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Barely Brooke (TV)
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by Chris Parry

"Barely banal."
1 stars

There's nothing that demonstrates so fully how meritless the world of modeling is than a full hour devoted to a photo shoot. Barely Brooke is serial sex-merchant Zalman King's 'documentary' about the supposed tropical adventure of a lifetime - a calendar shoot with Brooke Burke. What's that? You're already yawning? Well, leave it to the director of Red Shoe Diaries to make an hour spent staring at a girl in a swimsuit completely boring...

Brooke Burke has never done anything that changed the world. She's never cured a disease or fought for the poor or stood up against tyranny. But she has nice boobs, and occasionally she wears a swimsuit on a beach. This makes her worthy of a one-hour TV special. God help you all if Zalman King finds out how I can fill out a pair of Speedos!

So Brooke poses on a beach. Then on a boat. Then on a pier. Then on a beach. Then in the water. Then on a beach. And, wait for it... She wears a different swimsuit every time! And she designed them all!

Actually, she didn't design dick, but she had someone design the swimwears for her, which is the same thing, really. If you're a model. Or Paris Hilton.

Anyway, while Brooke is posing for the cameras in Barely Brooke, we get to hear the photographers talk about how awesome and sexy she is. This is truly groundbreaking stuff, because most of the time photographers are bitchy as hell, but here they actually love their subject! Thank god the video cameras were there to record this historic event!

Then Brooke tells us how awesome the photographers are, which totally blew my mind, and then the photographers tell us how awesome the swimsuit designer is! then Brooke tells us how awesome the swimsuit designer is! Then the swimsuit designer tells us how awesome Brooke is! Then... ah, to hell with it. This is the most mind-numbing stuff to hit TV since Pia Zadora.

Now, if there was a swimsuit happening and suddenly a tropical monsoon hit, that might make for a TV show. If Burke was reclining with ehr surgically-enhanced chest on display in war-torn Haiti, as bullets whizzed about her ears, that'd be even better. And if anyone bothered to actually question the merit of all this back-slapping, that might have given the whole thing a reason to be.

"But there IS a reason to be," say those who like boobies, "We can see Brooke Burke's chest pillows!" Guess again, weirdo. Do yourself a favor and download a single picture of Brooke Burke in a bikini and just stare at it for an hour - you'll be no less amused and probably a lot less dumb than if you had instead watched Barely Brooke.

That said, if you really have a tentpole for E! Television's favorite spokesbimbette, you can get your fill of that and a bunch of other films for just $9.95 per month at

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originally posted: 04/26/04 11:01:38
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7/21/05 billjoe tell her to show her breasts 1 stars
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  01-Jan-2003 (NR)



Directed by
  Zalman King

Written by
  Zalman King

  Brooke Burke
  Enrique Iglesias

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