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Overall Rating

Awesome: 4.38%
Worth A Look: 3.75%
Average: 6.25%
Pretty Bad: 9.38%
Total Crap76.25%

7 reviews, 118 user ratings

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Cat in the Hat, The
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by Chris Parry

"Burn the negatives. Burn them 'til they're dead."
1 stars

I quite enjoy watching bad movies. It's always been a bit of a personal kink of mine to watch a film that I know will truly stink, because then I get to come out and tell the world how bad it was, thereby taking some aggression out on the worst of the film industry. In my humble opinion, it's very hard to make a great movie, but it's really easy to *try* to make a great movie. If you try and fail, you get a passing grade for the effort. But if you don't even try, if you just churn out crap for the dumbest consumers out there, the people that will pay to see a movie even after the critics have carpetbombed it - if that's your target audience and your level of quality... I'm ready to dropkick your ass in print. All of chich brings us to The Cat in the Hat, quite possibly the worst waste of time, money, and concept seen since... well, ever. This is a movie that is so bad, I couldn't finish it. even for professional reasons, I just couldn't subject myself to any more than an hour of it. It hurt that bad.

Oh, sure, the pursists now have their chance to beat on me a little - "he didn't even watch it through to the end! How can he review it?" A decent question, but one that is simple to answer; do I really need to stick a knitting needle all the way through my eye to know that it hurts? Should I take my shoes off an jump up and down on broken glass for an hour, just in case it gets any better after a while? Does a serial murderer become a community leader once he's made it past victim #28?

No. Bad is bad, especially when it's this bad. Quite frankly, if the Cat in the Hat became American Beauty meets Citizen Kane in the last hour, it still wouldn't make up for the reprehensible besmirching of the Dr Seuss name that takes place in the first. Let's run down the list of things that are out of place here: 1) Fart jokes. 2) Ass crack. 3) Sexual innuendo... with children. 4) Projectile vomit. 5) Swearing. 6) Dismemberment.

I guess I just missed those pages when I was reading the books this garbage was supposedly based on, but then again, considering the amount of raunch in the film, perhaps I can assume those pages were stuck together...

The Cat (showing off his car): Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally: S-L-O-W?
The Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter?
Conrad: Oh, you mean...
The Cat: NO!

This film, which I willingly exposed myself to, even though I'd seen the reviews, is as vile and ugly and without worth as anything that has come off a terrorist's home video camera in downtown Mosul. Exposing your kids to the nastiness therein is somewhat akin to sitting them down in a cardboard box full of cockroaches and saying, "get comfortable." It is abuse of the most horrid level. The Cat in the Hat is supposed to be a children's classic book, at least that's how I remember it, but after seeing the film version, I now have no good memories of Dr Seuss. Instead, I rock back and forth, mumbling something about 'the voices' while peeing my pants uncontrollably and stabbing the back of my hand with a spork.

The Cat: Wow! This is just like the carnival, just without the abused animals and the drunken clowns with hepatitis.

Storyline: Mom has left the kids with a babysitter so she can work, with explicit instructions having been given that the youngsters are not to go near the living room, which has been cleaned up for an office party later that night. Suddenly, there's a six foot cat in the house, and he's fairly determined to make trouble. Oh, and the goldfish talks. don't ask me why, he just does. I think it's to give comic relief, but instead of being funny, he pretty much just gets as exasperated as the audience at what's going on in the house.

The Cat: C'mon kids, you're gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!

An abomination this huge could only happen when you give a first time director and long time production designer a huge budget and no sensible person to watch over them. But Bo Welch can't take the full brunt of responsibility for this nightmare - the incompetent boobs that put their name to this screenplay (and those that didn't) have to take a large dose of unemployment for their part in the mess. Alec Berg, David Mandel and Jeff Schaffer (yes, thje guys that brought you that children's classic, Eurotrip) - shame on you all! To go from Seinfeld to this is the sign of a group of men hellbent on career self-destruction. Seek help. Lay off the coke. Don't have children.

Kids: She's the babysitter.
The Cat: You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting...

