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Challenge, The (2003)
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by Scott Weinberg

"Reality television schpiel populated by Olsen Twins. You've been warned."
1 stars

Throughout my career as a movie and DVD critic, I've withstood what I consider to be an inordinate amount of "Olsen Twins Movies". By 'inordinate' I mean...somewhere between 4 and 8. That might not seem like too large a number to you. But then you've probably never had to sit through between 4 and 8 "Olsen Twins Movies".

So after writing 'traditional' movie reviews for titles like When in Rome, Getting There and Billboard Dad (unmitigated chaff across the board, by the way), I wanted to devise a new approach for the Olsen Twins' latest effort. It's called The Challenge, it apparently has something to do with reality shows, and I will now attempt to review the thing in journal form.

Let me go grab a soda and flex up my Pause Button thumb.

00:44 - One of the blondie twins (let's call them twondies) is running down the beach in full-on bouncy bikini cleavage mode. (And the moral decay of America quietly festers just a little bit deeper.) Casually I wonder why a made-for-video movie is presented in Widescreen, but my train of thought is derailed by...

1:14 - "Okay, like..." Yes! The only thing that can make the prospect of 80 more minutes with this movie seem even worse: voice-over twondie narration. Right now Ashley-Kate is explaining to me how "two city girls like uuuussss ended up in the Meksssikan desert suspended from a bridge without cell phones or lip gloss". I begin to search the room for drugs.

1:56 - If you've ever seen the opening credits sequence of Survivor then you know precisely what the movie just showed me. Only it's all teens and they compete for college scholarships. OK, back to the movie.

2:01 - Hey wait a second! It's in Full Frame now! What gives?

3:11 - Plot injection: One twondie is a L.A. girl, the other lives in D.C. One's a hellraiser, the other a Vegan nun or something... The producers of The Challenge watch both audition tapes, somehow KNOW that the estranged young sisters hate each other, and craftily devise a brilliant programming scheme. Yes, that's right: both twins...on the the same time. Ooh, I think I need to go make some popcorn.

3:27 - The characters at this point are: handsome jerk TV producer, handsome underappreciated production intern and a pretty blue-eyed girl who I assume also works for the TV show. They have't told me yet. "One Month Later" flashes across the screen.

4:06 - Another The Challenge promo, this one offering dorky-faced headshots of the show's competitors. I can practically smell the character shadings already: one will be a dork, one a fashion diva, one a "bad boy" (in that he wears a bandana), one a sensitive musician or something.

4:26 - The pretty blue-eyed girl seems to be the director. And the handsome jerk TV producer is also the host of the program. I wonder if Jeff Probst has seen this movie yet.

5:07 - An Olsen chatters condescendingly to a disinterested Mexican cab driver. OK, so the spoiled Olsen is late for the game. Got it.

5:23 - The other Olsen meets a boy. It goes like this: Boy: "I'm Adam." Girl: "Hi, I'm Shane." Boy: "Shane? [pause] That's a funky name!" Girl: "Thankssss. My dad had a thing for old westerns." Boy: "Good thing he didn't name you trigger!"

It's at about this point that I realize some sad news: by pausing to type this stuff out, I'm turning an 88-minute movie into a 3-hour project. Everyone who reads this now owes me a quarter.

6:06 - Picture Survivor's tribal council area, only it's made entirely of balsa wood and cork board. That's what I'm looking at right now. The host, hiding his jerkness for the time being, rattles off a bunch of non-sensical Challenge rules. There's something about collecting totems, but then come the REAL rules: 1. 10PM curfew and 2. No Romantic Entanglements. These rules serve to allay the fears of any parents who may be watching: no overt sexiness here, folks. Just subtle and vague implications that we're sure you'll never notice.

6:29: We meet Kelly. She's a tough competitor. I know because they say it about 4 times in 11 seconds. We then meet Anthony, who (I swear) is now wearing a bandana. He seems to be your basic Italio-Brooklyn stereotype, only someone forget to include the accent. Next up is J.J., a lovely girl who is introduced in a scene of her shaking her large breasts in a fairly tight dress. (The assumption is that the parents have already left the room by now.) J.J. does that urban neck-shake thing as she rattles off how glorious she is. Next we meet Justin, partnered with footage of him on a skateboard, shaking his fingers in that surfer way and speaking in a bald-faced Jeff Spicoli voice. My neck is starting to hurt. Charles is a completely non-descript black guy. He gets the least amount of airtime of all the competitors. Then Shane (she's one of the twondies, pay attention) gets picked for a team and then we see footage of her under a palm tree cooing about meditation beads. Then it's time for Adam (remember Adam?) to join a team. He's bland and vaguely nerdy...clearly the love interest.

