, 135 user ratings
|Deep Blue Sea
by Chris Parry
Renny Harlin couldn't direct traffic. On a one way street. He's not a director's asshole. He's as much a director as Lawrence Bender is a producer. It's all rep and no substance. But hey, at least he's stopped trying to turn old lady Davis into the next Schwarzennegger. Thank God for small mercies. Any movie that begins with a supermodel female scientist slamming her hand on the desk of her boss claiming "you've got to continue funding! People are dying out there!" is the result of too much prozac and not enough script development.Come on, Hollywood. Can we have just one female world reknowned scientist who isn't under 23 and prone to stripping down to her underwear for a cheap thrill? Can't we have Joan Cusack be a scientist? Or Janeane Garofalo? I could see Judi Dench as a scientist. Or Illeana Douglas. So why is it that the only scientists we seem to have in the world are Elisabeth Shue (The Saint's energy genius), Nicole Kidman (The Pisstaker's.. I mean Peacemaker's nuclear goddess), Mira Sorvino (nobody knows gigantic bugs like award winning Mira) and Jodie Foster ("Hmm, I think I hear my dad calling me from Andromeda, call me a preacher")..?
"Comparisons to Jaws are misplaced. Jaws was worth watching."
Who's next? Maybe Kathy Ireland can discover a cure for cancer, or perhaps Jenny McCarthy can figure out where my socks go when they disappear from the washing machine.
"An asteroid is on a crash course with Earth! What will we do?"
"Call Claudia Schiffer, she'll have a plan to save us all!"
In Deep Blue Sea, which could we retitled "Stupid scientist makes sharks smart enough to write poetry", Saffron Burrows (who, credit where it's due, wowed us all with her riveting performance opposite Matthew Lillard and Freddie Prinze Jr in Wing Commander) has an idea that shark brain fluid can cure alzheimer's disease. Her plan is to make sharks brains larger so she can get masses of the stuff and cure pappy. But what happens to a shark's brain when it gets larger? Can you figure it out? Do you need a frickin' roadmap, sparky?
Smart shark = bad people.
Of course, this is plot hole number one. Somehow we can make shark's brains bigger, which makes them smarter. And we do this to get fluid that stops old people getting dumber. Um, Saffron... you might have one too many steps in your plan here. Why not just make crusty old Mr Codger's brain bigger and leave him to solve mysteries of the universe, Hawkins-style? Forget the shark head-fluid altogether, ya great lummox!
So anyhow, Saffy is being all evil and scientific without thinking of the possible problems involved when a shark with the IQ of Einstein. Thomas Jane (who has thankfully progressed from absolute gobshite like The Velocity Of Gary) is the requisite tough guy. Ex con, tough as nails, he likes to frolic with the sharkin's. Of course, the sharkeys would like him as an entree, but he's nimble. That makes him shark-proof aparently.
Then we have the wacky guy who scares easily. Now, if you were casting this film, who would fill that role for you? Let's say it all at the same time.
Very good. The former stalker who thought he could pull off "tough" in Palmetto has come back to his roots to play "goof-off". Unfortunately for Rapaport, goofy or tough, he's plain unwatchable. He seems to have made it big despite the fact that nobody likes him. Not even his girlfriends. Go away, Michael. Don't bother me.
Then there's Stellan Skarsgaard. Is it just me or does his surname sound like a piece of hockey equipment? "Chuck me another Skarsgaard, Luc!" Stellan is the unsociable, overweight, chainsmoking scientist (the grunts are always filthbags, it's the award winners who are supermodels) who does evil Saffron's bidding. I'm not giving anything away here when I say he dies, but he dies in a pretty damn cool way. I mean, if you *have* to die in an action movie, you want to die in a way folks remember. Sadly, in a bid to keep this movie from the dreaded R rating, the "head exploding, blood and guts, chunks of gunk splatting everywhere and the front row vomitting on the carpet" death it could have been is avoided. But what is left is pretty frickin' sweet. So enjoy Stellan while he lasts. Cos he doesn't.
Then there's Samuel L. Jackson playing the rich guy who survived an avalanche by eating his wife or some such bullshit. Nobody really knows because it's obvious that in a moment of cloudiness the "not very good with English" director Renny wrote some words down the back of a snotty tissue and said to Sam "read dis". Jackson will appear in anything. You don't even need a script. You doubt me? Call him. Seriously, right now, go call him and say "I'm doing this National Lamopon movie called Giving Them Wood, I want you to play Corey Feldman." Watch him jump at it.
Which leads us to Ice Cube. I mean Ice T. I mean Vanilla Ice. I mean LL Cool J. (Why do all rappers have something about coldness in their handle? Even Tupac left me cold. I kept thinking Sixpac.) LL is the biggest fucking sell-out muthafuckah since Robert Rodriguez started selling Jeans for Tommy Hilfiger. He's the biggest disser of his fanbase since Milli Vanilli mixed up their "Blame It On The Rain" tape with their Tony Robbins "Come Baa With Me" tape, just before a sell-out crowd at the Wilmington MeatDome.
LL hasn't got a dignified bone in his body. Let me list the crimes. 1) Signing on to this crap. 2) Allowing himself to play the cook/preacher/guy with a parrot/token black guy/recovering drunk role. 3) Not only forgetting how to put out hardcore rap but coming out with that hokey as all fuck "My Head Is Like A Shark's Fin" single. No LL, your head is not like a shark's fin. Shark's fins are sharp. Your head is as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Oh yeah. There's also Jacqueline McKenzie, a fine Australian actress. Playing an American. Umm.. well.. she cries a bit cos the hockey equipment gets eaten. Thanks for coming, Jacq.
The tale that is told here was not one that needed telling. In fact, if someone told it to you in a pub, you'd take their car keys off them. Underwater research facility, sharks go mean, start to beat on the facility til it starts to sink, sharks come in to get human types. Eat some. Chase some. People go nuts.With some of the worst dialogue to ever come out of the Hollywood hokey machine, some of the dumbest storyline to have ever been funded, one of the worst directors going around today, a cast that seems to know they signed on to total shit and as much camp as Showgirls, this is one movie you could go your entire life without seeing and end up dying smarter as a result. Renny Harlin should be directing Carrot Top. They're a natural. Neither knows what the fuck they are doing.
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originally posted: 11/13/99 14:10:19