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Overall Rating

Awesome: 17.19%
Worth A Look: 6.25%
Average: 24.22%
Pretty Bad: 9.38%
Total Crap42.97%

6 reviews, 92 user ratings

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Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
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by Chris Parry

"If the choice is this movie or a mid-afternoon nap... take the nap."
1 stars

I'll never understand how a team of hundreds of people, from director to producers to writers to technicians to cast to studio executives to marketing dullards, can look at a film like this and say "yep, this is ready for prime time." If I'd appeared in this film, I would be asking rather strongly that it be recut, that reshoots be done, and that something even vaguely resembling reality be inserted. I'd be begging. And failing any sort of agreement from the producers, I'd be asking that they scratch my scenes. That's how bad this film is. It's bad in every respect. It's obnoxiously bad. It's ridiculous, loud, stupid, pointless, gormless, gravitationally incorrect and, when you get right down to it, not at all sexy. Which means it IS... crap.

The original Charlie's Angels was like an early 80's version of Girl Power. You had the hot broads using their hotness, as well as plenty of neat fighting/technical/military/espionage skills, to get the bad guy and save the world from evil. It wasn't James Bond, it was Jill Bond, without the gadgets and harsh sexual innuendo. To put it short, the original Angels were skilled, exotic, genuine female role models. Kinda.

But the new breed of Angels are dumb, bubbly, stereotypical examples of what the world would be like if shopping at the Gap gave you superpowers.

The story goes that the entire witness protection program database has been inscribed on two titanium rings, which when used together decode themselves to give up the info to whoever has them. Now, even if we lived on StupidAssWorld, this would still be the dumbest, most implausible storyline set up since Juwanna Mann. Rings? What are we doing here, going topical? Who stores a witness protection database on a ring? How the hell is that harder to get to than Norad-like computer security? I mean, come ON!

So the Angels have to go get the stolen rings back, not because innocent people woule die if they fell into the wrong hands, but because one of the Angels is in the program and has a nasty boyfriend in her past who wants to get even with her.

And that's where things gety REALLY stupid.

If I told you that I drove a truck off the side of a dam, then jumped out of the truck as it flew downwards, floating around to the attack helicopter that was on the back of the truck, climbing inside, starting it up and correcting it at the last second of a vertical nosedive, while three people flew into the back seat, you'd start checking me for crack burns. I mean, that's not just unbelievable, it's illogical. It's impossible. It couldn't ever happen. Superman might be able to pull it off, but even he wouldn't try flying a helicopter that is pointing straight down and plummeting down the face of a dam. No helicopter ever made could do this. No jet fighter could do this. It can not be done. It isn't doable.

But yeah, the Angels have apparently had special training or something because they do this in the first few minutes of the film... after the girls have ridden a rodeo bull, dodged bullets, outdrank a Mongolian soldier and dodged both a tank and an RPG.

Are you starting to understand the level of stupidity here yet?

There's nothing the slightest bit beyond titilation and stupidity in thie entire film, and even the titilation is minimal. Just when you think they've thrown all the innuendo, sluttiness and teasing they could into the film without swinging around a pole... they pretend they're strippers and start swinging around a pole.

But it won't get your pole moving, trust me. Cameron Diaz STILL looks like someone smacked her in the face with a shovel, yet she's still being passed off as the sex queen of a new generation. Never before in movie history has an actress made such a name for herself doing nothing more than dancing in tighty whiteys. It's as if every one of Diaz' scenes was composed by the marketing genius who told Jenny McCarthy it would do her career a lot of good to be photographed sitting on the john.

Then there's Drew Barrymore, who is trying so hard to be 'metal' that she actually dresses like the lead singer of AC/DC. Not as part of a disguise, mind you, just because she likes the look. Beret and all.

I mean, is there a woman on the planet who is LESS metal than Drew Barrymore? Martha Stewart might qualify, perhaps Rosie O'Donnell, but the field is a small one. It would have made far more sense to make Barrymore the 'brainy' Angel, but when the poor dear girl is producing the very flick we're talking about, it's unlikely she's going to allow others to hog the sexual spotlight by donning the Velma specs and talking about physics.

And then we have Lucy Liu, who is hotter than Satan's own five-alarm chili, essentially consigned to being 'the one who laughs at Cameron's jokes'. Liu is perhaps the only one in this cast who is anything close to a real person, and though she stays clothed for the vast majority of the film, she's the only one worth watching, even if you're of the 14-year-old-boy mindset.

So why is it that the hottest of these three women shows absolutely no skin while Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore show nothing but for the entire film? Because she's got a brain in her head and an agent who isn't retarded, I expect. Something Demi Moore clearly can't boast, judging by her 'big screen comeback' as the ex-Angel bad girl who seems to have no clothing but for the occasional bikini.

