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Overall Rating

Awesome: 11.67%
Worth A Look: 9.17%
Average: 20.83%
Pretty Bad: 18.33%
Total Crap40%

7 reviews, 78 user ratings

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Core, The
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by Chris Parry

"Welcome to Colonoscopy: The Movie"
2 stars

Perhaps this film should have been called Armageddon 2: Astronauts In Reverse! Or maybe it should have been Penis to The Center of The Earth, or 20,000 Cliches Under The Sea. Maybe Surfing The Crimson ShockWave would have been apt. Whatever the title, one thing about The Core that rings true to nearly everyone who sits through it is this: it makes very little actual sense.

Aaron Eckhart is a college professor. He spends his days demonstrating how sound waves can measure density by blowing a trumpet at limestone. Which is the sort of thing your high school science teacher might have done, as kind of a basic, basic, basic entry level lesson on how sound waves work. Clearly Eckhart is a professor at Retardo U., or he's teaching the Science for Dummies class, because anyone with an IQ over 18 who might be taking a course at college and getting this kind of snore-inducing Bill Nye stunt in return would surely be asking for their tuition back.

That's the level that The Core begins at, and it's the level it stays at throughout. High school science with very little basis in fact, and scenes that make you raise an eyebrow as you turn to the person next to you and say, "It isn't just me, right? This really is stupid, right?"

Eckhart is yanked out of class by a couple of G-Men who drag him off to meet an old college buddy (Tcheky Karyo), an expert in weapons, who has similarly been yanked to come explain why hundreds of people fell over and died within a minute of each other. Eckhart suggests some kind of problem with soundwaves interfering with their pacemakers, seeing as nobody around these people was the slightest bit affected and no wounds are apparent.

Now, I'd been thinking the same thing myself, so when the G-Man and the college buddy simultaneously compliment Eckhart on what a genius he is, I felt a little chuffed. Then I felt silly. This guy is no genius, he merely put two and two together, something that the screenwriters on The Core clearly think the audience is inapable of doing, or they wouldn't spend half an hour teaching us basic science, then breaking every scientific rule as they race to their formulaic ending.

Great pains are made to tell us that there's no way of getting to the core quickly because it's so dense down there in the middle of the earth. Eventually, a crazy ass laser genius (Delroy Lindo) builds a stonking laser cannon that can disintegrate anything in its path, which these guys figure will mean they can attach it to a large dildo and ride that dildo down to the middle of the planet.

Of course, I'm still saying I'm no genius, but I would have suggested building a craft that could survive molten lava, then riding said lava from an active volcano down as far as you can go, but what do I know? I don't have a dimple on my chin. Instead, they'll ride the laser, disintegrating the super dense dirt until they hit the core. Okay then...

But if it's so dense, how is it that they can step outside when things go wrong? And why does the ship not so much dig as fall to the core? And why is it that instead of plunging into sea of lava, they seem to ride along the surface of the lava?

And why is Hilary Swank still looking like a cross-dresser?

These questions and more just don't need to be answered, because The Core blows. Sure, you can go in with the attitude of "I refuse to think about the things that are obviously scientifically dumb with this movie", but if you do that, how do you feel about the half-hour science lesson that begins proceedings? How on earth can you just go with this thing, when even the special effects, which reportedly set someone back $85m, look like Ray Harryhausen's leftovers?

I mean, Christ, I'm pretty sure that some of the stuff these guys bored into (and I use the term bored very deliberately) was leftover footage from Inner Space, because it looked like white blood cells half the time.

"Oh my god, it's diamonds big as Cape Cod!" No it isn't, it's large black blobs with no detail that the CGI guys clearly didn't have time to fill in with vector graphics. No need for alarm.

The Core has its moments, though not very many of them, and as for tension, it seems to take great delight in killing off the people we should be feeling empathy with in the most torturous ways. Burn one, crush another, watch 'em fall as the only two who will walk out of the wreckage (spoiler, my ass) are the two you would have picked in the first few minutes of the film to do so.

