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Overall Rating
2.1

Awesome: 5.21%
Worth A Look: 10.42%
Average: 12.5%
Pretty Bad: 33.33%
Total Crap38.54%

5 reviews, 66 user ratings


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Lost in Space
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Chris Parry

"I hate you, Akiva. I bet the animatronic monkey was your idea."
2 stars

A great idea, and the beginnings of a great cast, thrown into a bucket with the the sloppiest writers and pseudo-stars the world has known. A fantastic project completely fucked over by people who by some outrageous twist of evil fate have the power in Hollywood. Akiva Goldsman, I want your head nailed to my front door.

Let's get to the good about Lost In Space, because it does have some good points.

Gary Oldman is a good point. A great Doctor Smith - not too gay, not too evil, still kinda stupid and nasty, good pick.

Heather Graham - Aaaaaaw yeah. You won't get a complaint from me about the Honey Graham. She makes the world go round.

Mimi Rogers as Mama Robinson is also a good pick. Mimi needs the work, let's face it, she has never got her due in the biz. She's always been kinda sorta big but not really. And it must be said.. Mimi has an outrageously huge set of lips and a rack that would make Anna Nicole Smith throw down her chicken drumstick and applaud. Ever since Tom Cruise ditched Mimi to join a cult and pretend he's married to someone else, she's been trying to make it happen all over again, and bless her, even in the crappiest TV movie she gives her all, even if it involves gratutitous nudity (Full Body Massage - find it, rent it, make yourself a copy). She's at it again here, trying hard to make the script sound less moronic.

William Hurt as boring old Papa Robinson, well, he's kinda tired and one note, but the character he plays is the same, as were all the characters in the original, so he works. The kid that plays his son, aces. Perfect. Spot on.

So we're looking good thus far. But then the studio got involved.

I guess they figured that a top line cast like the above wouldn't bring in the punters, so they raided the pantry of two "hit" TV sitcoms and brought us two people who "the kids" could relate to. Matt "Mr Emotion" LeBlanc and Lacey "If I Hear Her Voice Again I Will Go Fetal" Chabert, from Friends and Party Of Five respectively.

These two talentless hacks could turn fresh milk lumpy. They could turn green grass brown. They could turn Shakespeare into Barb Wire. They sure as hell turn my lunch to bile.

Then I guess the studio, owing so much to Akivva Goldsman for ruining the Batman franchise, had to go and let him touch the script AND produce the whole tawdry exercise. It shows. You can actually see the scenes that Goldsman would have added. They're the pointless, tacky ones, with awful dialogue, that mean nothing to the story and ebd up taking something that's running along smoothly and make it something that will have people sit shaking their heads.

In Akiva's world, gravity does not exist. Nor do the laws of physics. Nor do the usual rules of storyline. Anything can happen, and usually only the most outlandish possibility does. In Akiva's world, every man can time travel. In Akiva's world, a computer can take over the world's satellite systems and change weather patterns. In Akiva's world, women talk like men.

In Akiva's world, the devil owns our souls and the popcorn tastes like poop.

Unfortunately, Hollywood is Akiva's world.

I'm sorry this wasn't the career-maker, Mimi. Keep trying. It'll happen. They can't hold you down forever.

This movie, for all it's fine attempts at being one of the few decent remakes of an old theme (and God have there been some stinkers) is a bucket of rusty thumbtacks. Slow-moving, unattractive, uninteresting, and only scary if you're actually in it.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=86&reviewer=1
originally posted: 12/16/98 13:27:08
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TV to Screen: For more in the TV to Screen series, click here.