Yes people, that's the level of screenplay we're dealing with here. It is utterly unfunny, and the most unfunny aspect of it is Mike Myers himself, who engages in as much brutalizing of the audience with his terrible schtick as his namesake does in any number of Halloween movies. Myers starts the Cat off with a NewYork Jewish accent, then switches to Scottish, then goes back to Dr Evil, then Austin powers, then Wayne from Wayne's World - all without any actual attempt at homage. It's just really bad characterization mixed in with really bad script and really bad performance.

Added to which - he looks NOTHING like a cat! The original Cat in the Hat was tall and skinny with short hair - this one looks like someone has beaned him in the face with a shovel and then sprayed hair growth formula all over it. Which, when you think about it, makes him look a little like Cameron Diaz. Hmm.

[after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver]
The Cat: Son of a (beep)!

Damn right, son of a bleep. The Cat in the Hat cost an estimated $130m to make, and it earned back about $20m less, which is about $109m more than it should have. I've seen snuff films that were easier on my delicate densibilities. I've had more fun being run over by a passing car. In years to come, people will look back on The Cat in the Hat with as much admiration and respect as they look back on Pol Pot. And that such a hideous mess can be made of one of the most widely read and well loved children's book characters goes beyond the pale.

Let me repeat - the people that funded this film spent $130m on the writers of EuroTrip and a first time director. I don't suppose anyone should be surprised that it sucked ass.

I've only walked out on three films in my life; Salo: The 120 Days of Sodom, Blood Sucking Freaks, and this one. And that should tell you all you need to know about whether it's worth renting for your children.

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originally posted: 12/11/04 10:45:58
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User Comments