How a movie this size can waste Stanley Tucci, Delroy Lindo and Alfre Woodard is beyond me, because I consider them to be amongst the most supremely talented character actors of our time, but here they seem to be as lost in the mire that is Hollywood screenwriting hackdom as the audience is. That DJ Qualls can come out looking on the level of Tucci is not a mark of how good an actor Qualls is (by any stretch), but rather proof that even a great actor can't turn dog bollocks into filet mignon.

If Hollywood's studios can't find $500,000 in a budget of $85m to make sure the script is GOOD (or at least not insulting) before they crank out big budget crap like this, then they deserve the tanking that this took at the box office. The Core is, at times, 'big stupid fun', but for the most part you can drop the third word on that phrase and you'll be far closer to reality.

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originally posted: 03/09/04 07:19:13
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User Comments

12/17/18 Ajp wales Feels like a 60s sci fi with better fx and seen it all before script. 2 stars
9/13/17 morris campbell dull good effects though 1 stars
1/22/16 David H. A disaster movie that is a total disaster. 2 stars
7/09/10 Peety Bad acting, Bad CGI, Shitty plot, poop 2 stars
9/03/08 Shaun Wallner Awesome storyline! 5 stars
6/07/08 Yessy This Movie Was absolutely terrible, magnets reflecting light? COME ON 1 stars
4/24/07 David Risser Definately not the best of Hilary Swank 2 stars
4/19/07 Stevo UK Rip off of armageddon which was shite anyway 1 stars
11/30/06 Stanley Thai Nothing else but a good pop corn flick. Enjoyable. 3 stars
11/07/06 David Pollastrini pretty dull 1 stars
5/19/06 drydock54321 do they have to kill them all (most of them that is) 4 stars
4/18/06 the laughing man It has great sci - fi elements, and character development. Beautiful visuals. 4 stars
3/12/06 Chris Wilbik The usual earth destruction movie but not too bad. 4 stars
2/11/06 sweetgrrl1972 It's based on terrible, nay ridiculous science, but I can't look away! Oddly compelling. 4 stars
12/11/05 est jay mon gabriel m. corpuz awesomes 5 stars
11/09/05 Furquan ITz all gud but the story is kind of Wack 4 stars
9/01/05 ES Unbelievable technology hurts planet, so more unbelievable technology is invented to fix it 2 stars
8/17/05 leah it was a kick ass movie 5 stars
7/25/05 Eric Rollins Cheesy fun. Needs gratuitious sex. 3 stars
6/15/05 Quigley what a piece of cinema crap! the unearthers took a lot to dig THIS up! 1 stars
5/19/05 Cindy Sheeks This movie was so awful. I even KNEW it would be awful and it still surprised me with it's 1 stars
5/08/05 Steve Newman Even my 12 yr old walked out of this one - avoid!! 2 stars
4/27/05 John the movie works better than any sleeping pill 1 stars
2/05/05 Jeff Anderson Better than expected! The cast gives 100% & the special effects are outstanding. A BLAST!!! 5 stars
10/19/04 Micheal Walter this movie sucked 1 stars
10/18/04 Naka D. Lindo gives a wonderful preformance, but its the only highlight. 2 stars
10/07/04 Valerie Great movie, worth a look for sure! 4 stars
8/13/04 Donna I think it's brilliant i watch it allt he time 5 stars
8/08/04 Bruce Mellesmoen Is it possible to create a new category "0-STARS ~ AKA The Core Score" 1 stars
8/07/04 G-man totally awesome 5 stars
8/03/04 alice MAN THIS MOVIE SUCKED 1 stars
7/19/04 assassin_chick Great idea, but this could have been done SOOOO much better. 2 stars
6/14/04 Kimastov amazing 5 stars
6/02/04 sean Too average for comments 3 stars
5/31/04 Anubis lord a good idea but kinda predictable 4 stars