8:02 - The spoiled twondie makes it just in time! Yes! The Mother Earth Olsen looks on angrily as prissy Olsen does that silly "Yay I'm in high heels" shuffle over to the jerky host. We now learn that the spoiled Olsen is called Lizzie. So if I refer to Shane or Lizzie later on, remember this: Shane = nice hippie / Lizzie = mean bitch.

8:40 - Jerky host/producer guy looks a whole lot like Bruce Campbell minus the visible coolness.

9:14 - Underrated "dreamy" intern turns out to have a name, and it's Marcus!

10:03 - Footage of both twondies as they complain about the other. Basically a back and forth litany of "she eats meat!" and "ew, SHE wears sandals!" nonsense. But best to get this "character development" out of the way early, I suppose. Damn this project's gonna take forever.

11:17 - The girls spend a scene fighting over who gets the bed by the window, nearly broaching the topic of reconciliation ("Well...YOU never come to visit EITHER!") before they're interrupted by the appearance of what seems to be a CGI tarantula on their floor. Lizzie (spoiled) goes to smush the spider. Shane (tree-hugger) stops her. More yelling ensues. Outside, the six other contestants roll their eyes and say words like Dude and Bogus.

11:45 - One of the ethnic girls (J.J. I think) proves her stupidity by admitting "I thought this was the show where everyone sings!" She says this while wearing two of those weird lacey Madonna sleeves on her arms.

11:50 - Hippie Olsen orders a dinner of sprouts and beans. Spoiled Olsen orders a steak...rare. Will this character development never end?

12:00 - Adam orders sprouts too! Shane's gonna LIKE him!

12:49 - All the contestants hit the dance floor for some white-man's overbite. The footage is shot with every third frame removed, replicating what would be considered a "cool effect" if you were editing someone's Bar Mitzvah video in 1983. (NOTE: Lizzie dances with Marcus!)

13:15 - Adam's "backstory" is punctuated by the statement "I know...I'm such a cliche!" My eyes roll involuntarily. Spoiled Olsen Lizzie chatters back with some information about the importance of purchasing $600 sunglasses. I reach for my smokes.

14:11 - An unending conversation between Lizzie and Marcus reveals the following: 1. Lizzie plans to be a politician, 2. Marcus is nicer than the jerks who run the show, 3. Cell phones and Palm Pilots are important to every teenage girl.

14:35 - The game description for "Day One" begins with "Above you is a BIG bucket of soupy black beans. The cleanest team wins." I think this movie may be getting a little better. But I still can't find my smokes.

Question one goes to the Aztec team: Who created Spider-Man? Adam correctly says Stan Lee and the four Aztec players do that four-way high-five that always gets screwed up and looks real dorky.

Question two is something ridiculously techincal. The first shot of the Olsens after hearing this question is priceless. I have it on pause right now, and if 'looking clueless' equals 'good acting' - then these gals are pretty good at both. The goofy surfer guy gets the answer right. Everyone's stunned. Surfer guy rattles off some more fingernal-chalkboard slangjargon and I finally get off my ass and SEARCH my room for the damn cigarettes.

Question three sees Kelly yell out "Constantinopole" before referring to her fellow teammates for approval. That Kelly's response was correct seems beside the point, as there's been an ethic breached here, a social misdeed that won't soon be... whatever, ADAM, get over it, you dork. She got the answer right.

Question four: What's the capital of Switzerland? Team ShaneLizzie argues and whines, gets it wrong, and stands there as the Bean Bucket over their heads takes its first step toward my undying adulation.

15:55 - The rest of the trivia questions are thankfully presented via musical montage. Imagine the worst soft-pop you can imagine against shots of young people arguing and clapping, jerkhosts nodding sagely, and Bean Buckets clicking ever more closely to godlike status.

16:26 - Mayans. The Olsen team is called Mayans. Its Mayans vs. Aztecs. How clever.