User Comments

8/11/11 larsen It's Lost in "SPACE", not TIME! Indeed! Bubble-headed boobies! Oh, the pain. The pain. 1 stars
2/21/11 art only saving grace,was LACEY CHABERT'S CUTE performance as neglected middle child PENNY. 3 stars
1/08/10 George A real stinker. 1 stars
12/04/08 Shaun Wallner This movie was stupid! 1 stars
10/25/07 Billie Bob Enjoyable, Fun. The Critics will always find something to criticize 4 stars
7/05/07 Chariot57 Movie is complete crap talk about role reversal Rogers is a bitch and Hurt is a Whimp 1 stars
4/26/07 Abs Total rubbish waste of time... 1 stars
2/19/07 Nick Maday I think the only reason I like this is because I saw it when I was a kid. 4 stars
6/15/06 drydock54321 I hate it when they retell the origin when they make a big screen version of a series 3 stars
8/18/05 ES man has the ability to travel to other stars, yet they only travel through time?= Star Trek 2 stars
6/18/05 Thomas Semesky Makes the TV version seem like Shakespeare in comparison!! 2 stars
4/18/05 Jeff Anderson Okay, so it wasn't as good as the series, but so what. I enjoyed it, so lighten up people. 4 stars
3/27/05 Pierre Script is unimpressive, but Gary Oldman can redeem a lot. There is better and worse here 3 stars
12/16/04 BRET Well lets burn the master negative this was B.A.D. 1 stars
8/02/04 Raf Milis I like this movie..although the ending is crap and Hurt is playing like a turtle on crack.. 4 stars
5/25/04 Sageev Some stupid dialog, but very good sci-fi & true to the original 4 stars
5/09/04 DM I'll just sit at home and watch the TV show - it was SUPPOSED to be funny 1 stars
4/19/04 Elizabeth After all these years it's still one of my favourite movies. 5 stars
3/22/04 Roger C'mon guys! A little childish sometimes but all in all not that bad. 4 stars
9/26/03 Anthony I did walk out on this the first time around. On dvd the special features justify watching 4 stars
9/22/03 kill quacky this movie sucked ass it fucked the tv show up,sucks is taking it lightly. 1 stars
9/14/03 r Damned yellow alien. It's the devil of marketing, I tell you. 2 stars
8/04/03 punjab total pish-le blanc is an arsehole 1 stars
4/19/03 Ubu the Ripper If not for Oldman this movie would suck. Hurt seems like he's on prozac the entire film. 2 stars
12/02/02 Mike Awful AND boring. And that girl's voice! Kill me! 1 stars
11/23/02 Charles Tatum I unabashedly loved this thing! 5 stars
6/22/02 qtpie good 4 stars
4/03/02 Butterbean This is as bad as people say. Not even Oldman can help this one. 2 stars
1/06/02 Andrew Carden Rip-Offs The Original In A Bad Waste Of Uncreative Specialties. 1 stars
9/09/01 Neil Pickup This is possibly the Worst film I have ever seen. Can I give no stars? 1 stars
9/01/01 Connoisseur I'm giving it five stars because of the effects and neat story 5 stars
8/06/01 badfish Great special effects,If it wasnt for that lame Blarp,Id have given it 5 stars 4 stars
6/05/01 Roy Smith Oldman's cool, Chabert is sexy (yes!) but the movie blows dead bears. 2 stars
5/05/01 Gracy Lionheart Boring...The movie was annoying. (I normally like Sci-Fi, but this blew) 1 stars
2/03/01 viking Warning ! Warning ! Another Classic TV series is ruthlessly exploited !!!! 2 stars
1/22/01 Ro Worth it for mean and moody Gary Oldman. Otherwise, 100% Fuckshit. 1 stars
12/06/00 Cristopher Revilla David, are you an asshole, or don't know how to watch movies? 'cuz this movie's total shit 1 stars
11/29/00 The Evil Penguin wow, David Rogers. You ARE all of the above 1 stars
8/03/00 Lacie Wright The ending sucked dead bears, who can understand it? Yeesh! But, overall I loved this movie 4 stars
5/04/00 Hi there Gosh, David Rogers, tell us how you really feel. 1 stars
4/17/00 BB-15 David Rogers is either a liar, a fag, or a mental patient. Probably all of the above. 1 stars
4/04/00 Girl9 Worst movie...you couldn't even pay me to watch this piece of shite again... 1 stars
2/08/00 Richard Wright Based-on-TV films reach a new height of crapness. Complete shit in every way. 1 stars
1/04/00 Truth Man If this movie was a dog it would have been euthanised and put out of it's misery. 1 stars
12/23/99 bullit17 And you thought Sci-fi crap couldn't get any worse than Fifth Element 1 stars
12/04/99 PervertedPixie Well someone had to stick up for this film. Dr. Smith rules! Long live whaked-out sfi!! 5 stars
11/04/99 Mickey "Father Death" MacJohnstmyster Better than the t.v show , not great , watchable if you like the actors etc , otherwise NOT 3 stars
10/05/99 strike One of the most dumb excuses i have ever seen 1 stars
8/20/99 Japtalian They should have named this "How to fuck up a classic T.V. show without really trying." 1 stars
8/18/99 Matthew Bartley Shit and boring 2 stars
6/25/99 Ah Dooey What the hell were you expecting, Star Trek?! Leave the classics alone! 2 stars
6/15/99 Dylan This is the biggest pile of junk ive ever laid my eyes upon. Even Oldman is unconvincing. 1 stars
3/14/99 Viral Messiah No! 2 stars
2/16/99 Uncle Roy This job cost me my job at Long John Silvers 1 stars
2/09/99 Gary Should have stopped watching half way through & pretended better would show next week. 2 stars
2/07/99 Don Wilson No comment 1 stars
1/05/99 anon my eyes kept rolling up in my head with this recockulous plot 3 stars
1/03/99 Dasha OK, it was crap, but it kept me entertained, so... 3 stars
11/24/98 Ray Russ Perfect example of why child acting should be outlawed. The "1" on my 1-10 scale. 1 stars
10/28/98 Silent Rob Gee, and the series was so, so...I dunno...crappy? 2 stars
9/29/98 katherine oh my snored through the whole thing 2 stars
9/28/98 Heather Didn't think I'd like this one. I was wrong! 5 stars
9/15/98 Negative Creep OLDMAN as a HUGE FUcking BUG. This was just some fucked up repugnant shit. 1 stars
8/24/98 The Capital City Goofball Shit. What was Oldman thinking? He's usually above this crap. 1 stars
8/23/98 Mister Whoopee matt leBlanc is almost as irritating as Lacey Chabert. 1 stars
8/14/98 {{{OZ}}} It helped me sleep on a long plane flight, but I saw the ending. Eww. 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  03-Apr-1998 (PG-13)
  DVD: 07-May-2002

UK
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