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Overall Rating

Awesome: 19%
Worth A Look39%
Average: 9%
Pretty Bad: 11%
Total Crap: 22%

7 reviews, 58 user ratings

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13 Going on 30
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by Chris Parry

"Romantic comedy hits a new low, and my stomach bile hits a new high."
1 stars

Good gravy, what are people thinking when they say that a film this patently awful is worth a ticket price? I honestly can not find a positive thing to say about my 13 Going on 30 experience, but to say that it wasn't three hours long. It's been said that 13 Going on 30 is funny - yet I did not laugh once. It's been said that Jennifer Garner has comedy timing - yet I did not laugh once. So what are you left with? A top notch 80's soundtrack? Not even close. In fact, this movie is so sloppy, so fraudulent, so without merit, moral and wit, that I'd suggest anyone who could recommend it as even passable needs to get out and see more quality movies.

A 13-year-old girl with a cliched lovestruck geeky neighbor is freaking out because she's not popular at school. She holds a party and invites all the cool kids, promising to do their report if they turn up, and once they get there she completely disses her only real friend, turns into a shrew of the highest order, and then wishes that she was 30 years old as 'wishdust' falls on her head.

From there on, it's a dumber, moral-free version of Tom Hanks' Big.

The 30-year-old version of this girl (played by man-beast Jennifer Garner) wakes up dating a hockey player, working as a top notch editor at a top notch national fashion magazine, and is surrounded by the same bitch queens she wanted to be hanging with in high school, only now she's one of them.

Cue 'stupid at every turn'.

This movie is one of those thrown together efforts using a thrown together screenplay, employing slumming actors of quality and stretching actors of incompetence, with the kind of soundtrack that someone who was never actually awake in the 80's might put together, and the kind of stolen storyline that feels no remorse at being borrowed from Big, Pretty Woman, Pretty in Pink and any other successful romantic comedy of the last twenty-five years.

It's the kind of film that makes Mark Ruffalo begrudgingly do the Thriller dance. It's the kind of film that thinks Jennifer Garner pulling a face is the height of comedy genius. It's the kind of film that anyone who has seen a GOOD romantic comedy wants to leave after twenty-five minutes.

I've heard people say how you just can't help but like Jennifer Garner in this film... well maybe that's true if you hold some deep-seeded man-fantasies, or like your women with cheekbones that could kill pedestrians on both sides of the street if they were allowed to hang out the window in city traffic. Seriously, were Garner's shoulders used as the model for Ang Lee's Hulk? That chick has the sort of guns that could rip the bark off a hardwood tree.

Of course, nobody involved in the production is working with screenplay gold, so perhaps we should be pointing the bone at the incompetents who are really responsible for this heinous cinematic crime - the writers, Josh Goldsmith and Cathy Yuspa. You might remember detesting them for their work on What Women Want, or perhaps their time spent lowering the bar of TV comedy on The King of Queens. Me? I'll forever remember them as the pair who took home a paycheck for one of the most cliched screenplays in living memory.

Remember when Pretty Woman was earning a hundred million dollars and Julia Roberts was being praised a comic genius and everybody seemed to ignore the fact that the movie was actually about a prostitute going shopping? Welcome to the same situation, only this time nobody is getting blown for cocaine - this time we're telling people that, if you're a total bitch for your entire life, a few days spent being nice will change everything... and if it doesn't, hell, there's always 'wishdust'.

Are you getting where I'm coming from yet? Should I go on about the plot holes and inconceivable coincidences, or do you already comprehend that this movie should be avoided like an Alabama penny-whore? Should I talk about the ridiculous 80's soundtrack, which seems to consist entirely of overplayed songs that were number ones in their day but have long since lost their relevance because they've been beaten to death by every lame ass time travel or 80's period film of the last ten years?

Should I talk about the hatred Jennifer Garner's character inspires in anyone who isn't fascinated by her booty? Should I discuss the shame obviously felt by Mark Ruffalo, as he shrugs and frowns his way through the entire film, clearly regretting taking the big money to appear in such a flaccid mess to the point where he can barely hide the fact? Should I... No, you get it.

Some people will laugh with this film, others will laugh AT it. Me? I just went home angered, realizing that in Hollywood today, nothing matters more than getting a film with a big star, that apes every film before it, finished, marketed, and ready for the dopes to line up out front. And if you're one of those dopes, congratulations on lowering the bar. Again.