The final question, and the only one standing between two identically-scrubbed Barbie dolls and two annoying girls coated in goopy black beans, is this "What's the world's largest department store?" The twondies bicker between Macy's and Bloomie's while their teammates (science surfer guy & accent-free Brooklyn bandana boy) correctly inform the twins that this question is, indeed, "all you guys".

(I paused the flick to type that out, so I've no idea what happens next. I wonder if they get the answer right!! WILL the Olsens be covered in Goopy Black Beans? We'll find out after I light this smoke! Oh yeah, I found 'em. They were wedged between the desk and the wall.)

17:00 - Predictably, a let down. The girls can't agree over which store it is, their collective ignorance leads to a disqualification, the other team wins by default, the goopy black beans end up looking more like dark brown hair conditioner, and the message is painfully clear: these two idiots have to learn to WORK TOGETHER before they'll have any success. Now let's expect that theme to be hammered home endlessly and without mercy for the next 60-some minutes. Sigh.

17:25 - Ooh! Extra character development! This just in: It seems that...Kelly? She's the mean bitchy one. And...J.J.? She just stopped in for an two-second dose of that black-girl neck-shake thing that's clearly meant to imply a position of "I don't like those girls! No I do not!" Score update after one challenge: Aztecs lead the Mayans, 1 totem to 0. Join me as I pray that there are only, like, three challenges altogether.

18:55 - As if we hadn't just covered this ground about 19 seconds ago...challenge #2 is a bamboo labyrinth that must be navigated with all contestants wearing flippers. They must also do this while Flock of Seagull's "And I Raaaaaan" plays over the soundtrack. The sisters argue more than they navigate, and the Aztecs once again exploit this familial strife and claim a 2 totems to zero lead. Yay Aztecs.

19:10 - Jerk host/producer guy/Bruce Campbell lookalike/Jeff Probst satire has a name. It's Max. He's currently mocking the Mayans for having zero points. I'm beginning to respect Max.

As a reward, the Aztecs (J.J., Kelly, Adam, and the black guy I think) get to sing at some mardi-gras-type party. As a punishment, the Mayans are forced to sleep in tents on the beach. The spoiled Olsen has a hard time with her tent.

21:21 - A scene between Max and Marcus ends with this line of dialogue: "Two sisters who get along...not entertaining. Two sisters who DON'T get along...that's entertainment." Someone wrote that. Anyway, we did get one plot point: Max expects Marcus to 'spy' on the contestants. Marcus seems conflicted, yet immediately spills the beans re: Lizzie's aversion to snakes AND Shane's fear of heights. We know that Marcus knows these things because we get brief visions of two GIANT Olsens within Marcus' brain. Very weird. I need another Camel Light.

22:15 - More of the twins as they talk directly into the camera about how much they dislike one another. The cameras are zoomed in real tight so we can all see that, yes, big blue eyes sure are pretty. Wonderful.

23:56 - Lizzie, like, totally saw Team Aztec working out hard. They were doing jumping jacks and everything! So, like, get this, k? She stomped down to Team Mayan, and they were all like what? We like doing Shane's lotus yoga stuff, so like Lizzie was all: we gotta work harder to win and the sisters started fighting...? Again...? But then Surfer Dude Justin got involved and started throwing around words like Whoa and Dudes and Agro and the truth became clear: Team Mayan sucks because half of its players are backbiting, snippy, petty little jerkettes who need to grow up and play as a team! And once again, a plot point as simple as that gets pounded mercilessly into the dust.

Once the twombies shake hands, the surfer dude calls them the bomb and the bandana Italian admits that he needs help because his legs are stuck in a yoga position. End scene.

24:40 - Challenge #3 looks to be an "eating" challenge. Be back soon. Wish nasty thoughts. (Not THAT nasty, you pervs.)


Adam: raw eggs, boring.

Lizzie: raw snake (which looks a whole lot like sushi as it passes her lips)

Kelly: very hot peppers, boring.

Surfer Dude: cockroaches, but by cockroaches here's what I really mean: in the bowl they're cockroaches, in Surfer Dude's hand it's a truly atrociously bad CGI cockroach, and one sloppy edit later it's a cookie with legs on it which S.D. eats with a sloppy look in his face. He then does a Tarzan chest-beat before loosing a huge belch on everyone. I begin to wonder if and when any of these contestants get "voted off"... or "shot".

Black dude who NEVER gets his name mentioned and barely gets to speak: has to eat raw liver but it looks like a BBQ-coated chicken nugget as he eats it.

