Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, TheReviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 05/18/00 01:46:28
For countless thousands, even millions, to get the chance to make a big budget movie is something they'd only dream of. If they actually got the chance, they'd give it everything they had to try to make something people would applaud. This makes it even more shameful that a group of people, from studio knobs down to the director, to the writers, to the cast, have gone out, taken their thirty pieces of silver, and not only desecrated a childhood icon, but desecrated it without even trying to create something that people could enjoy watching. With Batman And Robin, Joel Shumacher was creating a homoerotic fantasy world. It was dumb, but he was trying to at least create something. With The Flinstones 2, Brian Levant has created nothing more than nausea and a way for audience's to subtract a few hours off their productive lives. Quite honestly, you'll be dumber for the experience.When the first Flintstones flick turned a profit, it was a surprise to a lot of people. Almost everyone assumed it would crash and burn and somehow, like a car wreck that people paid seven bucks a head to see, it turned a profit.
When a prequel was announced, starring Mark "fat one from the Full Monty" Addy and the lesser Baldwin brother (you know, the one whose face wrings itself when he smiles), you could sense the inevitable bomb approaching. Watching this one come to fruition was like looking at the ground and seeing a little spot of shadow slowly get bigger and bigger and bigger until you realise you're about to get smooshed on the bonce by a nuclear warhead.
And baby, Flinstones 2 is as nuclear a bomb as it gets. All within the blast radius will go home, lose hair and vomit up their insides for months. The scars won't wash away. You'll be seen as a "Flinstones 2 survivor" and people will chase you off their property with shotguns.
Mark Addy is Fred Flintstone. In other words, he's fat and has a flat head. Stephen Baldwin is not Barney Rubble. In fact, if you know exactly what Stephen Baldwin is, email me at email@example.com and let me know. I've looked in books and I can't find the breed. He's like the kid that would come out of the Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thornton marriage, if Jolie was on crack at the time of birth. He is the lesser Baldwin in every respect. The others, even the fat one who wrecks hotel rooms in cocaine frenzies, look like 1940's film stars; elegant, suave, brooding. Stephen looks like the one who got sat on in the nest too long. Stephen looks like he ran into a swing set as a toddler. What's the difference between a homeless person and Stephen Baldwin? The homeless guy wants a roof over his head. Stephen Baldwin wants one over his mouth.
Moving on, one actor who doesn't shame herself here is Jane Krakowski, playing the role of Betty Rubble. Damn, who knew she could be this hot? She's sizzlin'. Kristen Thomson, on the other hand, bites the big one as Wilma. Oy, I'm not usually one to advise plastic surgery to anyone, short of the horrendously burned, but Kristen (and I say this with total care for your career in mind), when you smile you look like you've been freshly punched in the face. A new nose, trust me, would be career gold.
Moving on, the script. Written by the folks behind Can't Hardly Wait, Deb Kaplan and Harry Elfont, you couldn't really expect much. You couldn't really expect anything. And that's exactly what you get. Two hours of awful "rock" puns. That's all. If you took your three year old sister's favourite teddy away and threatened to gut it with a tomahwak unless she wrote a screenplay, in crayon, right there and then, you'd have something of about the level that the Kaplan/Elfont team have constructed. This is an utter mess. I'm a hack, but I wouldn't have allowed my name on this garbage. It's not even close to entertaining, not even close to funny, and if the best they can do to start proceedings off is to open with a brontosaurus farting people through the air, you know the writers are in severe "writer's block" territory.
"Sorry boss, since you cut that the dinosaurs are coming... everybody swim for it line, we got nothin'."
"Well, just stick a fart joke in there."
The story involves how Betty & Barney and Fred & Wilma met, how Wilma's rich mom wanted Fred out of the picture and how the evil rich kid, Chip Rockafella, tries to doublecross Fred into leaving Wilma by driving Fred broke at his casino. I don't think I'm alone in saying this, but I feel I must say it just because it fucking-well needs saying. WHO THE HELL CARES?!?!?!
People, there's nothin' going on here. Awful direction, terrible casting and acting, some shoddy effects and the cheapest gags since the last Norm McDonald movie, The Flintstones 2 is moviemaking at its absolute lowest level. The bottom of the barrel is scraped clean. Proof positive that anyone can make it big in Hollywood. Evidence that nobody can commit a crime awful enough these days to see their career in film destroyed with one flop.Very fucking shoddy. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
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