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Overall Rating

Awesome: 11.11%
Worth A Look: 11.11%
Average: 11.11%
Pretty Bad: 0%
Total Crap66.67%

1 review, 3 user ratings

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Cannibal Rollerbabes
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by Chris Parry

"I love a good cannibal movie. This, however, is not a good cannibal movie."
1 stars

Okay sure, Cannibal Rollerbabes is low budget. And yeah, it's not particularly aiming for the stars. And maybe there is an audience for this kind of movie that gets something I don't... But I really didn't enjoy the Cannibal Rollerbabes experience. I've seen plenty of low budget schlock flicks that I could enjoy despite their production limitations - most of these have plenty of humor, some titilation and a sense of fun about them - but all you can really say in support of Cannibal Rollerbabes is that it's commendable that the filmmakers managed to complete it.

So two city boobs (John Sorbera and Mark Tyler) are spending a few days in the woods, kicking up their heels and doing some fishing, when their fun is suddenly interrupted. One of them pulls a bottle out of the water to find that it contains a note from a guy claiming he's being held hostage on an island ruled by cannibal chicks.

Now, you and me might have laughed at the note, thrown the bottle away and looked for cod. But in Cannibal Rollerbabe world, the hero of the hour rushes off to Johnny Law, reports the incident, gets laughed at, and ends up being attacked by a masked man leading a gang of rollerskating bimbos.

If that makes no sense to you, you're not alone. Clearly this is a film that was made more so that the filmmakers could say they'd made a movie, rather than for any artistic purposes.

Produced and directed by Kalman Szegvary, and written by Behind Enemy Lines scribe Jason Wolthuizen, Cannibal Rollerbabes has been released on 'Collector's Widescreen Edition DVD' (though why you'd collect a movie this bad is beyond me, widescreen or not), complete with the words "Lisa was seen on Howard Stern" splashed on the front and back of the cover.

The Lisa being referred to is a former Playboy Playmate, Lisa Heughan, who plays Spike, one of the cannibal babes. According to hilarious the disclaimer on the back of the DVD, the producers are not "inferring that, The Howard Stern E! Show, the Howard Stern Radio Show and/or Mr Howard Stern himself" in any way endorses or recommends Cannibal Rollerbabes. It goes on to say that, "It is public knowledge that actress Lisa Heughan appeared as 'Lisa the Blind Playboy Playmate'" on the Stern show on April 20 1999, where the movie was mentioned.

And if that doesn't make you want to buy the film, what will?!!

The rotten core of this film comes from the head villain of the piece, Atman (Paul Noiles), who is also the town Mayor (that's supposed to be a surprise, but it isn't). He's so over the top as to be completely annoying, and he wears a pink mask that covers about 10% of his face whenever he wants to be inconspicuous. Frankly, you'd need to be kicked out of the special school for bringing down the average to not be able to tell straight off the bat who this dude really is under his mask.

Lead John Sorbera proves that he has a big future in Troma films with the kind of acting turn that John Travolta has been making famous of late - that being 'awful' - and the film is edited with all the artistic flair of a four-year-old running with scissors.

Ultimately, I would have loved to have told you all that I just discovered a great schlock classic that will make you laugh and be something you can share with you buddies... but I can't. Cannibal Rollerbabes is as bad as the title suggests. Heck, there's not even a whole lot of rollerblading in it.

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originally posted: 09/14/03 11:02:31
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User Comments

10/27/03 NIkki Smith Yes a cheap movie but great attempt and potential for late night humour and entertainment 4 stars
10/25/03 David & Adam The title sequence rocks!!! 5 stars
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  26-Jul-2003 (R)



Directed by
  Kalman Svegvary

Written by
  Jason Wolthuizen

  Lisa Heughan
  John Sorbera
  Mark Tyler
  Paul Noiles
  Paul Griffin

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