5/01/04 mincemeat journey to the center of lamesville 1 stars
3/27/04 Gretchen mediocre at best, a total waste of money 1 stars
3/25/04 Erica Thornton So boring, the actors fell asleep 1 stars
3/21/04 Linda Ellis Didn't care for this, it was predictable and boring. 2 stars
3/18/04 Maria I really liked this was a sitting on the edge of your chair kind of show. 5 stars
3/17/04 Alfred Guy Should have been called, The COREny. 2 stars
3/13/04 Greg Politically correct piece of crap. 1 stars
3/12/04 Phyllis Yawn! Very skimpy plot with lame action. 2 stars
2/16/04 the gourd Darkofknight, you're not exactly up to normal intelligence levels are you? Short bus.... 1 stars
2/13/04 Jack Bourbon What a silly piece of crap. Not even amusing B-trash. 1 stars
2/11/04 Jingo P. I've seen better special effects on a Wendy's commercial. SNORE. 2 stars
12/16/03 Dan A very funny movie... so ridiculous, so self-important. Watch it and mock it. 2 stars
12/09/03 john liberal is just fine - it's this movie that sucks! 1 stars
12/04/03 twodogs Liberal/hollyweed trash 1 stars
11/27/03 John it's so bad it's insulting 1 stars
11/14/03 Sylvie Alice Borden Exciting romp, even is much of the "science" is garbage. 4 stars
11/08/03 Ryan The Bore - takes implausibility to new levels 2 stars
10/06/03 Darryl Boring and silly with cardboard characters. And predictable (very few surprises). 2 stars
9/27/03 JJ It's farfetched but entertaining. And watch out for those birds! 3 stars
9/26/03 Jiz Too bad the DVD didn't stop rotating too. Fucking awful shitfest of a movie. 1 stars
6/27/03 Jackie COOL 5 stars
6/22/03 John Bale Son of Jules Verne brother to Armaggedon, and stillborn. Tucci's humour fails to save. 2 stars
6/21/03 alien assassin Not as bad as it could have been !!!! 3 stars
6/13/03 Jerry It really rocks!! 5 stars
6/12/03 Sylvie Alice Borden Exciting romp, even is much of the "science" is garbage. 4 stars
5/11/03 Collin Compared To This Jason X Looks Like A Contender For Best Picture AtThe Oscars 1 stars
4/27/03 Paul Hackett-Evans Great fun! I loved "The Core". See it five times - I did! Can't wait for the DVD!!! 5 stars
4/20/03 George Jung What.............the..............fuck!?!?!?!?! 1 stars
4/17/03 Jack Bourbon For having gazillions of tons of pressure, the interior of the Earth sure has lots of space 1 stars
4/14/03 palaboy101 The movie had a disturbing scene where the pigeons fly aimlessly to their death. Ok film. 3 stars
4/06/03 Cadillac Kid the dumbest fucking movie i have seen in a loooong time! 1 stars
4/05/03 Bloody Vixen Um...the only reason i didn't walk out of the cinema is because of the Rat. 3 stars
4/03/03 Chris Look when you haven't seen a diaster film, since The Perfect Storm, this seems great! 4 stars
4/02/03 Uncle Salty GARBAGE FROM START TO FINISH. Should have been called "The Bore" I'd rather watch sand. 1 stars
4/02/03 Vince fuck this shit. 1 stars
4/01/03 bob mckenzie good lord, disney's journey to the center of the earth was better, made 20 years ago! 1 stars
3/31/03 Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazine I kind of liked the ten story spinning dildo. 1 stars
3/31/03 Spiderfan729 Couldn't be any better! 5 stars
3/31/03 sfghghfghg Fantastic!!! 5 stars
3/30/03 HE great 5 stars
3/30/03 Joe What A Piece Of Crap 1 stars
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  28-Mar-2003 (PG-13)
  DVD: 29-Dec-2004



Directed by
  Jon Amiel

Written by
  Sean Bailey
  Cooper Layne
  John Rogers

  Aaron Eckhart
  Hilary Swank
  Delroy Lindo
  Stanley Tucci
  Bruce Greenwwod
  DJ Qualls

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