Shane: spins and gets... earthworms! Clever editing dictates that Ms. Olsen didn't actually EAT worms, but hey, I can dream, can't I?

J.J.: spins and gets cat food, stuns everyone by liking it. Max calls her weird. Moving on...

Brooklyn Bandana Boy: spins and gets...fruit cake? Yep. Good news, right? Nope, here's the joke: everyone eats the bugs and the worms with no problem, but fruitcake is SO disgusting that this tough guy can't stomach the stuff...and therefore vomits all over Max's shoes. Aztecs win! 3 totems to zero!

This riveting sequence ends with a comment from Max to Marcus: "Vomiting. It's alllllways good for ratings."

31: 27 - Several pratfalls and subtle butt-shots as the Olsens and their playmates are required to movie a bunch of farm animals to Pen A to Pen B. Shane uses her knowledge of Animal Planet and the result is the Mayans' very first totem!

31:52 - Trouble in the Aztec camp! Kelly's a bossy bitch, Adam and the black guy don't like it, and J.J. is pissed that she had to touch a goat and a pig. What crybabies.

33:23 - Leading 3-1, the Aztecs enjoy the reward of a steak and lobster dinner, pausing only to taunt the Mayan players who now must comb the beach for their dinner. Stick-fishing goes nowhere (Lizzie catches some kelp) so Shane gets the amazingly and astoudingly clever idea to knock some fruit down from the trees. Keep an eye out for the thick length of rope that's clearly holding the gourd into place. Important plot points: despite being on the opposing team, Adam feels sympathy as his teammates mock the Mayans and their desperate hunger for food. Kelly informs us that she doesn't trust Adam. Why she thinks we would even give a shit is beyond me.

34: 19 - Lizzie shows her skills at womanly manipulation when she exploits the wording of the rules ("You can only eat what you catch with your own hands.") to con some food out of Marcus. She asks him to THROW her some burgers so she can CATCH them with HER OWN HANDS... Ugh, this part's too stupid for words. Team Mayan gets to eat. I'm sure you're all so relieved.

35:11 - In a moronic display of team unity, all of the Mayans (Surfer Dude, Bandana Boy and Lizzie) give their partially-chewed and gummy hamburger rolls to vegetarian Shane, so she can eat them. How swell.

35:37 - The twombies begin to show each other begrudging respect in yet another series of 'aint-we-pretty' close-up confessionals. See what teamwork can do for you? Awwww.

37:30 - Max calls the pretty blue-eyed director girl "Sahsh", so I think her name is Sasha. Yay Sasha!

39:00 - Now we get duelling scenes. Each twin has a boy on the beach. Neither twin thinks twice about talking about themselves nonstop without ever taking a break for the intake of oxygen. This is where we get all the "Mom and Dad broke up, sis never forgave me for leaving and now we boo hoo hoo..." schmear. Be thankful I'm watching it for you.

Nuggets of brilliance in these two scenes: One Olsen refers to Quentin Tarantino as a "dark and brooding filmmaker" while the other refers to irony as "i-err-knee". Also, the Olsen who admires Tarantino lists her five favorite movies as Shakespeare in Love, Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, Titanic and When Harry Met Sally. Create your own comments please.

40:39 - Adam, to Shane: "I think you're pretty amazing. I think you're pretty...AND...amazing!" Shane, to Adam: "I think YOU'RE amazing too and let's smooch!"... but here come Lizzie and Marcus to spoil the icky mood, plus Max and his fat cameraman (new character!) chase everyone away. The foursome hides underwater in a swimming pool. The Olsens hug their boys, Shane and Adam steal a chlorine-soaked kiss...and KELLY is in the bushes snapping photos! Uh oh!

43:09 - As the next challenge is described, I realize that this movie isn't even half-over yet. What have I gotten myself into? I could have written three reviews in the time I've already dedicated to this insanity. Time for something a bit stronger than cigarettes.

47:04 - OK, this challenge was simple. Both teams were required to hike across several miles of nasty desert terrain. The Aztecs, led by the ever-bossy Kelly, trudge across the sand with efficiency and hard effort. The Mayans, led by the twombies, get tired, light a bonfire, flag down a local (and CGI) helicopter, and hitch a ride back to the winner's circle. What freakin' cheaters! Also, try not to look as you're offered a clear look down Lizzie's shirt as she kneels to light the bonfire. Again, creepy stuff. Anyway, Mayans win and are now losing by only one totem!