1/10/16 C.J. Really bad. 1 stars
10/16/15 Zeke Brown Worst audience insulting piece of crap I've ever had the displeasure to witness. 1 stars
3/09/15 Jared SHIT from beginning to end 1 stars
12/24/14 I Know More Than You Really really crap. And I have a high crap tolerance. 1 stars
8/11/14 Mario is the Best Awesome!! One of the best movies I've ever seen! Not joking. 5 stars
3/11/14 Dalen the Crusader Alvin and the Chipmunks is better than this, AND I HATE THAT MOVIE TOO! 1 stars
2/01/14 Xwdlhqjz The signature bank mark connected why this hasn't been handled after i called in the day be 4 stars
10/14/13 Twilight Sparkle THIS MOVIE IS TERRIBLE! 1 stars
4/24/13 nathaniel multiple adult jokes 1 stars
4/23/12 Noah Eckenrode Total Fucking Shit! 1 stars
9/05/11 Lizzie This film was so bad, the other film, Shark Tale, laughed at its ass! 1 stars
8/25/11 TWD You're not just wrong, you're stupid! 5 stars
8/05/11 max you inner child will be violated,HARD and WITHOU MERCY 1 stars
2/04/11 Danni cat in the hate is purely amazing. 5 stars
4/15/10 Tim C Appalling, just appalling. Seriously, "S.H.I.T." as an acronym for the Cat's car? Painful. 1 stars
5/30/09 Muse They should of kept it as a book...Purely discusting. 1 stars
12/04/08 Rac Ew. This was SUPPOSSED to be a KIDS movie. Cursing, sex jokes! What were they thinking? 1 stars
11/01/08 Shaun Wallner This movie was stupid! 1 stars
9/15/08 Ashley the movie should not be for children. 2 stars
7/02/08 jointz Hey Souter, we get it, you hate MJ! Now why not focus on your actual film review? 1 stars
6/11/07 Sugarfoot A bad idea made into a a very bad movie. 1 stars
5/20/07 Faye Good Lord, this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. 1 stars
4/04/07 David Pollastrini Stick with the book! 2 stars
2/16/07 Vip Ebriega Cat has a some screws loose, but makes good fun for kiddies. 3 stars
11/30/06 Stanley Thai Although not appropriate to kids, this is an insanley funny film. 4 stars
10/01/06 Ryan_A Day-glo hell. Geisel is spinning. 1 stars
9/20/06 SkyBabey12 Okie EXCUSE ME? ! Cat In The Hat is a great movie ! i am 19 years old and Enjoy'd this movi 1 stars
7/19/06 Joanie bad as Battlefield 1 stars
7/11/06 David Cohen I am only glad Dr. Suess did not live to see this 1 stars
5/06/06 Cuenzie Wunzie N-n-n-not as crappy as you think . worth while 4 stars
12/28/05 Jeff Anderson Pure tripe, joyless, annoying & Myers goes WAY overboard. A disaster of all disasters!!!!!! 1 stars
12/10/05 The Grinch Mike Myers phones it in. Not THAT bad, but pretty unnecessary 3 stars
10/20/05 PAG Terrible kids movie. Unwatchable. 1 stars
7/19/05 Brandy Harrington No no no no no no no no no no no no non no no no no no no no no no no. 1 stars
5/25/05 Jake It's So bad that's it's fun to watch. 2 stars
5/24/05 peter worst ever EVER arrch 1 stars
5/18/05 Cindy Lovell at least my son liked it 3 stars
5/15/05 Graeme I thought this movie was pretty funny; Alec Baldwin was a humourous villain. 3 stars
4/23/05 Heather Tarlecky I thought it was worth seeing 4 stars
4/15/05 craig varney smells like a soiled cat box 1 stars
4/05/05 kalamazoo Dr. Suess is turning in his grave. 1 stars
3/28/05 Zelemont WOW. ridiculously awful movie.... 1 stars
3/24/05 Holly Dawson very ho-hum. took forever to end! 2 stars
3/24/05 Colleen Goldrick cute for the kiddies 3 stars
3/23/05 Sharon Sharen not a adult movie to any degree, kid didnt like either 1 stars
3/16/05 tatum Myers made me laugh just enough 3 stars
3/10/05 Steph wierd... 3 stars
2/23/05 Colleen Goldrick Kids will love it, adults oh well 3 stars
2/05/05 Susan Chamberlain It was worth watching to know not to watch it again 2 stars
1/29/05 terri shaw Austin Powers in a cat suit, yuck!! To much induendo for a kids movie and to lame for adul 1 stars
1/16/05 Jeff Anderson THE ABSOLUTE PITS!!! I can't express my outright disgust for this film enough. D.O.A. 1 stars
12/12/04 AlbieOne Torture,,,,,pure Torture. 1 stars
11/17/04 psycho black dwarf Myers' voice is Linda Richmond meets Charles Nelson Riley w/ hairballs...blech! 1 stars
9/21/04 Zee this film was amazing 5 stars
8/23/04 Bruce Lamb very depressing 1 stars
8/06/04 ELI Jeeeeeeeeez. I didn't know a movie could suck THAT bad 1 stars
7/22/04 Moblar Review kicks ass, movie sucks balls. 1 stars
7/20/04 Valerie White What a dissapointment! 1 stars
7/20/04 N. Christopher Bell It offends me that his dialogue was written to sound "Jewish". What, didn't ebonics work? 1 stars
7/06/04 Spiderfan720 Man, the funniest thing they could come up with was "almost cuss". NO HUMOR HERE!!! 1 stars
7/06/04 tyger,tyger how many ways can a movie suck, this has'em all 1 stars
7/06/04 Talonsoft This could be the worst movie ever made 1 stars