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originally posted: 05/14/04 09:24:42
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User Comments

11/01/14 David Hollingsworth A non-cliched charming, and sweet romantic comedy 5 stars
12/14/13 PuUlITrSiRogyBnrCD svtNpqdAzaHPNBZ 2 stars
12/12/13 FsPNavNaGsOcv vvSKxiHemYhnB 3 stars
3/18/13 Mireya cute and entertaining 4 stars
6/07/11 art CUTE STORY,however the main draw to this is JENIFER GARNERS FACE and HER REAR-END! 4 stars
7/21/09 Howard E Davis I think it's a sweet, funny, entertaining comedy 5 stars
5/13/09 art JENNIFER GARNER is a pretty sight,but not this drievel! 1 stars
10/19/08 Nick Somoski On older movie already, but I loved! I still watch my DVD of it now and then! 4 stars
9/26/08 Annie G Cute and weak. Plot has been done better in other films, but still an ok film. 3 stars
8/25/08 ANKIT AWSOME FLICK !! BRAVO 5 stars
6/15/07 Danielle Ophelia One tool of the vast conspiracy to siphon out what intelligence the public has. AVOID! 1 stars
5/28/07 none ya it was so hotttttttttt 5 stars
11/18/06 Lys gd film 5 stars
11/11/06 David Pollastrini all the women in this film are hot! 4 stars
11/05/06 cody a good comedy with a charming perf. by jennifer, but it kinded like clueless meets big. 3 stars
9/15/06 Mayrisha This movie brought a smile and a tear to my face. 4 stars
7/14/06 Stanley Thai A very good film. It's funny and has some sweet scenes. 4 stars
2/07/06 Anthony A very good chick flick, i enjoyed it 4 stars
8/31/05 ES Lest we forget Jen's amazing little number with the chopsticks in her hair, what a film 4 stars
4/19/05 Brig. Gen. Ripper Any movie that brings back Thriller is alright in my book 4 stars
3/28/05 Emma I thought that this was a really good film. 5 stars
12/15/04 keithers.. I remembering seeing this movie...i think it was call BIG though with tom Hanks 1 stars
10/31/04 oranges_888 Mark Ruffalo sucked ass and couldn't pull it off - he so totally was miscast 4 stars
10/01/04 Pat A wonderful movie; I watched it over and over again. 5 stars
9/26/04 Lindsay It F***** sucked 1 stars
9/20/04 angel the movie was funny, well written, but the ending was terrible! too neatly wound up 3 stars
9/19/04 Fernando R. Mdza Que tal, me gusto bastante el papel de Jennifer Garner y Mark Ruffalo excelente!! 5 stars
9/15/04 random* yes it's trite, typical romcom- yet somehow still charming, what can I say 4 stars
8/31/04 samantha wasnt like I thought 1 stars
8/26/04 S.F. Ghastly.trite shit. u get fed up of watching a film thats so mundane. 1 stars
8/23/04 Jim A treasure. A delightful fable to the end. 5 stars
8/14/04 Uncle Phucker Garner is a great physical comic actor. But suprisingly great story with heart. 5 stars
8/04/04 ownerofdajoint JENNIFER IS DELECTABLE.ALIAS FANS CHECK HER OUT!! 4 stars
7/30/04 M Cute as!! 80's inspired bubble gum movie! 4 stars
7/29/04 Kathryn It was a lot of fun to watch 5 stars
7/28/04 Jenna Furr Jennifer G feigns shit-don't-stink innocence while advocating Pat Benatar-style ballbusting 2 stars
7/23/04 syd worth it just for Mark Rufallo - what can I say, but I'm shallow! 3 stars
7/19/04 Valerie Very cute movie. Kind of a 'girly' version of "Big". 4 stars
7/11/04 Crystal M. IT WAS GREAT..when does it come out? 5 stars
7/05/04 Brian C0urtney Garner's performance is awful and embarrassing to watch 2 stars
6/17/04 Anna ! shows some things 13 yr. olds have to deal with in life thru highschool and Jr. high 5 stars
6/10/04 Amy I thought it was excellent and has an uplifting message. 5 stars
6/03/04 Shaun I can't seem to overlook the fact that this movie was already made, it's called "Big"!!!! 2 stars
6/03/04 Elizabeth While a rather recycled story, it gets by on Jennifer Garner's charm. 3 stars
5/27/04 kristina i loved the movie so much i saw it 3 times and ill see it more times if the offer come sup! 5 stars
5/18/04 MC Reminded me of Big, enough said. 5 stars
5/16/04 JAJansenJr Five stars for a film that is entertaining, uplifting and affirms good values 5 stars
5/13/04 jamie i love this movie jennifer garner was so funny 5 stars
5/13/04 Me This movie was already made it was called "Jack" 1 stars
5/11/04 malcolm the music was definitely more '84 than 87. jennifer garner in a slip? i'll take it. 3 stars
5/04/04 Brenda Loved the message of 2nd chances, true to self 4 stars
4/29/04 Katie Verbeke I thought this moving was rocked! 5 stars
4/28/04 Joe Stupid, Shallow And Did I Mention Pointless 1 stars
4/27/04 Mitchua Michael Jackson music+30 y/o having slumber parties with kid=deal for Jackson music rights 3 stars
4/26/04 Christina She's better as an ass-kicker. BIG ripoff, nuff said. 1 stars
4/23/04 Ray Garner is fun, but the movie is not 2 stars
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  23-Apr-2004 (PG-13)
  DVD: 07-Feb-2006



Directed by
  Gary Winick

Written by
  Josh Goldsmith
  Cathy Yuspa

  Jennifer Garner
  Mark Ruffalo
  Kathy Baker
  Judy Greer
  Andy Serkis
  Samuel Ball

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