Seriously Demi, this is the best you can do for a comeback? At least Ally Sheedy won some awards when she clawed her way back from the brink of Forgotten Land - all you're going to win here is the Maxim 'most separated breast implants' award.

And let's not even discuss John Cleese, dragged up from the depths of comedy genius to do nothing more than blink in shock for three scenes. I mean, Cleese is barely given a single line in this film - talk about a waste of talent!

So there you have it. Stupid stunts that defy any sort of rational belief, wasted casting that manages to infuriate and annoy, and more skin than any woman with a brain in her head, an agent in her pocket and a reputation as an actress should have to display on screen.

Objectification does not equal strength, a lesson that precious few female role models today seem to understand in their rush for riches and 'number one' status. You don't see J-Lo telling her screaming legion "don't dress like me because I dress pretty slutty", nor do you see Christina Aguillera displaying her 'strength' when she sings to you that her poo-nanny is dripping for action. As Britney keeps asking the world "why can Christina be a slut and I can't?" and Pink and L'il Kim and Missy Elliot change their look every season to coincide with the release of their new line of 'streetware', it's probably no surprise that Barrymore and Diaz think they have to go all gyno to keep audiences interested. It's just a shame, that's all.

link directly to this review at
originally posted: 12/28/03 09:57:45
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User Comments