47:50 - The twins take some time out to stare in a mirror while applying lip gloss and smiling. They then pause to compliment each other on how pretty they are. Now back to the movie.

51:20 - Marcus and Adam take the girls on a secret "day away" from the game. Basically, this involves a whole lot of dune-buggying through the desert. But, once again, Max smells a scoop and starts zooming in on his very own host/producer dune buggy. On his back seat is the fat cameraman who still hasn't spoken a word. The young lovers escape when Max and fatso go over a large ditch and demolish their dune buggy. Not even remotely concerned for Max's well-being, the couples decide that their rampant G-rated flirtatiousness could have them tossed from the Challenge and they must therefore hide their plainly-forbidden romantic entanglements. The twins climb aboard one buggy, while Marcus and Adam (looking for all the world like an absolutely perfect couple) hold each other as they race off into the distance. Max seethes from the site of his dune buggy's wreckage.

52:22 - Plot points aplenty here. See, Max knows that the twins have their little boyfriends, but what he doesn't know is that it's Marcus himself who's trying to get some underage tickleback! Marcus is fed up and Max fires him. Sasha (remember her?) then says something like "You can't fire him. Where are we going to find a replacement in Mexico??!?" Wow, Sasha. You only have like 4 lines of dialogue and one of them is a horribly racist statement like that. I hope Sasha realizes that an INTERN is required to fetch donuts, deliver mail and, like, pick up dry-cleaning. You don't think you could find someone to foot that bill in dingy, dirty MEXICO? Nice message from the Olsen camp. Anyway, the scene ends with Kelly walking into Max's office with an envelope full of snapshots. Yeah, remember how Kelly's a conniving bitch? She is.

54:15 - Uh oh! Shane and Adam are found out! They're both disqualified from the next challenge, which sucks for the Aztecs because Adam "took Karate class for like ten years" and apparently the challenge will involve martial arts of some kind. Kelly now feels really stupid for shooting her own team in the foot just because she was ugly-girl jealous of the two perky princesses. Boo Kelly.

55: 30 - Dear Lord what an interminable scene this is. The twins sit at night by the poolside, twiddle their fingers through their hair, and coo in hushed tones about how Mom (D.C.) and Dad (L.A.) really misses the twin who isn't there with the other parent in the city in which they live. Or something.

This challenge could be the finale IF the Aztecs win, which clearly means that they will lose. The six contestants (not eight cuz the horny Lizzie and Adam are suspended) must stand on wood posts that stick out of the ocean. At first (and for no discernable reason) the players are forced to spin, jump and flap their arms without falling, but ultimately they just gotta stand there and stand. 40 minutes in, the black guy (Charles! They mentioned his name again! Welcome back, Chuck!) falls into the ocean. Twelve minutes later, the Surfer Dude suddenly decides to dance around on his stick of wood while behaving like a total ass. He does this after 52 minutes of complete silence. He then falls into the ocean. Deservedly. Sadly, he swims out. J.J. then starts singing and then SHE falls into the water. Yes, we're given a brief peek at the wet T-shirt as she wanders back onto the beach.

Oh. My. God. This next bit deserves the paragraph break! Get this: Anthony, the Italian stereotype with the bandana and no accent...he starts hallucinating! Yeah! And up in the sky is a giant CGI Grandma who says "Antoniooo. Come have some lasagna! You always loved my lasagna!" Right? And he's crazy-hallucinatin' and he walks right off the pole and into an armful of imaginary lasagna. Call me insane for seeing the bleak, cynical racism in a sequence like this. But it's so inept that it's funny. You just have to laugh. Man oh man. Italian guy loses the contest because of his unquenchable desire for a lasagna mirage. I feel like I just went back in time for a few horrible seconds. does a guy start hallucinating after only one hour of standing in the sun? That goombah sure loves his lasagna! Ay, manga manga!

1:01:02 - Anyway, the final two standers are Lizzie and Kelly. Kelly, the bitchy one, plummets into the sea after Max cruelly decides to make them both strike ballerina poses after standing upright on a LOG for 76 minutes straight. Yippee. The Mayans make it three totems to three totems, which guarantees that...the movie's not over yet. Arg.

