Bad Boys 2

Reviewed By Collin Souter
Posted 07/21/03 14:42:16

"This damn movie never's still playing...make it stop..."
1 stars (Total Crap)

I saw this movie on a dare. Seriously, somebody emailed me earlier this week and said, “I triple dog dare you to see ‘Bad Boys II’.” I am not one to turn down a movie dare. I am up for any movie challenge, be it a Josh Hartnett film festival or the Cremaster series. If I haven’t seen it and it carries a notorious reputation for being God-awful, I am up for the challenge. I can always hit back with something else (“Can’t Stop the Music” or “Scooby-Doo.” Take your pick.) This particular dare turned out to be a doozy. What torture, what an ordeal, what a loooooooooooooooong…long…long... I did some online research on the bastard responsible for this cinematic punch to the groin and found the he still keeps a journal, just like he did for “Pearl Harbor.” I compiled the best parts of his diary entries for your own research/entertainment. If you dare, the diary of Michael Bay:

DAY 1: Got my director’s license back. To celebrate, I punched a coke whore in the teeth.

DAY 4: Just had my mother read the script to “Bad Boys II” to me. I made sure she skipped all the talking parts and just read the action scenes. Had an epiphany: A shot that sees the action from a flying bullet’s point of view. In slo-mo. Three times. Sure, it’ll be a repeat of my groundbreaking bomb-falling-point-of-view shot from that battleship movie I made a few years ago, but who cares? By the way, yet another DVD copy of “Dr. Strangelove” has appeared on my doorstep. Every week it’s the same ole’ thing…

DAY 10: Had a great conversation with Will Smith today. Just asked him: “Can you do that thing you did in your last six movies? You know, that thing where you’re just reacting to things and making wisecracks? Forget that thing you did in ‘Al 1.’ You did something weird there and I didn’t get it.” He looked at me a little funny.

“Al 1? Don’t you mean ‘Ali’?”
“Ali? I thought it was a 1. Like there would be an ‘Al 2,’ or something. Go outside, you’re confusing me.”

DAY 14: Begged the studio to let me make a movie about 9/11. “No,” they said. “But you can reference 9/11 in the screenplay to ‘Bad Boys II’ if you like.” Do they not understand the commercial possibilities like I do?

DAY 29: Started shooting today. Literally. HA! That’s a joke, asshole. Anyway, we did some improv on the screenplay. That’s a term actors say, but it sounds too Russian to me. “Just make stuff up,” I say. I made a wish list of lines I would like to hear:
“Get ready to shoot.”
“Start shooting.”
“Shoot the outside.”
“Now that’s what I call shooting.”
“Shoot, shoot, shoot.”
“Where did you learn to shoot?”
“You shot me.”
“I didn’t shoot you.”
“Yes you did, you shot me.”
“A man’s been shot.”
“Don’t shoot.”
“Shoot him.”
“I’ll shoot you in the back of the head.”
“Why aren’t you shooting?”
“Who shot him?”
“I shot him.”

DAY 60: Somehow, and I don’t know how, but a woman came onto the set and started acting. I thought we agreed no woman of substance would appear in any of my movies. Ever. Wouldn’t you know it though, she was written into the script. I took care of that, no problem. Sure, she’s a cop too, but we can dumb her down a bit, make her all hot. That’s all people want anyway. As long as the critics at Maxim are happy.

DAY 81-82: Did some X and watched my favorite movie, “Bustin’ Loose,” with Richard Pryor. That’s the movie where he’s a school bus driver and ends up at a Ku-Klux-Klan rally. I write a similar scene into “Bad Boys II.” I also work in my blue-tinted neon drug trip. I woke up the next morning with my penis stuck in my beloved MTV Movie Award. Again.

DAY 90: Martin Lawrence asked me if we could make a “Bad Boys III” when he’s done with “Big Momma’s House 2.” I can tell he really wants to prove himself to the critics. Don’t we all, Martin. Don’t we all.