5/23/20 Charles T. Tatum, Jr. Makes the TV series look like Masterpiece Theatre 1 stars
12/29/17 morris campbell very silly but fun 4 stars
10/12/10 simon loved the first one, hated this! it's insultingly stupid!!!! 1 stars
6/08/10 Flathead King Few films are worse than this one. 1 stars
5/11/08 drydock54321 just as bad as the first one 2 stars
12/26/06 johnnyfog With Sam Rockwell gone, all thats left is Demi pretending she's gay. SHIT 1 stars
10/30/06 Jimmey-Cheen Taking crap to a new level!!! If there was a 0 star selection I'd take it!!! 1 stars
7/21/06 Anthony Feor I am going to say pass 3 stars
5/26/06 William Goss Crosses the line between dumb fun and just plain dumb that made the first so entertaining. 3 stars
2/05/06 Shawn Gadberry What went wrong after such a great C.A.#1? Blah... 3 stars
10/17/05 Hamster W. Lung Gave me anal warts 1 stars
9/28/05 Jonathon Holmes Moore, Diaz, Barrymore and Liu cant save this mess 2 stars
9/01/05 ES Bernie! Why?!? Not even you could save this cretinous lump of crap 1 stars
6/25/05 Mr Fluffy What in God's name was that? 1 stars
4/26/05 E-FUNK A limp-dick end to a repulsive franchise hopeful. I'm actually glads this was made. 1 stars
3/03/05 Laurie Le Blanc Crispin Glove/Thin Man's cameo is the only reason to see this movie! 3 stars
12/09/04 Kristina Williams thank GOD I didnt pay to watch this. 1 stars
8/27/04 ranger4e Unless you are into T&A, avoid. 1 stars
8/01/04 DM Good Lord, what have I done? 1 stars
7/19/04 Kill Charlie Holy crap was this move godawful. One of the worst ever. Avoid avoid avoid. 1 stars
7/19/04 axe warped and on speed captain! zzzzzzz@!@!@!ssssssss 3 stars
6/12/04 DJ ERIC 88 the motorcycle scenes rocked! THE BEST OF THE2 MOVIES! 5 stars
5/29/04 person I thought the film was eye catching and fun! 4 stars
5/26/04 Daveman Painful 1 stars
5/15/04 Mortis None of these women can act enough to save their own lives! 1 stars
5/06/04 HorrorScribbler Amiable nonsense. I think it was a comedy ... 3 stars
3/21/04 Natalie's good a second time, but... Helen treats audience like toilet paper -- they hafta take lots of shit off Helen Zass! 1 stars
1/29/04 EIHFHIS I saw Cameron in a BIKINI!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
1/27/04 lonesome_whistle Unbelieveably stupid - someone owes me $8.50! 1 stars
1/24/04 esther the worst film i saw last year 1 stars
1/20/04 Tiffany Faye Hawthorne First was good in very silly way, but Drew Barrymore sucks her won turds this time. 1 stars
1/08/04 A F Ok Lucy I love you but, you can do better than this heap. 2 stars
1/05/04 beautie never seen so much shithole heaped together 1 stars
12/20/03 Johnny Fay anyone who likes this movie should be killed!!!!!!!! 1 stars
11/28/03 john how bad can a movie actually get? a new world record ladies and gentlemen! 1 stars
11/27/03 he a good film 3 stars
11/25/03 Thiago Cool movie, bu the first one was better. still, The angels are more comfortable now. 3 stars
11/23/03 Mary P-U Reinforced my dislike for Camer, disappointed in Drew's choice to be in this crapper. 1 stars
11/22/03 he a good film but not great 3 stars
10/11/03 !BoRiNg! Its was stupid and lame 1 stars
10/07/03 it was so fantastic movie!!great! 4 stars
9/25/03 Jenna Furr What a letdown that this is harpy vomit, after first was so delightfully absurd! 1 stars
9/15/03 Carrie Kohl First is stupid in a fun and funny way. This is just stupid. 1 stars
9/14/03 Monica I'd just as soon see a crocodile swallow Helen Zass whole! 1 stars
9/12/03 Tiffany Faye Hawthorne Wish I could bury more of Drew's shitty flicks. Only Natalie was good this time. 1 stars
9/03/03 here beter then the first one 5 stars
9/02/03 Kitty B. u shoulda kept bill murray 1 stars
8/19/03 JJ from da block Where is freakin Kate, Jacky and Farrah dammit 1 stars
8/16/03 Red great 5 stars
8/13/03 Troy Butler Poor movie, ... but then again, ... that's not why we went to see it, now was it?! (Yummy)! 3 stars
8/09/03 Azza Mind numbing crap at its worst. 1 stars
7/29/03 Casey and Krissy The Movie Rules Mother Fuckers 5 stars
7/29/03 Charles Townsend This dissapointed even me!!!! 2 stars
7/23/03 Kooler Incoherant, occasionally fun. 3 stars
7/23/03 Shadaan Felfeli Jam packed with ridiculous impossibilities. Very entertaining ! 3 stars
7/22/03 Graham I didn't want to hit the director, which is as good as it gets this summer. Fun! 4 stars
7/21/03 Zargo not as good as the original.. still fun though 4 stars
7/19/03 Hottie I thought this was a GREAT movie and the actors did great also! 5 stars
7/18/03 Althalus The best movie so far this year. Matrix suck my d...k. 5 stars
7/17/03 Katie Roberts The 1st was gd fun, but this is complete crap, it has no story line, basically no point all 1 stars
7/15/03 sneaker Brainless? Yes. Fun? My word! It's Vin Diesel for girls. Fair's fair. 4 stars
7/11/03 Danielle Ophelia Filmed in loud strobes and hiccups...and a bit TOO Cameron-centric. Vastly underwhelming. 2 stars
7/09/03 Uncle Salty Charlies Fuglies: Demi is decent only since she is now a cyborg. 1 stars
7/08/03 Harpreet lots of T & A, not much plot. But I had a great time watching it and not having to think. 4 stars
7/08/03 Young critic junk...bottom line 1 stars
7/08/03 Todd Fuck you McG! Fuck you Camron! Fuck you Luci! and Fuck you Drew! Worst movie ever!!!!!!!! 1 stars
7/07/03 Trevor Ashman I loved every minute of it 5 stars
7/07/03 Hottie I thought this was a GREAT movie and the actors did great also! 5 stars
7/07/03 Emperor's New Clothes? Nope. Just a Fat, Ugly, Naked, Guy. Maybe our worthy reviewers see something us regular ol' viewers don't? Maybe not. 1 stars
7/07/03 Mike Glorified music video. Visual style my ass, Snider. 1 stars
7/06/03 adhump sucked enough for me to think about leaving30 mins into it .... 1 stars
7/04/03 vkm007 I CANNOT BELIEVE I PAID MONEY 1 stars
7/03/03 rog bad 1 stars
7/03/03 John Linton Roberson Someday, "stupid" will not justify crap's existence. 1 stars
7/03/03 R. Elizabeth Caulfield This movie was excellent, very comedic, very predictable yet comedic and fun. 5 stars
7/02/03 black leather jacket Was a fun film! Crank on the serious side alittle and you'd get a better film! 5 stars
7/02/03 ddd great i loved it 5 stars
7/02/03 snowconehead McG needs a new McJob other than McDirecting 3 stars
7/01/03 KingNeutron This is a perfect example of how NOT to make an action movie. 1 stars
7/01/03 MJM103171 i enjoyed it (first was bettter though) 4 stars
7/01/03 Obi Wan no way!! 1 stars
6/30/03 Cameron Johnson This movie is nothing but mindless T and A with an absolutely motiveless plot. 1 stars
6/30/03 i know movies i loved it sooo much i dont no wut yall are talkin bout 5 stars
6/30/03 KCobain Horrid 1 stars
6/29/03 ken real bad 1 stars
6/28/03 lebron avoid 1 stars
6/28/03 fdgdfgfd First movie was pretty bad, but this movie was even worse! 1 stars
6/28/03 The Kid Hollywood drivel at it worst. Even with four hot chicks mostly naked it was hard to watch. 1 stars
6/28/03 syrius eeehhhhh 2 stars
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  27-Jun-2003 (PG-13)



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