1:01:59 - In confessional close-up, Lizzie refers to her newfound respect for YOGA when describing her victory over Kelly. Kelly, the bitch, on the other hand, takes an opportunity to blame her three teammates because, and I quote, they like suck.

1:03:57 - Wow, so many plot points. For the reward/punishment schpiel, the Mayan team gets to enjoy a cruise, while the Aztecs must act as their servants. Logically Charles, the only black character, gets the opportunity to say "You think I want to SERVE people?" while Kelly and J.J. bitch about the housekeeper clothes they're forced to wear. The only good sport is Adam, who is soothed by the fact that Shane like totally digs him. Surfer Guy, Lasagna Bandana and Shane dive into the ocean while Marcus admits to Lizzie that it was HIS idea to put both sisters on the show at the same time. He also calls her wonderful. It doesn't work, as Lizzie rebuffs him and gloomily frolics into the ocean with her friends.

1:05:34 - I think I may have mixed up which is Shane and which is Lizzie, but trust me when I say it doesn't matter. Anyway, right now I'm watching a wistful little compilation/montage of scenes in which Shane (or Lizzie) and Marcus smile at each other. We're given this scene because we're not sure if Lizzie (or Shane) will forgive Marcus for HIS idea to put both sisters on the show at the same time. Man, how they gonna wrap all this up in under 25 minutes? Ugh, 25 more minutes.

1:06:28 - The twombies come running (and, yes, visibly...bouncing) out of the ocean, plunk down on the sand and blather about all sorts of stuff: how JERKY Marcus really is, their worries about the future, and the newly-unearthed revelation that, hey, they'll always have each other. Aww. Each other and about $700 million dollars. They so cuuuuute.

1:06:58 - Even more confessional footage of the twins as they tell everyone how wonderful the other one is, dammit. I haven't seen this much self-love since I went to the National Masturbator's Convention. Well, I read an article about it, is what I meant to say...

1:07:03 - Max says "Today is the final day of competition." I heard the word FINAL! That's gotta be a good sign.

1:07:21 - The final challenge is called "Warrior Relay"! Shh! Be right back.

1:09:30 - Stage 1 of the relay involves a swimming pool and young girls who fall into it. Do the math. The Mayans take a lead as they finish this stage first. Stick-in-the-ass J.J. ruins it for the Aztecs as she crabwalks like a crippled chipmunk over the obstacles. It's perhaps the most unintentionally amusing thing in a movie rife with dozens of unintentionally amusing things.

1:12:03 - Each player must jet ski out and grab a banner. And then come back. Eight players equals eight too many sequences of people jet skiing and banner grabbing. In other words, boring filler material. CHARLES screws up for the Aztecs, which allows the Olsen team to take Phase 2, which means absolutely nothing, except that it leads to...

1:15:13 - Ooh, this is it. That pivotal scene. It all comes down to... OK, I'll stop. First off, this is the scene from when we first came in. The third stage of the relay requires each player to climb across a flimsy rope ladder over a rocky crevice. The players are all safely harnessed in, of course, but...remember that Shane is afraid of heights? And that snivelly old Marcus TOLD Max that she was? But what's most interesting (and by interesting I mean uninteresting) is that the whole movie was a flashback up to this very point. As Shane tries to cross that ladder each of the slowpoke Aztec players scamper by on theirs: first is that bitch Kelly, then Adam (who kindly asks Shane if "y'ok?" as he scrambles by and the cameras all but leer directly into a 16-year-old's exposed cleavage), then here comes Charles as Shane breaks through her flimsy phobia and climbs up the ladder. Well yay.

1:16:43 - Blatant example of "slo-mo beach running". I'll leave it to you to guess who's running.

1:17:14 - The final stage involves the running over of pits in which lie dozens of nasty-looking snakes. (Because Lizzie is afraid of... oh, never mind.) As J.J., the slowass final Aztec, makes her away across the ladder (remember the ladder?), the twombies stare google-eyed at the hissing reptiles and wonder to themselves what sort of television would risk the lives of eight minors by challenging them with deadly snakes. You know what I say: Go Snakes!

1:18:06 - More slo-mo beach running. The Aztec team can do it too!

1:18:40 - Shane convinces Lizzie that the snakes are NOT of the poisonous variety (as if a girl who lives in D.C. or L.A. or wherever has the slightest clue about snakes) and the twins shriek their way over the snake-infested pit. The final totem grins from above! And here come the Aztecs, yelling stuff like "Hurry up! They're on the ladder"!