DAY 111: Took a day off from filming today. Spent it in a nice, quiet coffee shop reading Persuasion, by Jane Austin. I noticed a quaint little semi truck sitting across the street. There it was. Just sitting there. Minding its own business. Mocking me. The truck started to mock me. It laughed at me. Why was it laughing at me? I couldn’t take it anymore. I lobbed ten grenades in its direction and blew the fucker to kingdom come. That’ll show it!

Luckily, I had ten cameras rolling as well. We cut it together, worked it into the movie and nobody seems to notice it has nothing to do with anything.

DAY 160: Saw “Gods and Generals” today, the Director’s Cut. I figure if I can make a movie only half as long, but one that feels twice as long, then I will be a genius. I make it my goal.

DAY 220: I decide to throw in some villains, just for the sake of continuity. I get Jordi Molla to play a Cuban-born drug czar with a mortuary and Peter Stormare to play a Russian mobster named Alexei. I’m 99% sure I am the only person in the history of Hollywood action movies to have these two kinds of characters in a movie. I’m pretty sure.

DAY 241: I decide I need at least six more action scenes if I’m going to get this movie to work. I’m tired of all these talking scenes between all these actors. All they ever do is rehearse and talk and go over the scene. Can’t we just blow things up? I tried “the talking scenes” in that war movie and I got in trouble. I don’t want that to happen again. Joe Pantoliano showed up today to play the frustrated police supervisor. Again, more talking.

DAY 286: Began post-production editing. My first editor let an entire shot run over four seconds. Four whole seconds. What am I? Kubrick? That’s just plain ludicrous. If kids don’t see a cut after three seconds, they lose interest. They look at the time on their cell phones and figure this movie is “too artsy.” That’s just not me. I can’t make a movie like that. We need cuts, fast ones, ones that run every one or two, maybe three seconds. Cuts. Cuts. Cuts. That’s what the kids want. We’re competing with MTV, the internet, cell phones, MP3s, X, pornography, PlayStation…We need to keep the attention of the kids. When something lingers more than a second, it’s time to start thinking about the next image, and I mean NOW! Sure, it’s a Rated-R movie and kids are too young for it, but still…adults are pretty stupid too, when you think about it. Fast, fast, fast, cut, cut, cut, die, die, die!!!

DAY 350: The first cut comes in at 121 minutes. 121 minutes of straight blow-shit-up and I couldn’t be happier. Then Bruckheimer brings in Ron Shelton to add some “character stuff,” so we can pad the movie out to about 2 ˝ hours. I don’t know what he’s talking about, but I don’t argue it. This is guy behind “Bad Company.” He knows what he’s talking about.

DAY 352: I suggest also padding the movie out with tons of slo-mo shots of Will Smith emptying his cartridge of bullets and looking like Jesus.

DAY 361: We got the actors back to shoot the “character stuff” that Shelton wrote.

DAY 362: Finished the “character stuff.”

DAY 363: Added the “character stuff” into the final cut.

DAY 364: With the “character stuff,” the final cut turns out to be 146 minutes.

DAY 365: Ron Shelton punches me.

DAY 405: Opening day. The reviews are in. “Bad Boys II” does not suffer by comparison with the first “Bad Boys” movie. In fact, most critics don’t even link the two together. For the most part, the sequel stands on its own as “cinematic anal gang-rape followed by several punches to the groin,” to quote critic Collin Souter. He also called it “Loud, crass, shrill commercial filmmaking at its worst.” Although he did praise it as “only slightly less pleasant than the first half of ‘Irreversible.’” Hey, he said slightly less.

No matter. We can always count on Tony Toscano of Talking Pictures and Wendy Wheaton of The Hollywood Scoop to give us some good quotes. It’s out of my hands anyway. I made my movie. Now, I’m off to completely bastardize the horror classic “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”


If you’d like to read the “Pearl Harbor diaries,” you can do so by going to:

Personally, I could never triple-dog dare anybody to see this movie. I would rather you press your tongue onto a flagpole in the freezing cold and let it stick for at least an hour. That would rest easier on my conscience. I could sleep at night if I put somebody up to that. But this, no. No, you should really stay away. Be happy with your life. Live it. Enjoy your time on God’s great earth. Love the one you’re with. I triple dog dare you to NOT see this movie. There. That should do it.

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