5/31/04 Troy Kuprash Laughed Hard At Times, Other Times I Cried 3 stars
5/17/04 jayden dr suess is a fucken asshole and a dickhead 1 stars
5/17/04 intelligent single woman Shame on you Mike Myers and Kelly Preston---totally vile and fucking retarded! 1 stars
5/01/04 susan lee book ruled, dr seuss probably turning in grave 1 stars
4/27/04 4x4 Wife walked out after 20 min. 8 year old begged to leave after 30. Ruined a good nap. 1 stars
4/24/04 Terry H Inane, lascivious and completely unnecessary! Mike butchered this one. 1 stars
4/18/04 American Slasher Goddess Even worse then I imagined. 1 stars
4/15/04 Jeff MacIver Pathetic. Even worse than the excremental Grinch remake. 1 stars
4/14/04 barry mcmullen my little brother asked me to explain rather rude jokes my other brother was laughing at 1 stars
4/11/04 Wildcarde1 even my 3 year old was offended just really really bad 1 stars
4/08/04 i strongly dislike the cat in the hat fuck u producers! wat kind of fucking assholes r u, goddamn it? 1 stars
4/08/04 el yo sharta The book was better! No sharting again! what is wrong with hollywood? 2 stars
3/28/04 emily excellent best film i have seen,its realy funny and percy! 5 stars
3/27/04 Brian Horn Kids loved it. Not sure they get the dialogue, but the antics & effects keep them watching 4 stars
3/22/04 David Bakker Very funny for Canadians who get real humour. 5 stars
3/08/04 movieguy a great film for kids 5 stars
3/07/04 fug i want my 75 mins of life back 1 stars
3/05/04 matthew all involved in this junk should burn in hell 1 stars
2/23/04 Naturezrevenge Disturbing. 1 stars
1/18/04 matt n fliss a pile of festering poo 1 stars
1/14/04 Blythe Guvenen Yuck! The money used making this movie could have been put towards breast cancer research! 1 stars
1/13/04 MelissaNYC Only parents who truly hate their children take them to watch this shit feast. 1 stars
12/31/03 throwup181 Sucks dick 1 stars
12/27/03 Edler Mike Myers sucks major ass. His career is ober!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
12/26/03 Vanilla Ice People need to quit doggin' me so much and focus their anger on this piece of crap... 1 stars
12/21/03 Jennifer Jones totally inappropriate for any child; Not even close to the book 1 stars
12/14/03 movieman This movie is bullshit. Bullshit. BULLSHIT! 1 stars
12/10/03 i dislike the cat in the hat i think they should have sat 2 stars
12/09/03 Dana Carvey I can't fucking believe it! Someone finally made a worse film than my Master of Disguise! 1 stars
12/06/03 Bob Cratchet This films sucks ass. Please don't bother paying to see it. DO NOT take small children!!! 1 stars
12/05/03 Jacque Disgusting....sexual overtones...creepy 1 stars
12/03/03 paul williams Worst movie I have ever seen in my entire away! Shame on you hollywood 1 stars
12/02/03 (anonymous) yuck! this movie was beyond awful 1 stars
12/02/03 Chris I was so disappointed. Families run away. The sets though were cool but see The Grinch. 2 stars
12/02/03 kawaii50 There was a bit to much Austin Powers coming out of that cat! 3 stars
12/02/03 Matt Norris It's supposed to be campy and over the top. That's what makes it funny 4 stars
12/01/03 Mark A disgusting abomination! 1 stars
12/01/03 critic jim carry would have been much better 1 stars
11/30/03 john an insult to the audience 1 stars
11/29/03 Jack the Dagger worst movie ever 1 stars
11/28/03 Mike A testament to the breakdown of modern civilization. 1 stars
11/28/03 Donald Hyperactive does not mean "funny". Chaotic and boring. 1 stars
11/27/03 Chance Terrible. They should be ashamed. No more Suess movies 1 stars
11/27/03 Lord Jiggy haven't seen the movie, but Collin's review rocked! 1 stars
11/27/03 Dave Where will you be when your laxative kicks in... 1 stars
11/27/03 me a bad film 1 stars
11/25/03 Eric S. Who shat in the hat? 1 stars
11/25/03 KingNeutron Wow, ScottW - stop holding back, tell us what you REALLY think! ;-) 1 stars
11/25/03 Alfred Richard I have known DETERGENTS that have left a better film than this piece of cowflop. 1 stars
11/25/03 the lol man mike Myers should hang, period. 1 stars
11/24/03 Rose Kaleski Not ment for children 1 stars
11/23/03 horndog and you thought the Grinch was as bad as it could get.....fool!! 1 stars
11/22/03 Jack the Dagger worst movie I have seen all year. Embarassing..Mike Myers should hang his head in shame 1 stars
11/22/03 Brian wow, i was actually expecting something good... 1 stars
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  21-Nov-2003 (PG)
  DVD: 16-Mar-2004



Directed by
  Bo Welch

Written by
  Alec Berg
  Jeff Schaffer
  Dave Mandel

  Mike Myers
  Spencer Breslin
  Dakota Fanning
  Alec Baldwin
  Kelly Preston
  Sean Hayes

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