1:19:10 - The Mayans win The Challenge! [Takes a break from typing to not stand up and do a small victory dance.] They don't have to pay for college! Yay Surfer Dude who ate the Cockroach Cookie! Yay stupid Italian kid who was fooled by the imaginary pasta! And Yay for Lizzie and Shane, who learned that by looking past their differences and focusing on teamw... Yeah, sorry. I'll stop.

1:20:29 - Marcus helps me out by clearly referring to his Olsen as LIZZIE as they share a bittersweet goodbye and a long PG-rated smoocherino.

1:20:46 - Adam and Shane's goodbye is less poignant (snicker), as Adam admits that he didn't really need the college money after all since he like already GOT a baseball scholarship to Stanford anyway and they'll only be like an hour apart ANYWAY. Yay Adam.

1:20:51 - Coming fresh on the heels of two romantic goodbyes is a hilarious moment in which Surfer Dude and Lasagna Bandana share a "Dude stay in touch bro" moment and grasp hands. I need a tissue. Laughter does that to me sometimes. Like when I laugh for 1:20:51 straight.

1:21:11 - J.J.'s Happy Ending: The network has invited her to participate in next season's "American Starmaker". Everyone cheers despite the fact that we've hated J.J. for basically the entire movie. As J.J. struts proudly she yells "J.J.'s in tha hayy-owse!" despite the fact that the scene takes place outdoors.

1:21:30 - Charles the black guy who had maybe 11 spoken words of dialogue drags Kelly outside and makes her congratulate the winning team. She also apologizes for being the movie's requisite bitch, which isn't really her fault, after all. Someone wrote her this stupid.

1:22:55 - The big comeuppance! After coddling his ego and begging for a photo, the twombies get Max to unwittingly stand beneath his very own bucket of Goopy Black Beans! I remember those! Anyway, yeah. As they snap the photo, Marcus and Adam throw the lever and Max is doused with nasty-ass goopy black beans. Revenge is sweet. And goopy. (What, no payback for Sasha and her anti-Mexican agenda?)

1:23:21 - Adam and whichever twin he ended up with share a palpably uncomfortable smushed-lip kiss and giggle as they run off, stage left. Marcus (clad in green shorts and a Mento's T-shirt) says to his Olsen: "Y'know... I know this sounds crazy, but... you were my first love!" His Olsen replies "Wow. You're the first guy who's ever said that to me." OUCH. Hard shot to the nads of Marcus, folks! The robotic duo are about to share their (hopefully) final smooch when...

1:24:39 - Holy crap! I'm so glad I have you all to witness this along with me. You're not gonna believe this schtick. So this kid pops up on the beach and says "Um...Mary-Kate, I said I LOVE YOU when we were in Passport to Paris!" and then another boy-band-lookin' hunk pops up and says "But IIIiiIII was your boyfriend in Getting There!" And then two more pop up yelling about When in Rome and other random Olsen epics, and the picture suddenly became clear. All of these young actors have, at one time or another, played the love interest to either Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen. And now, for some reason known only to the plainly swollen egos of both twombies, all of these young actors have now shown up, demolished the fourth wall, and began hawking OTHER OLSEN TWINS MOVIES!

1:25:30 - As the twins enjoy the sight of 12 boys screaming about them, they turn tail and run down the beach. "I Got You Babe" blares through my speakers as I hope to see the sweet, merciful credits scroll across my screen. Alas, no. Instead I get about 4 minutes of clips from ALLLLLL of the Olsen Movies.

Surely this is what would play on an endless loop in the deepest bowels of Hell's most legendary and rarely-used chambers.

link directly to this review at
originally posted: 05/12/04 20:39:52
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Listed as part of our "Ew! The Olsen Twins!" series. For more in the Olsens! series, click here.

User Comments

1/10/09 Shaun Wallner This movie stinks!! 1 stars
10/01/06 Beau such brilliant talent in such a shitty movie but i liked the idea of the gameshow theme 2 stars
10/25/05 Chelsie pains me!!!! (kill me now) 1 stars
5/13/04 Olsens rot This "film" deserves all the abuse: Olsens fucking suck. Now they're 18, probably both. 1 stars
5/13/04 y2mckay So when does the "We're Finally 18: The Olsen Twins Gangbang Special" come out? 1 stars
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  15-Nov-2003 (G)



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